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Q: Underage Sister Wants Birth Control

asked by: lele25 on January 3rd, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Sorry this is so long. Ok I'm in a sort of sticky situation and need some good advice. My younger sister is 15 years old and even though there is a 10 year age difference, we have always been very close. Yesterday she came over to our house to hang out and spend the night and all the while she was texting and IM'ing her boyfriend. During one of her IM'ing episodes, I was walking into our computer room and just glanced at the screen, and was very surprised at the seriousness of their conversation. I joked with her by saying "cool it down, I'm not ready to be an aunt yet". Then she said that she needed to talk to me about something very personal. I told her of course....Then she springs it on me! She said that she is considering having sex with her boyfriend and wants me to help her obtain birth control! I nearly passed out! Really I think I was frozen for about minuet. Anyway I told her that I was concerned that her having sex now is not the wisest thing to do and that I think she should wait untill she was older. I explained to her that virginity is not something you just give up, that sex is something very special and worth waiting for. I explained that I'm not saying to wait untill marriage just wait a while untill she is sure she is in love and ready. Well, she of course insist that she is in love...yada yada yada...and that she knows he is the one. I just told her I would have to think on it and get back with her. Ok obviously there is nothing I can do to stop her and if she does do it I want her to be protected. What do yall think I should do? Should I help her obtain bc? Can I even do that if I'm not her parent? I feel so awkward because if our parents ever found out...whoa they would kill us both....its not like they can ground me anymore, LOL, but silent treatment can be rough! Any advice yall have would be so appreciated!!! Thanks yall so much! Confused

Replies(12)

Marianne0558

replied on January 3rd, 2008

Supporter

You're right, she is going to have sex whether or not you tell her it's ok or not.
The best thing to do is make sure she is protected.
I would help her get the birth control.
Even if she was on birth control, that doesn't necessarily mean she has to have sex, she will just be prepared when she is ready.
By the way, make sure to tell her that she has to wait 3 months while taking the pill before she is protected. She will have to use condoms during that 3 month time.

Marianne0558

replied on January 3rd, 2008

Supporter

sammisa

replied on January 3rd, 2008

Experienced User

If she chooses to have intercourse, she needs to be protected via birth control and condoms (to prevent stds). With it being her first time, and her being so young, she is not going to think about what could happen, ya know?

lele25

replied on January 3rd, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Thank you. I just don't feel comfortable with this at all. I feel like I'm giving her the green light to have sex if I help her to obtain birth control. On the other hand I'd feel horrible if I didn't help her and she got pregnant or an STD. I also keep worring about what would happen if our parents found out. Yes I am a grown and married woman but still, they would be so upset with me for "helping her to have sex". I don't think kids should be going through this kind of stuff so young I mean I was 18 the first time I had sex...I know that's only a 3 year difference, but there's a lot of maturing between 15 and 18. She'll be back over on Sat. Do yall think ther's anything else I can say to her to prevent her from doing it?

daisy89

replied on December 6th, 2008

New User

I'm 19 and I know that my mom would hate for me to have sex, (my family is quite conservative) but at the same time she told me that if I made the decision to do it that she would want me to come to her first and she would have me put on birth control. Is there anyway you can talk to your mom about this without losing your sisters trust? This would put you in an easier situation and I think a lot of parents want to know. Even if she isn't thrilled about it either, she will probably come to realize that it's hard to change someone's mind about something and she just wants her to be safe. I also have an older sister that's 7 years older than me and her opinion means a lot to me. You say that your relationship is close, and if she is coming to you with this question it obviously is. She probably really is considering what you are saying to her so keep at it! One thing I have never been ashamed of is keeping my virginity. She may just need some time to think it through.
Good luck!!

worrywart01

replied on December 6th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

clearly her only concern here is pregnancy since shes only considering birth control..does she have all the facts on stds? maybe if shes ready for sex then shes ready for a reality check, sit her down maybe with some..eye opening pictures of some not so pretty pictures just so she understands that pregnancy is definitely not the only concern and if shes considering becoming sexually active at 15 she needs to know everything..this is a huge move..i hadn't even had my first kiss at 15 i cant imagine being ready for sex! thats insane..kids these days..i just dont understand..maybe i was just a naive 15 year old? anyway..my personal opinion is that there is no way a 15 year old can fully understand being in love and the commitment it takes and is DEFINITELY NOT ready for sex..but..as you said this isn't something you can control...maybe just sit her down and have a talk about how serious this is bc she needs to be well informed before she makes a big move like this...

