Very cute

hehe thanks!!!!

i actually havent gotten any forwards in a while.

i get them all the time except mine are like "if you forward this to 10 people you will win 27682647655 dollars in 10 days. if you dont then jesus will come kill you

oh yeah i hate those. I usually only open the ones from people that i know dont usually dabble in forwards cause then i know that they will be good

yea same here i hate those ones that say you have to do this or this will happen lol.

here's a couple more :

Someone said that a chick was running down the block with saggy boobs, dirty panties and a bottle of tequila. Where the hell were you going?

Why do girls fart after they pee? Because they can't shake it so they blow dry it!!!

A man gives blood to save his girlfriend. They break up and he wants it all back.She hands him a tampon and says "I'll pay you monthly!!!"

Why does a hooker get paid more than a drug dealer? Cause a hooker can rewash her crack and sell it again!!!!

Have you ever wondered if your mom gave your dad a blow job before she kissed you goodnight??......... If not----I bet you are now!!!!

Roses are red, condoms are blue, aids are killing so watch who you screw.

Can you get pregnant from anal sex? and if so is it considered a crack baby or an a**hole???

WOMEN!!!! Boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini and leg waxing!! And they wont take it in the a** cuz it hurts!!!
(imagine this i got it from my boyfriend!!! lol)

Elephant asked camel "Why are your tits on your back?" Camel said " Ain't that some sh*t, coming from a guy with a d**k on his face!!!"

Why is orgasn a 6 letter word? because it's easier to spell than...
OhmygodyesOhsh*tdeepteryesgodpleaseOh!!!

Question on the day- if you have sex with a hooker against her will is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Warning!! sucking d**k is bad for your health, it's 1% urine 3% pubic hair 5% nut and 91% other b**ches!!!

Next time you call in sick to work, tell em you have Anal Blindness if they ask "What's that?" Tell em "I can't see my a$$ going to work!!"

Here is a forward my dear sister sent me to cheer me up

EFFECTIVE January 3, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Insurance will be reduced to $10 a year per person. You should not be going to the Dr. since the excuses are not valid, therefore you do not need insurance. We will be raising the rates of your insurance. We figure if you have to pay us for insurance, you will think twice before being “sick”.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management

wow lol

i pity whatever company has that

so do i id be like buh bye

yah me too

hehe

Hmm, I wonder where you got that forward Dyan?

no idea lol! just from you --but you knew that lol

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.? After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so richthat he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
__________________________________________ __________________
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW".

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
"FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T T HINK SO".

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT "

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO".

"FINE", SHE SAYS
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK "

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS".
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

J UST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE".

HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"
__________________________________________ __________________
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband
replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't
it?"
__________________________________________ _________________
BLONDE & PREGNANT

The other day my neighbor, who is BLONDE, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for JOY! I didn't know what she was so excited about,
but I thought 'what the heck', and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great, tell me why you are so happy."

She stopped jumping up and down, and breathing heavily from all the jumping,
said "I'm pregnant!!!"

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier for you!"

She said, "Wait, there's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not just having one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how soon she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew. She said.........."Well that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN pack, and both
tests came out positive!!"

LOL I love the first one...

lol those were great!!!!