so i havent smoked any weed or drank
anything, so im gonna make an attempt at a
sober post...i usually make these when im
drunk to blow off some steam, then delete
it in the morning cus i find them kinda
weird...but the odd time ppl reply and i
cant delete them and i end up comming off
as a stubborn suicidal alcoholic...really
i dont drink that much, i drink alot when
i do, but mostly im just a pothead, which
i dont see anything wrong with
but yah, for the last two years ive felt
like crap, which makes me dysthymic i
think, and its really getting hard to even
wake up in the morning
...so i have a chemical imbalance...i
didnt always have one (i had a dormant
one, yes their are dormant mental
disorders if you didnt know). sure i was a
hyper kid back in the day and a lil weird,
but weed and booze leveled me out when i
started highschool. i loved partying and
stuff in grade nine and ten, but in grade
ten i started doing ecstasy like every
weekend. i first did it cus i was bored of
drinking and partying, and ended up
sticking with it cus...well it is fun as
hell... i did about 120 pills in a year
(my friends numbers are over 300 for that
year) and quit cus my drug phase kinda
burned out... i just wanted to drink and
party again. but i couldnt suddenly. i had
no urge to sociallize, chase girls, or
anything.
there are some ppl who are never susposed
to do drugs, ever. those are the ppl go go
insane off one tab of acid, or kill
themselves when their on pills. these are
ppl with a true 'chemical imbalance' i
guess, ppl whos brains are hardwired a bit
different im told. now i thought i was
normal all my life, until EXCESS drug use
altered my brain chemisty, bringing out my
dormant weird brain functions, like weird
speech and memory stuff. so now im pretty
screwed in the head, one of the 'chemical
unbalanced' i guess.
the thing about my depression is that i
think its permanent. unless they find a
miracle way to fix the serotonin producers
in my brain(which is currently impossible
rite now im pretty sure). like drugs or
meds dont help at all. i could pop 3 pills
of ecstasy and still wouldnt feel happy. i
could win the lottery and still would be
pessimistic about life. im trying to have
a relationship with a girl that i do care
about, but without serotonin its hard for
me to feel close to her. when your with
someone your susposed to feel happy but i
cant be happy so its hard being with her.
i recently figured that im probly unable
to experience love. sure i love of those
close to me and i would be heartbroken if
something happened to them, but without
the 'happy chemical' i dont think i can
find whats like to actually love someone.
yah im not going anywhere with this and
its getting to be a long ass post, i just
wanted to try and do this sober, and when
im actually me. i think you guys mite
think im suicidal from my post which i
just saw is under review, but just try and
think of those alcohol induced posts as
from another person. im not asking for
advice or anythin, cus there is no real
advice for me. im damaged goods haha. i
just like going on this site cus i have
absolutly no one to talk to about my
problems, and this site helps.
if you read all that im shocked cus it is
long as hell. im gonna go smoke some weed
now cus it makes me forget about
everything and i can laugh for a while.
peace
|
CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Kudo's Shake! Posted: 01-11-08 07:13am
You can do it if you really want to stop.
Just remember the "triggers". Peers, bars
etc...........Hit a few AA and NA meetings
if you can. Your killing your brain cells
Shake. I want ya around with us for a long
time.
Carrie
|
shake
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 25 Location: , Canada
Posted: 01-11-08 13:09pm
its not that im still killing my brain
cells, i havent done any drugs besides
weed for almost a year, and have no urge
to ever do them again. but the damage is
done and i have to live with that. its
almost physically impossible for me to
feel anything positive, food doesnt taste
good, hot chicks dont get me as excited, a
giant bottle of rum doesnt get make me
want to have fun. the part of my brain
that makes serotonin has stopped making
it, a side effect from ppl who do way to
much methamphetamines or cocaine. like i
want to be happy, i want be the old person
i was but at the moment i cant without my
brains chemicals helping me out. like its
so frusterating when the only emotions
your capable of experiencing are anger,
sadness, jealosy, and despair. the only
thing that keeps me going is smoking weed
becasue its damn near impossible to feel
bad when your baked.
