hi, i'm 20 and i think i may have schitzophrenia or some other mental illness, social phobia or something. i used to be a happy, bubbly girl with lots of friends and basically enjoyed life. in april i got into drugs, regular canabis smoking, ecstacy every week for about 6 weeks and once acid. over the summer i became obsessed with the idea my boyfriend was giving me something other than pot. i only saw him once every 2 weeks as we lived far apart and the only time i would do any drugs were with him. i know that this was probably paranoia from the pot but it still stuck in my head. at this time i also stopped seeing alot of my friends. i had decided that they wouldn't 'understand' that i did drugs now after returning from uni. one of my friends died at the begginning of summer and my best friend was going to go travelling with her. instead of being there for my friend i got the idea into my head that she was annoyed with me for spending my only free time with my boyfriend so we didn't speak. looking back i think i created these problems as not to deal with my own guilt. i started to worry something was up when i went back to uni in september. i found it hard getting excited about the same things that i used to. my housemateskept asking me what was wrong and i didn't seem the 'same' as when we left in june. what was bothering was my boyfriends' ongoing drug use, he seemed to be doing more and i was still paranoid he was getting me onto something harder. that eventually came out and we broke up. i was sad but kind of relieved. tbh i expected to feel 'normal' as i had nothing to worry about now. and the drugs had pretty much stopped. i realised how quiet i'd become. people would ask me questions and i could barely give one word answers. i just couldn't think of anything to say. it wasn't that i didn't want to speak, my mind was literally blank. i began to worry people would start to dislike me, think me rude and hard to talk to. i just wanted to scream, this isnt me!! i felt like was trapped in my own body. i over heard one of my friends say she thought i was on heroin, this upset me. i told a few ppl that i thought i had depression and apologised for being down. although i didn't particularly feel down, i just had no motivation and like i said, found it hard talking to ppl. one night my housemates and i watched a clockwork orange as one of them had studdied it and suggested it. at one point in the film she rolled a joint for us to smoke. this was when i started to feel weird. i felt like the main character in the film, like i couldnt move and was being forced to watch images on the tv. after that i became convinced that i was in a reality tv show, had cameras watching me and that i was part of some world wide experiment to make me confess that i had done drugs. (from what i'd seen on the tv) the next day i phoned my dad to come and get me from uni (believing he knew why) and that i would be taken to a mental institute. he took me to my mums. i confessed to them both that id done drugs but didn't tell them about what id seen on the tv, and it took me afew days to realise that wasnt actually real. but i was terrified about why id seen it. after this i basically stopped seeing anyone, apart from my mum and brother, who i live with. i eventually told mum what id seen on the tv and she re-assured me that i wasnt crazy and that it was the drugs. ive now pretty much become a recluse. the friends from uni have stopped phoning me as i couldnt tel them what was wrong so didnt speak to them. the friends at i home i avoid as much as possible, as i'm still having problems talking, id rather them not like me than thnk me weird. now i have very mixed emotions and feelings. fear, when the phone rings or door goes that it might be for me, when i have to leave the house, as i might see someone i know. guilt, that i have worried people bt cant do much about it. depression-that i bought all this on myself. i know that i dont think properly. all i do is imagine conversations people have about me, wandering whats happened to me, why i'm being so selfish and cant just 'get a grip'. thats why i prefer to stay in, out of sight out of mind.like i said i feel guilty having worried ppl but know that worry has probably turned to hatred now. ive got butterflies all the time and if i think of something that frightens me, my stomach whirls. i find myself going into a daze very often, and wander how long ive been like that for. i talk to myself in my head, i dont know how to describe this, its like loud thoughts, i wouldnt call them voices because i kno im creating them. although i have had thoughts pop into my head which have almost made me jump, like i wouldnt know why i'd think that. one of the few times ive been out since the incident, i was assuring myself i'd be ok and thought, ''come on, get a grip, WE'LL be fine'' whose we?! and while i lie in bed i try not to think about anything and strange words pop into my head. also if i have had any interaction with anyone i will go over and over it in my head, wishing i'd done it differently or working out what the othe person thought. i dont know if i have scihtzophrenia, as i dont have hallucinations. but summits up! wow i think i'm done! sorry if ive bored ppl, i just needed to get that down.