I have recently been diagnosed with depression, but my mom refuses to let me see a psychiatrist. But I didn’t tell the doctor everything and I’m scared I could be a lot worse. I'm 17, have never taken any drugs; I don’t drink or even smoke.
I have always been a good story teller and I can even make myself believe in the tales I tell to the point that they become real to me, I’ve spent many nights terrified by the things I have created.
I have heard voices, before but only a couple of times, its almost as if its inside my head but I can hear them. I’ve also heard voices calling my name and saying things to me that I can’t make out, mostly when I’m listening to music or watching television…sometimes as part of the lyrics even though I know it isn’t there, and sometimes as if somebody was talking to me.
The delusions are the worst because they are with me all the time. I believe that people can read my mind, so I constantly think in code or just think “1,1,1,3” over and over again in my head and believe that there are thoughts in my head that aren’t mine kind of like I’m being possessed or something, among others.
Something that’s has happened lately and something I have very little control over is that I sometimes replace words with other random words. Its scary and embarrassing, for example I once asked somebody for a fire extinguisher instead of my folder, it sounds stupid but It scared me that I do this so often, I also make up words, using words that mean the same thing but aren’t correct grammar, if you know what I mean.
I’m really scared and I don’t know what to do…