Bipolar Disorder Forum - Afraid to Be Diagnosed

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Q: Afraid to Be Diagnosed

asked by: ~*Ginger*~ on December 16th, 2007

New User

Hello everyone!!

I normally post to the asthma and allergies forum because I have both but I wanted to post here too Smile

I took some random internet test for depression and it suggested that I may have bipolar disorder and that I need to see a psychologist. Well to be quite honest and not offensive, I did not really know what bipolar was. The only person that I ever read about that was manic depressive was Mike Tyson and I could not pinpoint a similarity between he and I. I know that these tests really need to be evaluated by a doctor...but i started to read more about bipolar disorder and I found so many similarities with my behavior. The manic part I never considered to be a problem because i am happy and strong and energetic, but the depressive part was really bad. Lately however, the manic part has been getting a little worse...maybe it is because i notice it more.

I have always had what i call "episodes" since i was young, but i just thought it was because of the abuse and drama i was enduring. I do not really want to go to a psychologist because i did not have good experiences with them when i was young. I have a high iq (which u will not be able to tell by the grammar and spelling i am using here) and i am considered gifted, and between all of those tests and psychologists asking me questions to test my intelligence and reasoning and the psychologists that were pulling me out of class in elementary school to ask me about the molestation i was experiencing...I think i have had it with them. I mean i am not as bad as when i was a child or a teenager, i used to cut myself and do other things (that i am not saying has anything to do with bipolar), and i do not do those things now....but i will explain what i am going through and if u can tell me what you think, I would appreciate it.

The past two weeks have been particularly bad. The week before last, I was depressed all week and I mean so depressed that i could not even think!! All i was thinking about was suicide and different methods and what would be most effective and what might cause me to live disabled if i make a mistake. And the truth is...I do not want to die!! I have so much to live for, so these thoughts are not even really something that i wanted to think, but it was like i could not stop them. I was thinking maybe my body needed some nutrients to fight off the depression, so i ate foods recommended to fight depression and the suicidal thoughts stopped, but i was still feeling like i wanted to escape somehow. At work i was so quiet...and people were asking me what is wrong with me, but i did not really think anything of it besides depression. Then one night in the week last week...I came up with a great idea about something and it ended my depression. But the next day OMG i was so happy like toooo happy and i could not stop talking. The people at work even started to ignore me...and normally if people are being a little cold i get quiet...but this time i tried to keep quiet and i felt like i was trapped, like i just could not do it...and i kept talking. As if so much talking was not bad enough, the subject matter was crazy!! I was talking about myself, my ex boyfriends, and even talking about all of the guys that find me attractive, and experiences i have had with so many people telling me i am beautiful and following me. I was sooo egotistical. That is not me at all...normally i cringe when men follow me and keep telling me i am beautiful...i even feel threatened! And i NEVER talk about myself or my personal life at work...NEVER! Then when i realised even more that things are not normal...I was crossing the street and walking so slow and I was like so angry and thinking if any of these cars hit me i will fight them. When i reached the other side of the street (safely thank God) i calmed down a little and realised what i was thinking is not normal and a little crazy.

In all fairness i have to say that i have been going through alot lately and people in my family keep talking to me about one of my cousins that molested me the worst when i was younger...and it is bringing back memories and reminding me of the other rapes and molestation i experienced (from different people) up to a few years ago. The anger portion of my emotions could have been prompted by my sister because she is honestly not my biggest fan and we got into an argument on thursday (I started feeling manic on tuesday morning and we got in the argument thursday evening.) Normally in our arguments I try to consider her feelings because i know that she is easily hurt even though she is aggressive with me. But i told her about herself and i said so many things i cannot even remember. And i made her feel so bad she said she feels sick and her stomach is hurting her. She normally does that when people are angry with her so that they will act as if they care about her. And this time, I could not even pretend as if i cared.

Since thursday i have been so crazy. Sometimes shaking my legs soooo much when i am sitting and getting angry with people that are slighting me socially...normally i am so calm and just ignore people when they ignore me...but now it is like i cannot take that. I am finding it hard to focus. and again that traffic thing yesterday morning really made me think something is wrong. I have even been thinking of starting to drink alchohol or even smoke cigars or something (despite my asthma) anything to make me calm...and I do not even drink or smoke!! I am ranting a little, please excuse me, but I need to hear from someone who is experiencing what i think i am experiencing. I talked to my fiance about it and he told me he does not think anything is wrong with me, but i am being reminded of things that hurt me and it is prompting all of these emotions. But even when i was not remembering these things, I still had these extreme ups and extreme downs.

Thank you for reading my rambling...sorry if it was a little incoherent. I need some help and some relief, but i am afraid of being diagnosed with any mental condition because of the stigma attached to it. I look forward to hearing from you. If I caused any offense in my ignorance, please forgive me...I just want to tell you what i am experiencing.

