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Bisexual Husband (Page 1)

I'm new to the forum but today is my 10 year wedding anniversary, however I'm in complete dismay.

This week I found a website my husband has frequented which is a gay porn site for men. I read his profile and it says that he is a "closet bisexual". He has written several posts about him not having encounters with men for 10 years and longing for that.

I had no idea, no indication at all this was going on. He said in his posts he had been lurking since 2004. He has not engaged in any conversations that I could see but his first post was on Christmas Eve 2007 and it said he was looking for "friends and maybe more". Another posts was that he has always been bisexual and he will always keep it a secret and his wife doesn't know.

Here is my dilemma....should I confront him about it? I don't feel like I should unless he "acts" upon his desires. I'm deeply saddend and kinda felt like I'm not satisfying him enough with our relationship. Our sex life is healthy. I know he truly loves me but I feel hurt that he's doing this. Is that ok to feel that way? He made me a wonderful dvd for our anniversary with a song that meant so much to me with words that expresses his love. So I'm in shock that this is happening.

My gut says to leave it alone and not say anything only if I suspect he is "cheating on me". Maybe this is just a fantasy and that's all.

I'm just hurting inside, stressed and I cried all morning about this. Any guidance would be appreciated
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First Helper BiHusband1989
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Users who thank waytoostressed for this post: needsupport 

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replied January 2nd, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
If you leave this alone, you are leaving the door open for him to engage in an extramarital affair. You are lucky. You have caught wind of this problem before it's escalated into something that could really end your marriage.

Confront him with it. Then maybe you should look into marriage counseling. If he does love you, he'll be able to give up the possibility of ever being with another person again because that is what marriage is about.
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replied October 4th, 2008
My ex boyfriend told me he was bisexual, i know exsactly what you mean about being hurt and feeling like your not satisfying him feeling that is totally normal. I think your right to only bring it up if it becomes an obvious problem.
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replied October 5th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
this is something huge to hide for ten years...and honestly whether it be man or woman the fact that he's "looking for a friend and maybe more" should not be ok..put it this way..how would you feel if you found out he was on a dating site looking for another female? that certainly wouldn't be ok..and i dont think that just because its a man that it should be ok...honestly i would bring it up,you've been married ten years...this is something that needs to be discussed...i know i would'nt be able to put it behind me if it wasn't discussed...but thats just how i am..i think in a marriage everything needs to be openly discussed
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replied October 5th, 2008
Experienced User
he's obviously not comfortable with anyone knowing he's bi
i know how that is and so does my fiance
no one wants to be judged on that
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replied October 6th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
bi or not...he made the decision to be with this woman when he got married, so if he's bi..then thats something he'll just have to learn to suppress bc just bc he is looking for a man does not mean its ok..its still cheating...
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Users who thank worrywart01 for this post: needsupport 

replied October 6th, 2008
Experienced User
it would help if she was more understanding of his needs to satisfy his urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have needs outside of each other

relationships take compromise and sacrifice
as well as communication
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replied April 16th, 2014
I bet you he wouldn't even tried he just thinks that he's bi if he has never done it before go own and tell him to get with a gay guy and you just watch if he does anything well then you know what to do if not to worry about
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replied October 6th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
FallenKitty wrote:
it would help if she was more understanding of his needs to satisfy his urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have needs outside of each other

relationships take compromise and sacrifice
as well as communication


What the point of a relationship, if its going to be open?

Her condition is different, she is in a monogamous marriage my dear...

I told my (ex hubby) when we were together I was bi-sexual, he offered me to go out with other woman and I refused, I didn't have the balls to cheat. Now the fact that he never told you, I think is pretty rash, maybe he is a bit more than bi???

It has nothing to do with your sex life or how good you are, dont worry about it but for me (example) Woman have more intuition for woman and vice-versa. So please don't feel bad about sex, there is a difference I find between being with a guy and a girl, both have their pros and cons.

