Addiction, Recovery Forum - I Think My Fiancee Is An Alcoholic

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Q: I Think My Fiancee Is An Alcoholic

asked by: Tinribs on April 19th, 2004

New User

Hi all

i think my fiancee is an alcoholic but i'm not sure. I can give you today's example: he went out last night for a drink but had agreed to be at my house for 1pm so that he, my son & I could go out for a bar meal.

At 2.30pm I was worried sick, as he's not normally late, & phoned his friend to ask if he would go round to my partner's home & check to see if he was there & well. He called at 2.45pm to say that he had been up but had fallen asleep & appologised. He said he'd be at mine in 45mins. Which he was but when he arrived (by car) he absolutely stunk of alcohol. Had he been stopped on the road I have no doubt he would have failed a breath test. Even when he kissed me good night at 11.30 this evening I could still smell the alcohol on his breath. He must have consumed a huge amount of alcohol last night.

We have fallen out over this before & he has to my knowledge driven over the limit at least 3 times before.

I feel ashamed to tell you that this is my partner. I do not understand how a 51 year old man who holds & responsible job, is caring & considerate when sober; is the good samaritan that will literally cross the road to help you turns into a wreckless irresponsible fool when drunk!

I have told him before that I think he is an alcoholic, he denies this (as do alcoholics) & argues that he is a heavy drinker.

I am thinking of calling off the wedding before we have even officially announced the engagement as I do not want to marry an alcoholic. My father is an alcoholic & I haven't spoken to him for 9 years. I'm keeping it that way.

But I feel really torn over this issue & some friendly advice would be appreciated.

Replies(8)

sandyallen

replied on April 19th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Alchoholics

I understand, most alchoholics are in denial, I was married to one and I also tended bar, their are classes you can go to and try to learn to live with one. I feel it is a disease, an addiction just like smoking, a lot of them don't wake up until it is too late, I had my time when I drank too much but I woke up I sure didn't want to black out while drinking and driving and end up hurting or killing someone, I could not live with myself plus I had seen a lot of people die with serosis(sp) of the liver it is a horrible way to die! I have learned after 3 marriages, I am on my 4th now that you can't change people! I am not saying to split up with him, that is your choice but I know that it is hard to see someone that you love fall apart!
I hope the very best for you all!
Sincerely,
sandy

junem

replied on July 1st, 2004

New User

It is not uncommon for adult children of alcoholics to attract alcoholics. It is the co-dependency that attracts us. You should investigate al-non. You might also want to ask yourself if you want to be married to a "heavy drinker". (alcoholism aside) I hope you don't get into a vehicle with him when he has been drinking.

IceAgent

replied on August 5th, 2004

New User

I suggest trying an al-anon meeting.

You may find peace, acceptance and someone who knows exactly what you are going through!! Just like I did.

If you don't like the first group you try, go to a different group. Nothin to lose in trying it....Sanity to gain.

Take care!

nrthrngrl

replied on November 4th, 2004

New User

Alcoholism

Alcoholism is defined by the consumption of alcoholic beverages at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and social, family, or occupational responsibilities. Alcoholism is a substance use disorder and should be treated as such. It would seem that the situation you've described is a repetitive one. The best thing you can do for your "significant other" is suggest some type of treatment. The worst thing you could do is to do nothing. By doing nothing you are enabling him to continue his self- destructive behavior. It's not healthy for you or for him. He first has to admit that he has a problem and then acknowledge that he indeed needs help for that problem. If he isn't able to take that first step it's pretty much out of your hands.

eurogal

replied on February 4th, 2005

New User

Don't Do It!!

I married a heavy drinker who said that he would give it up. I was stupid enough to believe him. Your guy sounds like mine. He has had 3 dui in the time i've known him. He has gone to rehab, was clean 18 months and is now drinking again. I don't care that it is a disease. His alcoholism will make you miserable. Mine says he doesn't drink but comes home reeking of beer, he is emotionally abusive, and on top of all of this, he is on two medications that say that use w/ alcohol will cause liver failure.
He also has degenerative hip disease from all his alcohol. Mine is slowly dying and I must admit that I can't wait. Alcoholics love their liquor first! If you enter into marriage with him you will hate life! He will only get worse. He won't get better if he loves you, he loves liquor first.

djajt

replied on August 28th, 2005

New User

I'm an alcoholic, I just am having a reallllllly hard time stopping because I have panic attacks and when I have a drink it calms me. I don't know what to do. I have also had a dui (never even had a speeding ticket in my life!) so I don't drive anymore and am pretty much agoraphobic. This has been going on for about 2 years now and I have quit a few times but I keep falling off the wagon. Everytime I quit I go through bad bad bad depression. I have meds to calm the panic but I just can't seem to stop the margaritas. I don't know what to do.

shadowalker164

replied on August 29th, 2005

Experienced User

I also had panic attacks, but as a man I couldn’t tell anyone about them. I just thought I was going crazy. I never had them before, they just started one day. I think I have figured out what they were all about (by the way, I don’t have them anymore).
I was projecting. I was imagining what the next week held in store for me if I kept living like I was, and it wasn’t pretty. I had been drinking nonstop from the time I opened my eyes until I passed out, and things were starting to get real bad. Then I would imagine (project) what things would be like in a month, then what they would be like in a year living like I was living. I was scared.

I stumbled into my first aa meeting in october of 1998. I haven’t had a sufficiently strong desire to pick up a drink sense. The panic attacks have stopped, and my life is livable today.

You asked “i don’t know what to do.” I don’t have all the answers, no one I know does, but what might be a good idea is type “aa meeting in (insert your town here)” in your search engine, find a meeting, and go there. If you don’t want to drive, take a bus. But get there.

The least effective method of getting happy joyous and free, is to try to do it all by ourselves. That just never seems to work worth squat. We get better together, we stay sick alone.

Your friend on the road to the good stuff,

richard

SuziON

replied on September 8th, 2005

New User

Well..

I think it's ovious that he has an alcohol problem and that you'll have to be straight up and honest with him about your concerns as you're father was an alcholic and you know the signs and the affects it will have on you. If you choose to stay with him, it is a disease and will not be an easy fight especially since he will not admit that he has a problem. There are alanon programs for family and loved ones of an alcoholic that you would attend without him and as stated above by other members you may want to join aa's. You also have a choice weither or not you would like to continue your relationship with him, I know that is harsh but in all reality he hasn't been completely honest with you.
Best of luck
suzi

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