Please Tell Me...is It Possible Not to Have a Heart?!

one of my goals for the new year was to get rid of the bad influences in my life.

i recently eliminated the worst one, and he took my heart with him.

i spent new years with this man! coming into 2008...i expected good things to come for him and i. but i was so wrong and ive never felt pain like this!

the story?
we met when i was on vacation. thats right, he lives half the country away from me. i knew he had a rough past with drugs. but during the three days we saw eachother, i knew something was there because when i got home, i felt like something was missing.

we didnt know eachother too well then. but three monthes later we started really talking again. told me all this wonderful stuff about how he never forgot about me, i make him feel so happy, so on and so forth.

so i came to visit him again. it was on that second vacation that i fell in love with him. he told me we would figure it out. we would be happy.

well that was a year ago. because of him, my 2007 new years was miserable. i didnt see him for a year. at some point, i drunk-dialed him and confessed that i was in love with him. he said the same back.

we talked EVERY DAY...long distance...for three monthes. he came to visit me for new years. i gave him everything i had. everything!

i thought, this is it, you know? we are so in love with eachother...if we can keep it strong through the distance, our connection can survive anything.

the thing is, he has this ex. and she still loved him, i knew she did. and she had been calling him every day while he was here. she knew about me and she wasnt happy, naturally.

well i broke down one day, asked him if he still loved her.
he had gotten her pregnant a couple years ago. he told me that its still hard for him, but what happened was in the past. and he loves me now, blah blah blah

he said he would tell her the truth. that im "the one for him"


but you guessed it. he goes home and hardly calls me at all. which gave me a bad feeling, quite obviously.

only 3 days after he leaves me, i call him one afternoon. he was hanging out with his ex. and let her answer the phone, health forum me out, and then hang up on me.

and it was a slap in the face. i HEARD him in the background saying "end the call"..."i dont want to talk to her right now"

he called a little later, and layed it all on me.
after everything he had said and promised me and done, now he was saying that this girl still had his heart.
that we were stupid for thinking he and i could work this out.
that he had been leading me on, and we werent meant to be together, blah blah blah.


i really just thought he was misunderstood. that we were the unlikelyy couple...that we "got" eachother. i truly loved him with all i had and thought we were it, you know?

can someone please tell me how someone could have such a cold heart? or none at all?

after all this! i cant even cry anymore. im just so full of questions. was anything we had real to him?

is he just taking the easy way out because that girl lives there, and i dont?

i know this is long. but it helps me to talk about it and get different perspectives. because i was obviously so blind to everything.

not stupid, just blind.

i want so badly to get it out of him. and find out why the medical question hes done this to me. but then again i know its useless, because he obviously has no idea what he wants.
i knew i deserved better all along, but i didnt want anyone else. i know i cant talk to him again. in our last phone call, i told him to do be a huge favor, and never ever call me ever again.

but part of me is still struggling with the concept that everything we supposedly had is gone to caca and i will never get it back. he was my first love. i wasnt his.

never is a really long time. does anyone have a clue as to why someone would do this type of thing to anyone?