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Feeling Down

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I know this isn't extreme depression, but I am feeling really low tonight and I guess I just need somewhere to write about it.

I am visiting my parents for the holidays. Mike and I are apart, and this will be the longest we have been apart since we've moved in together and I miss him so bad. I can't sleep.

Being at my parents house brings back so many bad memories. Abuse. Molestation. Watching my father fall into drugs and alcoholism. Ambulances. Cops. Everything. I used to cut myself pretty severely. I haven't done it in over two years now, but whenever I am here the urges just rise and rise. Being away from this home is healthy for me, but being thrown back in it, especially at the holidays, is killing my soul.

Tomorrow my parents and I are heading four hours away to be at my grandparents house. My grandmother has sever alzheimers, and my grandfather is very depressed. I want to bring cheer to him and joy to her, but its so hard when she doesn't even remember me and when he isn't with it at all. Christmas is very depressing in general there. Two years ago, my cousin killed himself on Christmas Eve leaving his pregnant (with second child) wife and baby daughter behind. This was next door to my grandparents house. In the room I stay at where I am visiting, my mom's sister killed herself many years ago. They kept the room just the way it is when she lived there, so the room is just depressing. Whenever I go there, I feel like I am surrounded by destruction and just depressing things.

I usually go to Mike to cheer me up, but having him away for so long over the holidays is killing me.

With that aside, I've been feeling a lot of stress from college. I've been doing fine, but I feel like it is never ending and I fear that I am getting into something that I hate. I know I can always change careers, but I feel lost no matter what I think I want to do.

I've been feeling antisocial lately, not wanting to see any of my friends, yet I feel like I need people more than ever. However, when I am with people I just feel lost and want to get away.

The only thing I feel really happy with in life right now is Mike. I know I am very blessed and lucky to have such a loving, caring man in my life, but I just wish I would stop feeling so low.
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replied December 24th, 2007
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hey huney

im so sorry your haveing holliday blues
i cant wait til you get to go back HOME to your home with mike and you can fall asleep with him again
when are you going home?

i know how you feel about the bad memories. sometimes it happens to me to just by driving down an old street. or going into a store or a restraunt i used to go to.

its hard NOT to feel low this time of year. its really hard. i think about my family and how things used to be back then on christmas and how it will never be the same. ever again. and i just want to CRY because of it

hang in there babe. its almost over Sad
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replied December 24th, 2007
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Thanks hun.

We are both going home on the 27th, so 3 more nights. It's going to be a long 3 nights. When I have brought it up to a few people, they basically gave me the response of "suck it up its only 3 more nights". That seems like such an eternity to me.

I really want to feel excited and good and happy about the holidays, but it's killing me.
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replied December 24th, 2007
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oh gosh your freaking strong because i could not do that
infact ive been feeling so sad lately
travis is talking about wanting to move to houston for a year to get his electrician licence Sad and i really DONT want to go at all. id be miserable there. but he REALLY wants to get this job. they offered to start him at 12.50 an hour and then time and a half if he would work weekends Sad
i dont wanna stop him from doing what he wants but i cant even IMAGINE him being gone that long. and sleeping without me. and leaving me here Sad

ugh
sucks lol
i try not to think about it too much.
i know its hard for you to just NOT think about it
three days does seem like a longgg time when your away from someone you love
expecially when your in a place and a position like youre in where your not even remotely happy where you are Sad

im so sorry
all i can say is im here for you
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replied December 24th, 2007
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That's really rough Sad I'm sorry to hear that.
Hopefully for the sake of you and Kristen he will think about staying around a little bit more before heading off to get his electrician license. It is good that he wants to get something to help him along with his career, but rough that you guys would have to move to a place you hate (especially with a young daughter).

Mike and I actually used to argue for quite awhile about where we'd live before we moved in together. I lived in PA, and he lived 5 hours from my house in CT. He didn't want to leave his state, and I didn't want to leave mine.

