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Bisexual Husband (Page 3)


August 5th, 2009
Not Alone
I am in a similar situation. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years, we are in the midst of planning our wedding, and we are very, very happy. But I was away over the weekend, and when I came back, I was on the computer and found links to gay porn sites. After thinking it over, I confronted him about it. We talked and he admitted that he is bisexual and that he's had feelings for both men and women since he was in middle school. He also said that he has never experienced another man and that the porn is just fantasy. We spent much of the night talking, and I know that he loves me. He says that he would never cheat and that we are still going to get married and that nothing has changed. He was relieved that I knew. He never told anyone.

I am just afraid that we'll get married and he'll be bored, or that he'll want to seek out a man to have that experience... I'm not really sure what to do, but am holding off on making any decisions.

Just know -- you are not alone.
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Users who thank bananas for this post: gripzz 

replied August 5th, 2009
Experienced User
Bananas story is a great example...
She now has to make the choice weather to continue the relationship or not. He was hiding something big from her. It's great that they could talk about it openly and it sounds like rationally. However, heres where it gets dicey... afraid he will want to seek out a man if he gets bored... Love is love no matter what and yes, there is the possibility of a man but why assume it will be a man he seeks out? Why not a woman with different color hair or bigger boobs or different interest. Gender doesnt matter. If he gets bored and cheats, its cheating...period. Has nothing to do with his sexuality.
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replied August 5th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Tough call Jinjer...In this case with the strong curiosity towards the opposite sex, I believe he would error on the side of sexual curiosity....Sex is the strongest emotion that there is...It pulsates through you...It is a hunger that you cannot control...It brings a smile to your face just thinking of it....It would frighten me being in the place where this woman is...What I had feared the most ever happening in our relationship,would now be a possiblity....IMO, a woman can fight another woman for his charms....But with a man, she just can't fill the bill.....He offers a pleasure that cannot be duplicated....
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replied August 5th, 2009
when i see so many women and young girls mailing in and saying there partner is doing this on there backs and there doing that. it kinda angers me and saddens me. you love this person but they are stabing you in the backs! whats the guarantee he won't cheat?? why you want to take the risk of marrying somebody like this? you are hurt and insecure and for how long? those porn images coming again and again in your mind. your constantly insecure. you cry. you feel disgusted. is this a life to live? fair enough he probably loves you but you deserve better and there ie better men out there if you only had the courage and strenght to leave.
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replied August 6th, 2009
Thank you for your comments. We talked again last night, and am not as concerned as I was before. We had a frank and honest conversation. I believe that things will be fine if we stay honest -- and we are going to speak with a counselor too.

As for the comments regarding cheating, I am no more fearful that he will do that now that I know that he's bisexual. My fear stems from his not experimenting with a man beforehand, and then maybe reconsidering later. As Jinjer stated, gender doesn't matter. Our relationship would be over if he cheated with a woman or a man. This is not something that is going on. He has been faithful, but uncertain of how I would feel about his sexual preferences.

The key for us is to learn to trust each other again, and it will take a while since he held on to a secret for so long (I also don't think that it's a big deal that he's attracted to men... I was hurt because I didn't know.) Hopefully, with counseling, we can rebuild our relationship.
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replied August 6th, 2009
Experienced User
Why?

It is not like you are marooned on an island and he is the only male person. Why? You are about to marry this person, and don't know him.

Three years you've been with a guy you don't know...and of course, you will believe anything he tells you cause you love him....

You go away one weekend...one tiny little weekend and loverboy jumps on the computer to make his links with his gay self....

I had a very close friend, and one day I happened to stop by and catch him on a crack pipe.

Apparently he'd been using Coke for years...this was the first time I caught him. It was the last. I was out of there quite quickly.

I never knew he used drugs. It never came up, I never caught him.

So you caught your guy...
of course if you hadn't...

You ever hear of the down low?
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replied August 6th, 2009
Experienced User
bananas wrote:
Thank you for your comments. We talked again last night, and am not as concerned as I was before. We had a frank and honest conversation. I believe that things will be fine if we stay honest -- and we are going to speak with a counselor too.

The key for us is to learn to trust each other again, and it will take a while since he held on to a secret for so long (I also don't think that it's a big deal that he's attracted to men... I was hurt because I didn't know.) Hopefully, with counseling, we can rebuild our relationship.


