So...yeah. I guess I'm depressed... I had a lot of issues arise in my family, ya know the normal whole breaking up and drug growing kind, but ya know, that's the American way I guess. And all this after years of family turmoil and just feeling crappy and having to deal with molestation from like, when I was 5. But ya know, it happens (sarcasm sarcasm). Sad thing is I knew this affected me greatly in some subconscious way with dealing with the whole sex thing which is why I didn't have it when I was a teenager.

So for all of college (that's when all this family crap finally came to ahead) I didn't really allow myself to dwell to much on it. It would distract me from my school work and at that time I had nothing but my work. Just work work work.

So I went to school, even started talking to the counselor and got a little better. I even had my first real boyfriend and he helped me come out of some horrible shell I put myself into. So things were kinda okay for a little bit... I was still depressed, but then would come out of it. Then freak out at the boyfriend and not want to see him for about 2 weeks. Then get better, then get back together, then get bored and so on and so on....

Basically I don't really think I've ever had a month of stability. And I was okay with that cause I didn't want to be on drugs, I didn't want to find the time to find a doctor... So I just dealt with it.

Finally when I felt strong enough I broke up with the boyfriend for good. I just wanted to do different things, and he was happy where he was along with all his buddies. I want to feel free, but I seem to be the only person really holding me back.

Well I graduated college (first in my family), was single for a while, looking for jobs, finally got one in my field and was pretty happy, but still stressed out.

So months go by, with a couple of sexual relapses with the ex, and I find myself becoming more and more bored and hostile and I guess just more angry. I thought that was good, it meant I wasn't feeling so depressed.
Well I finally get romantically involved with a co-worker who was 10 years older than me, and things were going pretty good for like a couple of weeks. And then things just started getting bad....sigh*


Okay, so sum up a whole bunch of crap, here it is.

The co-worker and I broke up because he was very demanding on me. He wanted to have lots of sex, and I didn't. we came to a compromise which still put demand on me cause then I would have to explain myself as to why i wanted or didn't want to have intimacy. I needed my own space, he wanted to know why. It kinda turns out he really started to freak me out and even though he tried to smooth it over with us, I knew in my gut it was a bad idea... Only problem is we have to see each other at our high stress job every day cause we both work in the same room... Right next to each other.. And boy does he let me know he isn't happy... I mean, during his talk to me on trying to smooth things over, he mentions how about 10 years ago he had such great chemistry with a chick that he had a hard on so big he couldn't even walk...

.... yeah. i picked a real winner.

So now I have to deal with him at work, my own feelings of being retarded with intimacy and relationships, knowing that i'm not happy and depressed, and I still have moments where I miss him, and then I dislike him greatly, and I hold myself back from going out and don't have friends to go out with and guh...


I have nothing but stress right now. I have no ones hand cause I can't do it for extended periods of time. I don't go out cause I have noone to go out with, I still live with my mother, can't find an apartment right now, and I feel like i'm broken. I feel so unstable. I cry alot now and it really really sucks.


... So I'm looking for a thearapist, but I'm getting the run around at this one joint. I wanted to see someone with an actual degree, but the only person they can give me is just someone with a LCSW which means licensed social worker....

I just feel that everything of importance or major, like me trying to find help, is just hitting pot hole after pot hole.

so yeah... crap.