anorexia for years, never satisfied

As long as I can remember. I´m 37 and not over it yet. I have a fair weight now. I´m a kick boxing blue belt working hard for the green one. Boxing has kept me alive, I eat ´cause I have to be strong but every bite is a torture and a sense of guilt that never goes away. People around me think that I m over it but all that I think about is that I have to try never give up or I will die...I feel fat even when u can see my muscles.Its never enough, its never good, never satisfied never feel ok. Every body talks about young girls with anorexia, I m a woman and I just know I will never recover from it, my doctor told me so. He said that u can reach a point of no return. Am I there? I fight every day and the pain is my best friend so that I can feel my body. I don´t like to eat in front of others, I don´t like to watch people feeding. I have gastritis and sometimes it hurts really bad. But I like it so it will keep me from eating even when I m not really hungry. I ve got lots of demons to deal with...but I try not to hurt those that I love and I just keep it to myself. Had breakfast today, I trained for about 3 hours, eat some rice and I think later I´ll have some sushi rolls. Today is friday, sunday is my brother´s birthday, no cake for me.