I commend you. Very level headed IMO. Best Wishes to you and your relationship! angel


Kaylar.
There are a lot of things about people we think we know that we have no idea about. It doesn't mean when we find out about it that changes the person, it changes our perception of them. It's how we handle that perception that makes it or breaks it. Something like your lover being bisexual is a big thing to hide but even when they are hiding it they are still bisexual. Just because we find out about it doesn't change that or them. When you found out about your friend of years doing drugs for years your idea of that friend changed, not the person your friend was.
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replied August 8th, 2009
Can it ever really work?
I don't know. I think I would always worry. From what I know from personal experiences even bisexual people have preferences towards one sex. And if this is NOT the case, they don't necessarily fancy both sexes simultaneously, they chop and change - which is why i'd worry about a)being cheated on and b) not fulfilling them 100% of the time.
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replied August 8th, 2009
Experienced User
Most bisexuals will choose to commit to the sex their preferences lean toward. Doesn't mean that they are not loyal. It's been my experience and a lot of talking to straight, bi , gay that most bisexuals fancy the same sex for sexual reasons only. Many have no desire to be in a relationship with the same sex outside of friendship and sex. If you think about it and are totally truthful, no one person can sexually satisfy another 100% of the time. Even when a relationship has mind blowing sex there are those times when it's ehh... it waxes and wanes.

Almost all of the time one partner seeks sex outside of the relationship it's not about sex. People usually step outside of their relationships because there is something else wrong in it. Now, that could be the sex in the relationship but it's usually in cases where one partner refuses to or doesn't meet the others sexual needs consistently. EG: the wife that cannot physically handle intercourse more than a couple times a month, has TMJ and cannot perform oral and refuses to compromise and assist/satisfy the husband sexually in any other way for whatever reason...to tired, doesn't get hers, thinks something else is repulsive...whatever.
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replied August 11th, 2009
Experienced User
I've been biting my tongue for awhile...but I'd like to put it out there.

A lot of homosexuals are ashamed, uncomfortable, whatever term you want to use with themselves. Some really really want to be straight.

You'll find some guys with a hundred girl friends, the big playboy, because he can not bond with a woman. And by having so many women he masks the fact that he's gay.

He'll have sex with them, it's not impossible. He can close his eyes, and maybe spray her with he man after shave and pretend he's behind Jack the Jock. He can
lie back close his eyes, she can give him oral, and he can think it's Macho Mike.

As time passes, he may have to resort to drink or drugs or whatever he needs.

At some point he gets married to 'prove' he is not 'that way'. But he is that way.

He's had lots of one night stands...with men. Might have
a best bud he's been enjoying for years. Might be in the down low.

At some point he doesn't want the vagina anymore. He wants oral or anal, or wants to be involved in 'pegging' because his body can't keep up the lies any longer.

When the wife, his only connection to the straight life catches him he will do or say anything to prevent her from leaving. She is his 'bulwark' against homosexuality.

Many women know but don't know.

Oh please, they say when one suggests anything...like why he has to spend so much time with Darryl or is rubbish in the bedroom.

Maybe they see peculair emails or strange sites, but these are often explained away...for example whitehouse.com is a porn site. You meant to type whitehouse.gov...right?

For some women, the 'gaydar' goes off after two or three years. For others, ten years. Some nearly twenty years because they are so sunk into self deception.
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replied August 17th, 2009
I think your husband loves you and has tried to be faithful to you and to hide his feelings for other men, but deep inside he knows he is gay and is ashamed of it. But now he got to the point where he needs to be with other men. I wouldn't get mad at him, but I would talk to him about it and let him understand that it is all right to be gay as long as he is honest with you and with himself. Then I would walk away from that relationship because sooner or later, he is going to end up being with another man. So you might as well do this now than wait for another ten years.
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replied August 18th, 2009
Experienced User
I see the situation as Marylander. He is gay and doesn't want to be. Yes he can love you, you can be his best friend, but as wife...no.
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replied December 12th, 2009
Re;original question
I know what you are going through.My husband is bi and it is hard.He has one night stands with guys and didn't tell me til after we got married and had a baby.he loves me but wants to be with guys also.I have no idea what to do.He thought since it was a guy it was ok.I told him it wasn't because it's still cheating.He feels bad sometimes when he has his urges.We used to be very open but since he came out and told me alot of things I couldn't belive we arn't anymore.He goes on chat rooms to talk to guys and talk dirty with.Also looks at porn.It hurts so much.I can't bear it.I cry constantly.We love each other and we dont want a divorce.But he can't be monogomous.Since I told him I may want a divorce he started talking to other girls also.He said he stopped but has their number on his phone still.He talks to a girl who he says is just a friend but I can't trust him.I know what it's like.I'm stuckin my marriage.He won't let me leave.Please think about if you can or can not accept it.Leave before it is too late if you can't.Don't end up trapped.If you want to talk more please write me.Maybe we can get through it together since we are in the same situation.please write me.
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replied December 13th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Homosexuals don't have sex with women, sorry.
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replied May 19th, 2010
I mean this respectfully. I understand your worries. I would like to point out though that this is the prime reason why it is very, very important for our society to be more tolerant about homosexuality. Children who grow up in an environment where it is dangerous and looked down upon to be gay, will be more likely to suppress it and marry someone of the opposite sex. Over time, they can't hide their feelings and they end up cheating. I want to make it very clear that this is way more common than most people realize...by far. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely feel for these women (or men) who end up finding out that their spouse is gay or Bi, but there is a long term, positive solution for our society to help reduce this kind of problem. We can't stamp out adultery completely, but it is possible to make a difference.
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replied May 19th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
No, this doesn't happen more often than people think. I'm sure it has happened in very isolated instances involving mental disorder. Kind of in the same way that periodically an animal is promoted into public office in society or people with multiple personalities marry 5 different people who are unaware of one another but a gay person entering a monogamous union with someone of the opposite sex happens much more often in sit comes than in reality.