Jazzy77

replied on December 6th, 2008

Experienced User

let me share a different perspective for y'all. i'll take the little sister's perspective for a minute. see, my mom died when i was 13, and i wish i had an older sister or SOMEBODY to discuss this stuff with when i was younger. i had to figure everything out on my own, and that was very "trial and error" with emphasis on error.

your little sister is so blessed to have you to help her. and because you have been given this gift, you should be sure to allow her to capitalize on it. at the same time, i do understand your perspective too and your concern for her. voice this to her...tell her it's not cool to have sex too early...give her HECK for wanting to do this...BUT help her if that's her choice.

she'll respect you and love you all the more. i know it seems like a daunting responsibility to YOU, but don't just see it as such...see it as a gift to her that she has you to rely on, to talk to, to seek counsel from etc.

i'll pray for both of you cause y'all both are gonna need it!
jasmine

Jinjer

replied on December 8th, 2008

Experienced User

From yet another perspective...

I went to my mother when I was younger and told her I was thinking about having sex. I asked her to help me get some form of birth control. She told me absolutely not as she was not going to "give me permission" to have sex by helping me get birth control. I had a baby six months after I turned 16.

I wish I would have had someone to help me out. I was going to have sex weather mom said it was ok or not. When she said not, even though I knew the risks, I still had sex but also had a if she doesnt care why should I attitude about birth control.

It's not about age. I understand helping your sister could put you in a precarious position with your family but consider the alternative. If she was going to talk to your mother about it she would have gone to her instead of you. Adults these days tout morals and values and praise themselves for progressing and offering resources to our young but pull their heads into their shells when our young actually utilize the resources we always tell them are there.

Talk to your sister. She is the only one that is going to be able to make up her mind and nothing you say will make it so she does or doesn't have sex. I think she has shown some great maturity in asking for help in the first place. She also needs to be informed that birth control is not std prevention and given information on that as well. Maybe, if the choice to help out or not all comes down to how the parents will react...let your sister know how you feel about it and offer to talk to your parents WITH her. If she is adamant that she will not talk with your mother leave it at that. You could lose the trust she obviouly has in you in the first place. IMO I think you should help her or at the very least, direct her toward planned parenthood.

Users who thank Jinjer for this post: motherofhighspiritedones

motherofhighspiritedones

replied on December 8th, 2008

Supporter

Thank you for that perspective Jinjer. I want to add that providing birth control IS NOT giving permission to have sex. It is giving permission to BE SAFE. I was lucky that my parents tried to protect me from an unplanned pregnancy and helped me to obtain birth control. Sadly, in the end, I ended up pregnant anyway, but luckily I was 17 and at a place in my life where I knew what I wanted and had a stable job and stable relationship. No one knows why my birth control failed, but it can happen. That is another thing you should share with your sister. Not everything is foolproof. She should use contraception and a barrier method such as condoms. I could not use condoms because at the time all there were were latex condoms and I am allergic. The newer lambskin condoms were very expensive and very hard to come by. And I agree, if you do not feel comfortable or wish to "give permission", please please at least drive her to Planned Parenthood, where they provide sex education and birth control that is free or very low cost.

nightangel73

replied on December 8th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

ele I think it is great that your little sister has bringing this issue out before she does anything.

YOu need to read this regarding the law and sex under the age of consent

If I were you I would by all means talk to your mom about it to give her heads up. If your mom finds out you she is having sex you know she can accuse the guy of statutory rape? This is a big issue.

I would not give her the birth control and have serious talks with her.

mmmgiene

replied on December 10th, 2008

New User

I only have one question for you...would you rather have the silent treatment from your parents for getting her the birth controle, or would you prefer the silent treatment they will give you when she gets pregnant and they find out you knew some thing was going to happen and you did nothing. Number one, I would get her the birth controle and then let your parents in on the loop a little....... she is too young but age doesn't stop any one! But your parents should know... that doesn't make you a nark... makes you a big sister! You can go to a free clinic......I'm not even sure if you have to be there... Ithink she can go on her own. Make sure she knows all the facts!

mmmgiene

replied on December 10th, 2008

New User

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