I'm new to the forum but today is my 10
year wedding anniversary, however I'm in
complete dismay.
This week I found a website my husband has
frequented which is a gay porn site for
men. I read his profile and it says that
he is a "closet bisexual". He has written
several posts about him not having
encounters with men for 10 years and
longing for that.
I had no idea, no indication at all this
was going on. He said in his posts he had
been lurking since 2004. He has not
engaged in any conversations that I could
see but his first post was on Christmas
Eve 2007 and it said he was looking for
"friends and maybe more". Another posts
was that he has always been bisexual and
he will always keep it a secret and his
wife doesn't know.
Here is my dilemma....should I confront
him about it? I don't feel like I should
unless he "acts" upon his desires. I'm
deeply saddend and kinda felt like I'm not
satisfying him enough with our
relationship. Our sex life is healthy. I
know he truly loves me but I feel hurt
that he's doing this. Is that ok to feel
that way? He made me a wonderful dvd for
our anniversary with a song that meant so
much to me with words that expresses his
love. So I'm in shock that this is
happening.
My gut says to leave it alone and not say
anything only if I suspect he is "cheating
on me". Maybe this is just a fantasy and
that's all.
I'm just hurting inside, stressed and I
cried all morning about this. Any
guidance would be appreciated
|
Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 01-02-08 22:52pm
If you leave this alone, you are leaving
the door open for him to engage in an
extramarital affair. You are lucky. You
have caught wind of this problem before
it's escalated into something that could
really end your marriage.
Confront him with it. Then maybe you
should look into marriage counseling. If
he does love you, he'll be able to give up
the possibility of ever being with another
person again because that is what marriage
is about.
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Fru69
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Oct 2008 Posts: 3
Posted: 10-04-08 16:40pm
My ex boyfriend told me he was bisexual, i
know exsactly what you mean about being
hurt and feeling like your not satisfying
him feeling that is totally normal. I
think your right to only bring it up if it
becomes an obvious problem.
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worrywart01
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 795 Location: ,
Thanks: 66
Thanked:10
Posted: 10-05-08 02:34am
this is something huge to hide for ten
years...and honestly whether it be man or
woman the fact that he's "looking for a
friend and maybe more" should not be
ok..put it this way..how would you feel if
you found out he was on a dating site
looking for another female? that certainly
wouldn't be ok..and i dont think that just
because its a man that it should be
ok...honestly i would bring it up,you've
been married ten years...this is something
that needs to be discussed...i know i
would'nt be able to put it behind me if it
wasn't discussed...but thats just how i
am..i think in a marriage everything needs
to be openly discussed
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FallenKitty
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Sep 2008 Posts: 83
Thanks: 1
Thanked:1
Posted: 10-05-08 08:50am
he's obviously not comfortable with anyone
knowing he's bi
i know how that is and so does my fiance
no one wants to be judged on that
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worrywart01
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 795 Location: ,
Thanks: 66
Thanked:10
Posted: 10-06-08 00:09am
bi or not...he made the decision to be
with this woman when he got married, so if
he's bi..then thats something he'll just
have to learn to suppress bc just bc he is
looking for a man does not mean its
ok..its still cheating...
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FallenKitty
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Sep 2008 Posts: 83
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Thanked:1
Posted: 10-06-08 01:43am
it would help if she was more
understanding of his needs to satisfy his
urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have
needs outside of each other
relationships take compromise and
sacrifice
as well as communication
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diamondsz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2005 Posts: 3332 Location: , Candyland-Canada
Thanks: 98
Thanked:159
Posted: 10-06-08 08:13am
FallenKitty
wrote:
it would help if she was
more understanding of his needs to satisfy
his urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have
needs outside of each other
relationships take compromise and
sacrifice
as well as
communication
What the point of a relationship, if its
going to be open?
Her condition is different, she is in a
monogamous marriage my dear...
I told my (ex hubby) when we were together
I was bi-sexual, he offered me to go out
with other woman and I refused, I didn't
have the balls to cheat. Now the fact
that he never told you, I think is pretty
rash, maybe he is a bit more than bi???
It has nothing to do with your sex life or
how good you are, dont worry about it but
for me (example) Woman have more intuition
for woman and vice-versa. So please don't
feel bad about sex, there is a difference
I find between being with a guy and a
girl, both have their pros and cons.
Maybe he just needs to get it out of his
system?
Maybe sit him down and tell him, I know
you are a bi-sexual, I accept that and
well I want you to figure out what you
want (as in see a man and tell me if that
is the path he wnats to continue with or
with you.) You are acknowledging his fear
but you are also giving him space and time
to make his own decision, which it sounds
like he needs right now.
Another suggestion
Why not try watching gay porn with him,
see how he reacts?
Marriage counselling
I just have a problem with the "closet
bi-sexual" part, trust is a very important
factor of a working relationship so, I
would say something. Don't scream just
sit him down and try to be as understand
as possible, bite your tongue because you
may push him away my dear..
Sorry for the long post
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worrywart01
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 795 Location: ,
Thanks: 66
Thanked:10
Posted: 10-09-08 00:31am
i agree with diamondz
also..to the poster that said she needs to
be more understanding...PLEASE...put
yourself in this womans shoes..she just
found out her husband is bi and could be
gay...and they've been married TEN
YEARS...this isn't something you just get
over and accept, this is something kept
from a marriage...if he questioned his
sexuality AT ALL he should have explored
that ten years ago before proposing to
this woman..bc when he took those vows he
made his choice clearly, whether it be man
or woman i dont care, its still a marriage
and him trying to be with another man is
still cheating in my opinion...your
situation is much different, this seems to
be something the both of you openly
discussed and understood...this woman JUST
found out after ten years of marriage
