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Bisexual Husband

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waytoostressed

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Joined: 02 Jan 2008
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Bisexual Husband
Posted: 01-02-08 14:36pm

I'm new to the forum but today is my 10 year wedding anniversary, however I'm in complete dismay.

This week I found a website my husband has frequented which is a gay porn site for men. I read his profile and it says that he is a "closet bisexual". He has written several posts about him not having encounters with men for 10 years and longing for that.

I had no idea, no indication at all this was going on. He said in his posts he had been lurking since 2004. He has not engaged in any conversations that I could see but his first post was on Christmas Eve 2007 and it said he was looking for "friends and maybe more". Another posts was that he has always been bisexual and he will always keep it a secret and his wife doesn't know.

Here is my dilemma....should I confront him about it? I don't feel like I should unless he "acts" upon his desires. I'm deeply saddend and kinda felt like I'm not satisfying him enough with our relationship. Our sex life is healthy. I know he truly loves me but I feel hurt that he's doing this. Is that ok to feel that way? He made me a wonderful dvd for our anniversary with a song that meant so much to me with words that expresses his love. So I'm in shock that this is happening.

My gut says to leave it alone and not say anything only if I suspect he is "cheating on me". Maybe this is just a fantasy and that's all.

I'm just hurting inside, stressed and I cried all morning about this. Any guidance would be appreciated
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Jude-Love

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Joined: 17 Jun 2007
Posts: 727
Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA

Posted: 01-02-08 22:52pm

If you leave this alone, you are leaving the door open for him to engage in an extramarital affair. You are lucky. You have caught wind of this problem before it's escalated into something that could really end your marriage.

Confront him with it. Then maybe you should look into marriage counseling. If he does love you, he'll be able to give up the possibility of ever being with another person again because that is what marriage is about.
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Fru69

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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
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Posted: 10-04-08 16:40pm

My ex boyfriend told me he was bisexual, i know exsactly what you mean about being hurt and feeling like your not satisfying him feeling that is totally normal. I think your right to only bring it up if it becomes an obvious problem.
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worrywart01

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Posted: 10-05-08 02:34am

this is something huge to hide for ten years...and honestly whether it be man or woman the fact that he's "looking for a friend and maybe more" should not be ok..put it this way..how would you feel if you found out he was on a dating site looking for another female? that certainly wouldn't be ok..and i dont think that just because its a man that it should be ok...honestly i would bring it up,you've been married ten years...this is something that needs to be discussed...i know i would'nt be able to put it behind me if it wasn't discussed...but thats just how i am..i think in a marriage everything needs to be openly discussed
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FallenKitty

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Posted: 10-05-08 08:50am

he's obviously not comfortable with anyone knowing he's bi
i know how that is and so does my fiance
no one wants to be judged on that
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worrywart01

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Posted: 10-06-08 00:09am

bi or not...he made the decision to be with this woman when he got married, so if he's bi..then thats something he'll just have to learn to suppress bc just bc he is looking for a man does not mean its ok..its still cheating...
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FallenKitty

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Posted: 10-06-08 01:43am

it would help if she was more understanding of his needs to satisfy his urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have needs outside of each other

relationships take compromise and sacrifice
as well as communication
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diamondsz

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Posted: 10-06-08 08:13am

FallenKitty wrote:
it would help if she was more understanding of his needs to satisfy his urges
I'm marrying a bisexual guy
and I'm bisexual myself
and we perfectly understand that we have needs outside of each other

relationships take compromise and sacrifice
as well as communication


What the point of a relationship, if its going to be open?

Her condition is different, she is in a monogamous marriage my dear...

I told my (ex hubby) when we were together I was bi-sexual, he offered me to go out with other woman and I refused, I didn't have the balls to cheat. Now the fact that he never told you, I think is pretty rash, maybe he is a bit more than bi???

It has nothing to do with your sex life or how good you are, dont worry about it but for me (example) Woman have more intuition for woman and vice-versa. So please don't feel bad about sex, there is a difference I find between being with a guy and a girl, both have their pros and cons.

Maybe he just needs to get it out of his system?

Maybe sit him down and tell him, I know you are a bi-sexual, I accept that and well I want you to figure out what you want (as in see a man and tell me if that is the path he wnats to continue with or with you.) You are acknowledging his fear but you are also giving him space and time to make his own decision, which it sounds like he needs right now.

Another suggestion
Why not try watching gay porn with him, see how he reacts?
Marriage counselling

I just have a problem with the "closet bi-sexual" part, trust is a very important factor of a working relationship so, I would say something. Don't scream just sit him down and try to be as understand as possible, bite your tongue because you may push him away my dear..

Sorry for the long post
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worrywart01

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Posted: 10-09-08 00:31am

i agree with diamondz

also..to the poster that said she needs to be more understanding...PLEASE...put yourself in this womans shoes..she just found out her husband is bi and could be gay...and they've been married TEN YEARS...this isn't something you just get over and accept, this is something kept from a marriage...if he questioned his sexuality AT ALL he should have explored that ten years ago before proposing to this woman..bc when he took those vows he made his choice clearly, whether it be man or woman i dont care, its still a marriage and him trying to be with another man is still cheating in my opinion...your situation is much different, this seems to be something the both of you openly discussed and understood...this woman JUST found out after ten years of marriage
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