wife depressed, then loving

Hang in there. Step back and don't get into too much with her while she is unstable. It is a waste of your energy. She doesn't think right so whatever you say will be met with resistance, anger, and blaming you. I have lived with bipolar disorder in my life for a very long time. My brother and now my children have BPD. Trying to reason with an unstable person is futile.

Hugs to you. Take care of you for now. It is all you CAN do.

Well, she called me 11 times tonight and threatened suicide. She said that I was the one that abandoned the relationship and that I am the cause. Sigh.... I called her bluff and told her that she can't do that to the kids. What do I do?

Just keep doing what you are doing. You are there for her but you can only help those willing to seek out help for themselves. If she contacts you again remind her that you are willing to go with her to get some medical attention. Reassure her that you are not interested in ending the relationship but would rather help her and support her while she tries to get some help.

Some people with mental disorder learn to manipulate others around them. I am not sure if this is a part of the disorder or a learned behavior. I am not even sure that the behavior is a conscious behavior. It may be just part of the illness and part of trying to cope with the moods and thoughts they experience. Somebody with bpd that is stable and has some insight into the behavior could answer that. It appears that your wife is trying to manipulate you and evoke feelings of guilt and make you take responsibility for her decisions. The dynamics of a relationship with someone with bpd that is not stable can get really twisted. The person with bpd is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. They blame everyone but themselves. You can only distance yourself at this point. You are in limbo in your marriage. She is not committing to the marriage or to a divorce so that leaves you hanging. All you can do is step back and wait. At some point you will tire of the entire mess and decide for yourself that this is not the life you want or she will come around and get the help she needs. It is obvious that you love her. She is really fortunate to have your love and support but her illness is dictating what she does.

You need to talk to a professional that can guide you. You are torn up over this and powerless to change things. Get some support for yourself. A professional that has experience in mental health disorders may offer you insight and help you sort out some of this. If nothing else it allows you to vent all the emotions and thoughts that go with this.

We are here to help but my personal ability to give you further assistance is limited.

Take care of you. You deserve that.

If she threatens suicide, you can have her committed on the grounds that she's a threat to herself. Maybe a few days in the hospital will do her some good. She'd get on some meds and would be evaluated for a correct diagnosis. This process is not hard--especially where I live.

Another thing--when she pulls out the "suicide card" on you, remind her that it's very selfish. She's only thinking of herself. Remind her to think of her kids and all the folks she'd be leaving that love her. Tell her that most children of people who commit suicide end up with severe emotional problem in the future; blaming themselves; and many times end up with the same fate as their parent. Sometimes this "shock therapy" will put the person in their place. Especially if she's just playing this as a game... you know, just trying to get into your head and screw around with your emotions.

Good luck.

designlady has some solid advice. Committing someone is an option. Do your homework on that. Can you get a hold of one of your wife's medication bottles? The label will have the prescribing doctor on it. You could go around her and call the doctor yourself. If you tell the doctor what is going on there may be a way to force the issue of getting help.

Let us know how you are doing.

Yes, please do let us know what is happening as this is all rather concerning.

Good luck.

I appreciate the support, antigone.

Thinking about it more, lbtx67, if you can commit her to a hospital (where I really think she needs to be), that will also give you a time to rest, take care of yourself and recuperate from this whole emotional roller-coaster. It would be a good time to talk with doctors, do some research and really sit back and think about the whole situation during a time when she cannot contact you.

Like shonster said, please, let us know what is happening. Praying for you!

I can't get near the home, I was kicked out. She called today and said that she is listening to the advice of her attorney and the guardian ad litum on divorcing me. I called it BS, because it is. I got a job offer in NJ, we lived in MO, I am going to take it, I am in need of money since I quit my job when we got married. She is definitely on the "she is hurting" side of things and nothing I am going through, at her hands no less, is that bad. Sorry if I sounded a tad bitter. I am exhausted and I need to take care of me, I told her that, that when she chose divorce, she made me make myself #1 instead of her, hope that didn't sound rude.

IM exhausted and will write more later whe I get some sleep.

You are not being rude, lbtx67. You are coming to terms with a no win situation. You want her but she won't let you have her or help her. What is left? You do not sound bitter. You are hurting in all of this. You need to do what it takes to keep body and soul together. I hope you will consider talking to someone about this ordeal. This is a huge life changing ordeal. Just having a person to validate your feelings and give you perspective can be healing.

Keep us up to date!