Replies(10)

Georgia59

replied on December 17th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

Hey Ginger, welcome to the board.

First of all, your intelligence and creativity has nothing to do with a possible mental disorder. In fact, many people with depression or bd show more intelligence and creativity!

If your condition is getting in the way of living your life, the best thing to do is to get a diagnosis and get treated. Yes, there can be a stigma, and it's hard. But if you get it treated, things will only get easier for you.
#1- you don't have to tell anyone about your diagnosis if you don't want to. Medical records are highly secure.
#2- If you have a diagnosis, you can get treatment.
#3- Especially if you have suffered abuse in the past, it is really important for you to deal with these issues so you can move past them, especially going into a marriage!
#4- When going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, it can be scary to put your life and health in their hands. But just remember- you are paying them. Take time to find a psychologist you really trust. Shop around, you can usually call them up for a consultation where you just get to know them. Ask about their experience with depression or bipolar disorder, ask about how they would go about with a treatment plan. Studies show that the best treatment for bipolar or depression is often a combination of therapy and medication. (More therapy for depression, more medication for bipolar disorder).

What exactly are you afraid will happen?

Mr_Del

replied on December 17th, 2007

Experienced User

Thanks to TV shows (where the bad guy gets caught) and the news exploiting the fact the criminal has bipolar. This has caused many people to fear one that has it. It may be true that homicidal or suicidal thoughts will go through a BD mind. This does not mean that all BD are stupid enough to act or even entertain the thoughts. Most BD people will keep to themselfs and stay out of trouble.

There are way to many people that will steriotype based on what media has said about a paticular race, religion or mental illness. They will not seek out facts and fear the people that have the same thing that criminal had.

What I am getting to is that if you do have BD then be carfull who you tell. This is not from my built in fears and paranoias, this is from personal experiance. If someone knowing you have BD will not improve or degrade the operation then keep it to yourself. I would wait until you have enough trust in another before it is devoldged. Haveing other people know does help you out. Be carefull who you let know simce most people are closed minded robots that only go on face value of the media.

Of course family should know. Some may deny it, some may fear it and some will accept it and adjust. Everyone is different. The workplace is the worst enviroment because you realy have to watch what is said and discovered. You think you have friends there but you really don't. Coworkers must remain just that. There are rare cases where a true friend will come out of a work place. Most of the time the workplace will look down on you if you have something a crimal mentioned in the news has. You will be surprised how rapidly you will be treated different.

As far as the question, do you have it? Well contact mental health for testing. The ones on the net do not go in depth enough to determine this. You should never self diagnose anything serious. There are to many symptoms that could just be part of something else. The only way to be sure is testing at your mental health doctor. The bigest advantage to that is if you do have BD then you can begin treatment of some sort. Whatch out for those hearbls though. Ive seen to many people go from conventional treatment to herbal then they become unbarable to be arround. They think the herbals are helping but the surrounding people will tell you different. This does run in families and is inherited, this may be a clue to you. It is also the same as as manic depression. The name change was in the 90's or something.

Sad thing is the BD person is the last to see there is a problem. Everyone else can see a problem, not knowing what, long before the BD person sees it themselfs. Iknow this when I thought I could drop the meds after leaving the military. took me 7 months to see for myself I needed to get back on meds. Everyone else had quit associating with me long before that. I thought it was them. Its always everyone else in a BD mind.

Sorry for the length of this.

-Del

~*Ginger*~

replied on December 17th, 2007

New User

Re: Afraid to Be Diagnosed

Hello Georgia,

Thank you for welcoming me to the board and for answering my post.

I will address what you addressed first which is my intelligence and creativity. I am not quite certain how you inferred that I was saying my intelligence and creativity has something to do with my mental disorder. Certainly if I thought that it would prevent me from being bipolar, I would not have posted here, and I would not have even considered the possibility of me being bipolar. My reference to the high intelligence quotient and gifted bit had to do with my unwillingness to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.

When I was young the school board was in the process of instituting a better gifted program in my area. Because my IQ was so high, I spent a lot of time taking various tests and I had weekly and monthly visits with the psychologists. I did not like those experiences because the psychologists were very quick to make judgments about me and did not quite understand my point, just as you did not understand mine. I would try to explain more so that they can understand me, but it would make them all the more arrogant, and they would argue as if they understood me and I did not understand them. All the while they still did not understand my point. I see that you replied to many people, and you probably did not really read what I wrote thoroughly. I cannot really blame you because I was rambling a bit, but I do admire your willingness to help people.

~*Ginger*~ wrote:

I have a high iq (which u will not be able to tell by the grammar and spelling i am using here) and i am considered gifted, and between all of those tests and psychologists asking me questions to test my intelligence and reasoning and the psychologists that were pulling me out of class in elementary school to ask me about the molestation i was experiencing...I think i have had it with them.