Maybe he just needs to get it out of his system?

Maybe sit him down and tell him, I know you are a bi-sexual, I accept that and well I want you to figure out what you want (as in see a man and tell me if that is the path he wnats to continue with or with you.) You are acknowledging his fear but you are also giving him space and time to make his own decision, which it sounds like he needs right now.

Another suggestion
Why not try watching gay porn with him, see how he reacts?
Marriage counselling

I just have a problem with the "closet bi-sexual" part, trust is a very important factor of a working relationship so, I would say something. Don't scream just sit him down and try to be as understand as possible, bite your tongue because you may push him away my dear..

Sorry for the long post
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replied October 9th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
i agree with diamondz

also..to the poster that said she needs to be more understanding...PLEASE...put yourself in this womans shoes..she just found out her husband is bi and could be gay...and they've been married TEN YEARS...this isn't something you just get over and accept, this is something kept from a marriage...if he questioned his sexuality AT ALL he should have explored that ten years ago before proposing to this woman..bc when he took those vows he made his choice clearly, whether it be man or woman i dont care, its still a marriage and him trying to be with another man is still cheating in my opinion...your situation is much different, this seems to be something the both of you openly discussed and understood...this woman JUST found out after ten years of marriage
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replied January 26th, 2009
My Dead Sister
I stayed with my sister the night before she died and in between gssping for breath she told me that she was depressed,I ask her why, and my sister stated,"My husbands is homosexual,then she paused and said we have been married since I was a young girl- Her husband is a very nice gentleman to her ,wasn't very affection with her--They had two children that are grown now---I'm not sure how she found out about this, but it was very sad to see her die with sadness of 44 years --
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replied January 26th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi Merry and welcome to ehealth....

Being a woman in your sister's age range, I can feel the hurt that she felt...A woman needs love and she wasn't getting it...This saddened her as he was giving it to another....

Hopefully, someone will learn from your story of life...

Take care,
Caroline
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replied June 6th, 2009
I have bee married for 22 years and just found out that my husband is bi-sexual and decided to act on it at the age of 50 ITS NOT OK !!!!!!!!!!! He decieved me when he asked me to marry him. We have a son that is 19 and in college. I am deepley saddened and very angry. He thinks its ok because he cheated with another man and not a woman. Cheating is cheating. He has destroyed our marriage, and on top of that he may have HIV.
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replied June 6th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I would have to agree with you 100%...I would not have sex with him again unless he uses a condom...I would not give him oral sex without a condom on...Nor would I let him give me oral sex....

We are here for you at the Forum anytime you want help...I am so sorry for the pain you are going through...Good luck...

Caroline
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replied June 6th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
It is not ok for him to haved deceived you for all the years you have been married. This will be hard for you to live with if you do not confront him, and maybe even harder if you do. However, before you do, you had better think carefully about how you will feel when you get the answers you ask for. Will you be able to stay with him knowing he is bi? If he is hiding this from you, sooner or later he may act on it, because it's part of who he is. Just make sure you know what you want to do when and if you get the answers you hoped not to. This is a hurtful situation, more for the fact that you had a happy life with him, that you now have learned has not been totally truthful. Don't rush our of anger, but you do have to make a decision, because it's obvious you will have a hard time acting like you don't know now. And just maybe the fact that you found the websites could be because he wanted you to? It would seem to me, if he didn't want you to know, he would have covered his track better. I hope you find the answers you need.
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replied June 7th, 2009
He told me about his encounter with that man only because he had symptoms of HIV. We have discussed it
and he will proably be leaving on Monday.I am 57 years old,I gave up everything to Marry him,and this is what I get in return. I am going to write him off as a Human Being and start all over again. ALONE. I don't need a man to make me happy. We had awonderful Marriage but it was all alie.
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replied June 7th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Hi madashell. My post was actually for waytoostressed, the original poster, but I guess you could apply it to your case too. My heart goes out to you. I know what your feeling. I have a friend who was in the same position...married, had two kids, then her husband decides to admit he is gay and leave her. He was so mean to her throughout their entire marriage, it's a wonder she stayed with him, but I think alot of that was coming from him not being able to admit to himself that he was gay. She is much better off now. You are right, you don't need a man to make you happy, but it is such a hurt to know that what you thought was bliss, turned out to be a sham. Take some time to grieve, then start taking care of YOU. I hope the HIV symptoms were just a scare, and he doesn't have it. I don't think I could ever forgive a man for knowing he could get it and not warning me before sex. Hope he at least had the good sense to protect you. God bless you, and I know that in time, there is something, or someone wonderful waiting out there for you. Take care.
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replied June 7th, 2009
Community Volunteer
The most important thing it for you to be tested...If there is one thing I have a hard time tolerating it is a man that is in a relationship with a woman and at the same time having unprotected sex with another man...No, you don't need him as you have your own life...However, don't let him sour you on life...Yours is a sad story, but there are many good people out in this world to share your joys of life with...As I have aged, I found that in my 50's, that life had only begun...Don't be surprised if you do too...

