Here we go again...
Hello, I'm 21yrs old and I've been diagnosed a little over a month ago. This was my 2nd mental eval. and they've come to the same conclusion as previously determined. In total, I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia a total of 3times. I don't believe it. This is a huge disappointment, not in myself, but in the mental health industry. There's no way I have schizophrenia and if I do, then the so-called mental illness front... is what it is! It's a facade for pill pushers and Big Pharma's the most powerful druglord of all time. One of the greatest deceptions of all! It's not true. It's not...
I've read everything that I could get my hands on and let me tell you... Schizophrenia lacks information. It's a completely vague illness. No one knows what it is and all they do is fill texts up with symptoms and personal experiences...and theories. The best explanation came from the psychiatrist, who said: "it's a name that represents a variety of different symptoms, with different combinations of those symptoms and to varying degrees in severity"... That's about all he said. Great! The knowledge just poured out of him. Really!
I've tried the pills (Risperdal - low dose)! Hahaha, what a joke.
I'm life is cr@p - there's a whole slew of different reasons for this - and so when I took those pills, I don't believe that I've ever felt the most urgent need to kill myself more then I did, after a few days of use... The sadness alone was unbearable and it gave me intense realizations of how pathetic my life's become.
There are other causes and explainable symptoms and BLAH!!!BLAH!!! I'm so sick of this ****!
A few months ago, I registered under a diff. username and dedicated a few pages work of experiences, family history, my theories, and so on. It was a complete waste of time and the replies were unhelpful. I vowed that I'd never stoop to posting my feeling on a forum ever again (no offense, it's just I should getting an educations and being social. Things have totally changed! I've got almost no friends and I hardly ever leave the house. I only go for walks at night...). Well, I'm back and this time I'm certified. Goddammit...
I probably shouldn't say this, but a few months back, when I was drinking. I'd get thoughts / or fantasies of killing...homicide. I was totally disgusted with myself. That's not me and if you ever met me, you'd probably think, that I was the boy-next-door type: handsome, tall, nice teeth... And I am. That is, I'm a nice guy by nature. It's just I've changed, sometimes it seems that I changed drastically. It's just not fair. because of these occasional thoughts (not so much anymore) I'm beginning to despise myself. When I was drinking heavily and on my lonesome, I almost killed a cat. I was drunk and it came up to me. It was so friendly and I, I just got the sudden urge to kill it. So, I pick it up and took it to a dark location nearby. I sat down and... (medical question, why am I writing this. I'm shaking like crazy) ...and took its head and started twisting. I must have applied as much pressure as possible... Nothing, THANK GOD. I guess the cat was in shock, because it wasn't moving. However, when I laied it down beside me. It quickly regained consciousness and sorta hopped in an odd way. Away it went. At this time, I became increasingly said and I started looking for the cat to make sure that it was OK. I wanted to pet it. I think I was very close to killing myself that day. It's just, I can't. I can never go all the way. I have hope and it's weird cause I feel like my mind is making me contemplate these pure evil things, because I guess I want to lose that hope and kill myself, but I'm scared. So, I suppose that, that maybe why.
Just remember, I was drunk. It's no excuse, though. I think this is why I become so paranoid at times. I'm such a good guy (or I used to be) and yet, I feel like I'm capable of horrible things. There's no ways I'd ever tell my doctor about these, because I'll sure that they'd lock me up. Fry my brain... That's what I would do if I heard s**t like this.
It's COMPLETE MADNESS!
A few years ago, I returned an old ladies change bag. She was coming towards my direction on the side walk, when suddenly something slipped out of her purse or pocket. Anyways, she ended up having about a hundred dollars in there. I was in need of cash, but I did the right thing: I turned around, ran after her and gave her back the change bag. Heh, she didn't even thank me! So, I'm not so bad. I've always been a niceguy, even though my mentally ill father used to abuse me - physically and emotionally. Oh and mentally, because he would make me listen to his delusions. Where was my mom? with my sister, at home. While I was forced to go to my dad's work after school. I guess me and my sis were too much of a handful for mother dearest. The most annoying thing, is that they deny the abuse and the ...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..
When I first made this acc. today. I was under the impression that I'd write a few lines and post a website...WOW!
Anyways, I'm really messed up now, so...
Here's the URL:
http://www.mbowden.surf3.net/schizoweb.htm
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for wasting your time and ...place on earth...heh...