At the time that I was seeing the psychologists for my intelligent and gifted nature, I was also seeing psychologists for the molestation I was experiencing. I continued to see psychologists even after I was molested. I have dealt with my issues of abuse and molestation, but as every professional psychologist told me in the past...you can spend years being okay and something will happen to cause you to remember...maybe a smell, maybe words, and you will remember. They told me to allow myself to experience the pain of the memories WHEN they come back, and I have also decided to to have mercy on myself and to live my life.

I really wanted to hear from someone who is suffering from bipolar. I needed to talk to someone who knows what it feels like, who is experiencing what I am experiencing, and who can be empathetic to my situation. I do not need an itemized list of steps or ideas, just someone that can give me guidance with empathy...someone who is living with this.

I know how to deal with my molestation and rapes, but the severe changing of moods...the highs, the lows, the irrational thinking, the incessant talking...it is what was causing me concern. I was identifying the triggers....Maybe I made a mistake in posting here. I apologize if i unwittingly offended anyone or caused inconvenience to anyone. I wish you all and myself the best of mental health and normalcy...God knows I need it.

Mr_Del

replied on December 17th, 2007

Experienced User

Ginger

I see you have a similar problem as I. You words are misunderstood and you missunderstand others intentions. No I am not attacking you. I find it frustrating when it happens to me as well. I just got used to it. Just makeing an observation. But Georgia was just trying to point out that many people with BD and even ADHD have very high intellegence levels. This is very true. But remember one thing. those IQ tests cant test true intellegence just schoolastic intellegence. Edison may have had BD, Don't know his IQ scoring. He didnt finish school but look at all the stuff he made that we still use today.

Take a deep breath and let it out. To reiterate, I am not attacking or talking you down. I do have BD level 1 almost borderline with ADHD. You were looking for something to relate to and I just gave it to you.

-Del

~*Ginger*~

replied on December 17th, 2007

New User

Thank You Del

I was posting while you posted Del. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your reply gave me alot of insight and guidance. Your advice was great and I really liked what you had to say. It was not too lengthy but the perfect reply to my inquiry. I have alot to think about. I really dread going to psychologists, but you are right, it is the only way that I will know. Thanks for the advice on the herbals and the hint on it running in families. Tremendous help!! I cannot thank you enough!!

~*Ginger*~

replied on December 17th, 2007

New User

We did it again Del LOL I was posting while you were.

Mr_Del wrote:

Ginger

But Georgia was just trying to point out that many people with BD and even ADHD have very high intellegence levels. This is very true. But remember one thing. those IQ tests cant test true intellegence just schoolastic intellegence. Edison may have had BD, Don't know his IQ scoring. He didnt finish school but look at all the stuff he made that we still use today.

-Del

Again I appreciate your post...I want to state again that I only mentioned my intelligence because it is one of the things that made me have so much interaction with psychologists and others. I agree with you that "true" intelligence is more than an IQ test, and so did my local school board. My IQ score made me a candidate for the gifted program, but I was evaluated on much more than scholastic intelligence...honestly I really do not like to remember that time in my life. I just wanted to note that my intelligent and gifted nature is not a point of pride to me, just a part of who I am, and much more than a scholastic evaluation. I do not think I know it all, and I do not think it makes me better than anyone else. I also do not think you are attacking me. Thanks for your help and reply Smile

Mr_Del

replied on December 17th, 2007

Experienced User

Just clearing up one thing before im misunderstood. When I mentioned criminals I was not saying all of them have BD. when there is one that does have BD the media, in any form, do not hesitate to emphasise that fact.

-Del

Georgia59

replied on December 18th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

I see what you mean now ginger. I assumed you mean that because you had a high iq and creativity you wouldn't need psychologists, but I get what you meant.

I would agree that you should be careful who you tell (if you do get a diagnosis) and when you do tell people, make sure you provide them with some kind of education so they understand what you are going through. There are some helpful books/articles you can give relatives.

CarolDiane

replied on December 18th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I was in the same boat Ginger. I was diagnosed back in the mid 80s and have kept it a secret untill just this week. I addressed it here in this forum, I told my son and I told my mother for the first time. I felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. Just to know that I have finally come to turns with it not only for myself but my loved ones. I can get very manic at times. Georgia59 is a great sourse of information. Listen to what she says. Along with others that suffer every day with this same disorder. It's like being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. One week you up and the next thing you know your down hill and throwing tandrums all over the flipping place. Medication will help you as the posters have said. Don't live a life of misery when you don't have to.

Carrie

Georgia59

replied on December 18th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

Wow Carrie that must've been hard.

How did your son and mom take it?

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