I send you my best wishes and do take care...
Caroline
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replied June 29th, 2009
Experienced User
This is why AIDs is spreading so fast among married women.
Women who never had sex with anyone but their husbands. Sounds crazy, huh? A promiscuious gay man is more likely to protect himself than a faithful married woman.

One...no sex without a condom. Ever.

He can say anything...but trust me on this one, it is more likely for him to go out, have sex with the most available guy and bring home a few incurable diseases than you can imagine.

Get out of the relationship, at least physically, so you don't die of AIDs
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replied July 14th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Way too stressed;
This is a gut-check in your marriage. None of us can know how much you love one another or how every moment between you has played out. Only you can make the decision if your love and trust of him is strong enough to work through this.

Your husband is not indulging a fantasy. Don't believe it for a second. Men curious about homosexuality do not build profiles, they go to every extreme to conceal information and discourage contact from gay or bisexual men. Accept that the man you are married to will always be sexually attracted to men. This is a need, not a want, not something he's doing to hurt you, not something he can shut off any more than you can suck-it-up and start being a lesbian. There is also no reason to expect that his Bisexuality will just go away over time. Many bisexuals change in their attraction back or forth. It is not predictable and not able to be influenced. Even though you only found out recently, the man you fell in love with was a bisexual, the man you took your vows with was a bisexual, and the man who has been your husband for 10 years was a bisexual. It is a part of the man you love completely and part of what makes him who he is.

Your husband has lied to you for 10 years. The nature of that lie doesn't much matter. The issue is he deceived you coming into the marriage. I'm guessing you didn't clear it with your husband before snooping through his browser history and that you didn't immediately sit down and talk with him about what you found so you're keeping some secrets as well. Every marriage has secrets kept for the sake of the marriage. I have no reason to expect that he kept his bisexuality a secret to destroy the marriage or hurt you. You'll have to decide if the circumstances of his betrayal are such that you cannot find trust for him in the marriage. There is no reason for you to believe that your husband has broken his vows or ever will.

Yes you need to sit down and talk with him about this as soon as you're prepared for the discussion. Level with him how you found out, ask him to explain why he never told you he is sexually attracted to men. Explain to him why his bisexuality is threatening to you. Tell him you both need to address his sexual preference and how it is going to work in the marriage. This is a complex issue, it doesn't have to be settled in one night, in fact it may be more productive to open the discussion and give him some time to come to terms with how this is going to impact the marriage before continuing the talk. If you do adjourn the discussion it must always be agreed upon when you will sit down and talk it out again.

You are not the only person in a marriage with a bisexual person. Thousands of other women are going through what you are right now and likely more men. It takes work and communication and compromise.
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replied July 14th, 2009
Experienced User
Why bother? It is not as if one has to stay together. I know women who left men because their drinking became a problem. How much more dangerous is this?
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