|
poisonangel168
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 32 Location: High Ridge, MO, USA
Posted: 01-11-08 13:21pm
I know exactly how you feel
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-11-08 13:28pm
i dont see pot as a problem when you have
the menatlity to KNOW you can survive
without it. when it takes over your life
and becomes a thing that you feel you need
to have or you will go crazy then its a
problem. personally i have more of a
problem with alcohol than pot. if you cn
kick the alcohol thats the first thing.
alos maybe you can try to smoke just a
little each day? cut back and dont get
completely stoned because thats an easy
way out of it. youre going to sit back one
day and think "oh my god i wasted so much
time just sitting there stoned?"
i was a heavy cocaine addict for a long
time and i wasted so many hours oof my
life messed up. and when you think
abouthow short lifevis already,these highs
and drugs are only makeing it shorter. and
when life is already so short its not
fair to yourself to make it even shorter.
when you described you teen years and how
you started doing these things i saw
myself. i was exactly the same way. dude,
let me tell you. youre only a teenager for
a short amount of time. and when you waste
it like that you can NEVER go back and
change it. you can NEVER relive those
moments to be a teenager. when thats takn
away from you its the crappiest feeling in
the world. weed is only a temp fix. it may
get you high,but there will be a point in
your life when you wont be able to use
that for an escape. and when you come back
down from being high, youll sit there and
then BAM. damnit. its all over. the real
world is back again. and your just sad all
over. weed wont help you forever. you need
to find something that will be there for
after you come back down. something that
will keep you happy or atleast okay. and
soon that can ease in the way of this pot.
and it can substitute its place
you say you know you have a chemical
imbalance? have you ever thought of maybe
going to talk to someone? maybe reaching
out and getting some help? im not trying
to say " oh you need help. go to a
psycatrist" or anything but what im trying
to say is maybe it would actually be of a
huge benifit to you just to talk to
someone? im here if you ever want to. ive
got aim,yahoo im. whatever. what im saying
is if you WANT to just talk...there are
people who can help. or someone who can
just isten.
alright well im hungry i havent aten yet
and im still in my PJ's.
ttyl
|
marvel
Supporter
Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 1104 Location: Toronto, Ontario (but only a private message away)
Thanks: 50
Thanked:8
Posted: 01-11-08 15:31pm
As I recall, shake, you said you didn't
want to go see a doctor about this...
You're tricking yourself when you say that
this is permanent. There are other 'drugs'
out there (the prescription kind) that can
seriously help you. The only way that you
can say your problem is permanent is if
you've tried every drug out there, and
have been on them for a very long time.
Exstasy and weed are NOT treatments, they
are coping mechanisms that have led you to
where you are right now. You have so much
power to change yourself and how you feel,
you know!!
|
shake
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 25 Location: , Canada
Posted: 01-11-08 16:28pm
i really dont like prescription drugs, i
dont even take tylenol for headaches. i
only drink on the weekends, but i think im
gonna cut back on that cus i cant afford
it anymore, its real expensive in canada.
i've read up about ecstasy and long term
effects, and its widely presumed that all
damage done is permanent. ive kinda come
to accept that, cus theirs no one to blame
but myself.
but yah i just took a bong rip and im
feeling okay, thanks for listening, im
gonna play some xbox
peace
|
marvel
Supporter
Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 1104 Location: Toronto, Ontario (but only a private message away)
Thanks: 50
Thanked:8
Posted: 01-13-08 20:15pm
I think that's a cop out.
You feel safe right now with the way
things are, despite how crappy you feel
right now. At the very least, you should
talk to a doctor to see if there is
anything that can be done to help.
Change is hard, especially when it seems
like an uphill battle. Don't dismiss
something if you haven't tried it,
especially medication (or therapy) that
may help.