We compromised and met in the middle, in NYC. We are both pretty happy there luckily, so I think we made the right decision of a place to go. It's pretty much in the middle of our two towns, so if we ever miss our parents we can get home within a few hours to see them (although we usually visit together, not alone like we are this Christmas :/)

Christmas day is going to hurt the most I think. It's my first day at my grandparents house, so I have to deal with my altzheimers grandma, depressed grandpa, freaky bedroom where people kill themselves, and just the crappy area itself (nearest store is 20 min away, they don't have a shower...only a bath tub, they don't have cable, they don't have internet, they JUST got cellphone signal last year) all by myself.

Not having the internet, I won't even have that way to keep in touch with him. I'll feel so lost and so far away.

I dunno
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replied December 24th, 2007
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yeah Sad he wants to do the job for the money
after 2 yrs of getting his licence and being an apprentice he would start makeing 16 bucks an hour
and hes not even 18 yet
so that great money
but its not where i want to be. my family and my life has always been HERE. i feel selfish for doing that
but i dont know what else to do. i would not be happy there at all. id be so miserable Sad

why are you spending this christmas alone? was he not able to go with you or something?

i wish i had something to say about going to your grandparents house Sad
i guess the way i would try and look at it is to be as positive as possible because they wont be here forever Sad and so spending time with them now will make alot of difference in thier lives and yours too. i dont know how close you are to them. but i know i feel bad because my grandparents dont have forever or much longer to live and i dont ever even call them Sad

no internet and no cable really sucks. it doesnt give you much to do. maybe you can bring a journal with you and write or something? write notes to mike telling him how you feel and how much you miss him. you could even go pick up a really nice diary or canvas journal and write in it to help pass time and then when you both go home you could give it to hima s a gift.
just an idea Smile
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replied December 24th, 2007
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We had to spend it apart because Christmas is really important to both our families. I have to go to my grandparents because its the only time I ever see them out of the year, and he has to be with his family because he feels like its the right thing to do.

I totally understand it, but it sucks.

He sees how much its tearing me apart, so next year we are going to try to make it so we are apart on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but then he rents a car (we don't own a car because it would cost 300 dollars a month to park it in the city which isn't worth it for us when we can just take the subway or bus most places) and comes to my parents house Christmas night. We'd stay together here that night, and the next day drive to my grandparents house and visit them and then go back home together.

That way we'd only have to be apart one night, which would be MUCH more comforting.

I know what you mean about being miserable when moving away. I was really scared of that when we moved to NY, because I lived in my house in PA all my life before moving in with him. I was afraid of losing every friend I ever made and of missing my family so much.

I know you know how that feels to an extent since you moved away from your parents and sister when you decided to live with Travis. It can be really hard.

Luckily, I worked through it. We made new friends in NY (although not a lot. not nearly the friends I used to have), and I found out that the true friends who cared for me would try to make efforts to come up and visit us.

I feel bad for you if you guys do have to move for that though, especially if its for just a year. When you finally felt settled in somewhere new and got some new good friends it would probably be time to move again Sad

Although, with each other and Kristen, I'm sure you could make it through. I really hope things work out for you though.

I do want to be excited to see my grandparents and happy to spend time with them since they won't be around for long, but I can't help but feel so sad and weird when I am there. I almost feel like I am outside of the family watching their life as a tv show or something, only realization hits and I remember its my life I'm living, and they really are like this.

Writing Mike notes sounds like a good idea. I've actually been keeping a journal he doesn't know about in Microsoft word (its like 40 pages now haha) about everything we have been doing together and the things we go through, both good and bad. I've been doing it for well over a year now, so it has a lot of our relationship in it (although not all of it). I'm thinking about giving it to him one day, maybe after engagement or marriage or something, as kind of a gift and a memory of our story.
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replied December 24th, 2007
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that sounds like such an awsome present! if he likes to read then hed really like that
i just figure it might help pass the time

this has gotta be hard on you. im so sorry that you have to be away for so long
hopefully next year on christmas things will be easier on you

ouch 300 bucks a month to park a car? thats insane1 its free here Laughing
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replied December 24th, 2007
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Yeah. Technically there is "free" parking around, but by free they mean "you can park here IF you can find a spot, and we clean the street 3 days a week at one point between 11-2, so if you aren't here 3 times a week for 3 hours at that time each day to move your car you get fined 100 bucks". Since I'm a full time college student and a nanny, I'm never really around during those hours. Since he works full time, neither is he, so our only option would be to put the car in a parking garage. They range from about 300-500 a month here.