In most circumstances homosexuals are not capable of the heterosexual intimacy required to advance the idea of marriage. Many people are so unbalanced obsessed with the idea of marriage that they may overlook that their finance has no sexual attraction to them. Very often extreme mental abuse will cause people to believe things that are not true. It does happen that a homosexuals are tortured to the point where they believe they are heterosexual but they would still require a partner with so little need for intimacy that they wouldn't realize that it isn't present. If you are in a marriage that is free from sexual intimacy, I don't judge. However medically there is a human need that isn't being fulfilled, that's not healthy. If you've never had sex with your partner, possibility of being married to a homosexual is the very least of your troubles.
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replied June 27th, 2010
a mans opinon
I'm a merried bi male. iv'e been merried for 19 years. my wife knows and under stands. it doesnt mean i love her or her body any less. i dont know what i would do with out her. she knows that her body does satifies me. i have supreses my fealings for many years but there is always a desire to be with a man for sex only not for any type of relationsip. we usualy watch bi videos before sex. i guess she knows it gives me some male satisfaction with out being with a man. being bi sucks for the bi persons because its like a part of you never gets to be fullfilled. i have been with a man a few times, many years ago. i had a friend with benifits witch me and the wife experamented with, alone and together. but he moved away for work. we are scared of the desises out there. so ladies i can understand that secrets are not good for the merrige. but i dont think being bi is a choise you make yourself. like i said it sucks for the bi person. try to be open minded to it. its not always there fault thay have thease fealings. its something that is over the bi persons head every day of there life, no matter if there with a man or women thay always have the need for the oposite. thanks for reading, i hope this helps someone!

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replied June 27th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
It's not accurate to say that all bisexuals will always be attracted to both genders. It is normal for interest in one gender to wax or wain over time. What won't change is that a bisexual won't stop being the person that loves you. If they respected the relationship before theres no reason to expect that they would stop at any point simply because of how they were born.
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replied July 5th, 2010
keep your temper and think
question every assumption, people.

how did she "find out" about this website? it could very easily be that she suspected something, or it could be that she is invasive into his privacy. either way, if he has hidden it for a decade, it is almost assured he knows how to cover his tracks better. could it be that he KNEW she would snoop and left the bread crumbs for her to find?

it is unlikely (but not impossible) that he has not acted at least once or twice. the fact that he states he has NOT for the period of the marriage implies that he expected her to find it.

last point: if the above is likely (and occam says it probably is) then what kind of wife does he feel she is which would require such a passive mention of the subject? obviously, he does not feel safe to discuss his innermost feelings with his own wife.

this is a dynamic. it's an easy stone to throw at the man here, aren't thinking people better than the knee jerk reactions?

i say again! ask yourself WHY a wo/man would not feel comfortable discussing his/her innermost feelings with the person s/he married for life?

things that make you say "hmmmmm...."
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replied July 12th, 2010
This is brighten up my eyes !
merry45 wrote:
I stayed with my sister the night before she died and in between gssping for breath she told me that she was depressed,I ask her why, and my sister stated,"My husbands is homosexual,then she paused and said we have been married since I was a young girl- Her husband is a very nice gentleman to her ,wasn't very affection with her--They had two children that are grown now---I'm not sure how she found out about this, but it was very sad to see her die with sadness of 44 years --
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