It's cheaper and more convenient for us to just rent a car if we are going somewhere far away or really need it. It can be ridiculous living here sometimes (speak of ridiculous, our apartment is falling apart. We are getting a new one in july because our landlord/superintendent doesnt listen to us at all. The other day our shower head fell off. completely. rusted off and the metal snapped. Now the bathtub fills up in like 5 minutes and the shower shoots like a hose everywhere.

We called him.
No answer.
Call call call.
Finally answers. Says he will come Thursday.
Well....lets just say its Tuesday, and its STILL not fixed.

Also, our sink leaks and molds because of the leak. We had to tape up the cabinet because the cat kept getting in and the mold is so bad for him. He WONT COME AND FIX THINGS. I don't know what to do about it. I'm thinking about just hiring a plumber to do it since he obviously won't do anything.

It's so frusterating it makes me wanna cry)
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replied December 24th, 2007
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i herd rent is outrageous there
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replied December 24th, 2007
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We pay 733 a month a piece (but its okay. my nanny job brings in 16-20 an hour depending on dash's mom's mood, so even though its part time I make more than enough, and his job doesn't bring in as much as mine but he works full time so we can both make rent and have extra to put into our savings).

We won't live here for the rest of our lives. We will probably move when we decide to have kids so we can afford them better, but for now its really fun. We are in the heart of things and are able to go so many places and do so many things living here.
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replied December 24th, 2007
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id love to visit nyc! infact i think next summer me and travis are going to go Smile
wow rent IS expensive lol
here the houses are about 500,000 to a few million so rent every month is between 1200- 5000 a month for a house
apartments are like 800-900 a month for a nice place but you can get an ok apt in an ok neighborhood for 600 if your lucky
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replied December 24th, 2007
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Yeah, our rent is actually considered cheap for our location too :/

If you do end up visiting nyc you should give us a call (keep in touch, I can PM you my number) and visit us!
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replied December 24th, 2007
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definately!!!!! i definatly want to visit for a few days Smile it seems like an awsome place! plus i love shopping lol
you guys have all of the awsome stores like coach and stuff Smile
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replied December 24th, 2007
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Fifth avenue has a lot of really nice (but expensive) stores. If you didn't want to dish out the money for a hotel and wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor/couch, you could feel free to crash at our place.

I always love it when people visit since I don't have too many friends here. haha.
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replied December 24th, 2007
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yeah! awsome!!!!!! you have to show me around the town lol
it wont be this comming up summer but most liklely next summer Very Happy



i would love to go to times square
i love people i love crowds and i love shopping
LOL i BELONG in newyork!
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replied December 25th, 2007
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Definitely I'd love to show you around. Times Square is really pretty at night. You'd love shopping. The stores are HUGE. There are some that are like 10 floors.

In other news, I had a horrible nights sleep. I slept probably 4 hours total, and I had nightmares. Few more hours till I head to the grandparents..sigh.
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replied December 25th, 2007
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Uggh. I feel really really down. I am posting from my phone right now.

Its been hell here. My grandma does not remember my name. My grandpa is so depressed and angry and yells at her. She came to me crying and saying how bill(her husband) thinks she's ugly, and then she backed away and cried harder cause she thought I was a stranger.

Mike is out seeing his friends so I can't really call him for support until tomorrow (I feel weird talking about this with his friends around esp since he rarely sees them since we've moved).

I feel so so so down. I just want to cry and I try to breathe and I feel so lost and I don't know where to go or what to do.

I can't believe I still have 2 more days here after today.
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