I normally post to the asthma and
allergies forum because I have both but I
wanted to post here too I took some random
internet test for depression and it
suggested that I may have bipolar disorder
and that I need to see a psychologist.
Well to be quite honest and not offensive,
I did not really know what bipolar was.
The only person that I ever read about
that was manic depressive was Mike Tyson
and I could not pinpoint a similarity
between he and I. I know that these tests
really need to be evaluated by a
doctor...but i started to read more about
bipolar disorder and I found so many
similarities with my behavior. The manic
part I never considered to be a problem
because i am happy and strong and
energetic, but the depressive part was
really bad. Lately however, the manic
part has been getting a little
worse...maybe it is because i notice it
more.
I have always had what i call "episodes"
since i was young, but i just thought it
was because of the abuse and drama i was
enduring. I do not really want to go to a
psychologist because i did not have good
experiences with them when i was young. I
have a high iq (which u will not be able
to tell by the grammar and spelling i am
using here) and i am considered gifted,
and between all of those tests and
psychologists asking me questions to test
my intelligence and reasoning and the
psychologists that were pulling me out of
class in elementary school to ask me about
the molestation i was experiencing...I
think i have had it with them. I mean i
am not as bad as when i was a child or a
teenager, i used to cut myself and do
other things (that i am not saying has
anything to do with bipolar), and i do not
do those things now....but i will explain
what i am going through and if u can tell
me what you think, I would appreciate it.
The past two weeks have been particularly
bad. The week before last, I was
depressed all week and I mean so depressed
that i could not even think!! All i was
thinking about was suicide and different
methods and what would be most effective
and what might cause me to live disabled
if i make a mistake. And the truth is...I
do not want to die!! I have so much to
live for, so these thoughts are not even
really something that i wanted to think,
but it was like i could not stop them. I
was thinking maybe my body needed some
nutrients to fight off the depression, so
i ate foods recommended to fight
depression and the suicidal thoughts
stopped, but i was still feeling like i
wanted to escape somehow. At work i was
so quiet...and people were asking me what
is wrong with me, but i did not really
think anything of it besides depression.
Then one night in the week last week...I
came up with a great idea about something
and it ended my depression. But the next
day OMG i was so happy like toooo happy
and i could not stop talking. The people
at work even started to ignore me...and
normally if people are being a little cold
i get quiet...but this time i tried to
keep quiet and i felt like i was trapped,
like i just could not do it...and i kept
talking. As if so much talking was not
bad enough, the subject matter was crazy!!
I was talking about myself, my ex
boyfriends, and even talking about all of
the guys that find me attractive, and
experiences i have had with so many people
telling me i am beautiful and following
me. I was sooo egotistical. That is not
me at all...normally i cringe when men
follow me and keep telling me i am
beautiful...i even feel threatened! And i
NEVER talk about myself or my personal
life at work...NEVER! Then when i
realised even more that things are not
normal...I was crossing the street and
walking so slow and I was like so angry
and thinking if any of these cars hit me i
will fight them. When i reached the other
side of the street (safely thank God) i
calmed down a little and realised what i
was thinking is not normal and a little
crazy.
In all fairness i have to say that i have
been going through alot lately and people
in my family keep talking to me about one
of my cousins that molested me the worst
when i was younger...and it is bringing
back memories and reminding me of the
other rapes and molestation i experienced
(from different people) up to a few years
ago. The anger portion of my emotions
could have been prompted by my sister
because she is honestly not my biggest fan
and we got into an argument on thursday (I
started feeling manic on tuesday morning
and we got in the argument thursday
evening.) Normally in our arguments I try
to consider her feelings because i know
that she is easily hurt even though she is
aggressive with me. But i told her about
herself and i said so many things i cannot
even remember. And i made her feel so bad
she said she feels sick and her stomach is
hurting her. She normally does that when
people are angry with her so that they
will act as if they care about her. And
this time, I could not even pretend as if
i cared.
Since thursday i have been so crazy.
Sometimes shaking my legs soooo much when
i am sitting and getting angry with people
that are slighting me socially...normally
i am so calm and just ignore people when
they ignore me...but now it is like i
cannot take that. I am finding it hard to
focus. and again that traffic thing
yesterday morning really made me think
something is wrong. I have even been
thinking of starting to drink alchohol or
even smoke cigars or something (despite my
asthma) anything to make me calm...and I
do not even drink or smoke!! I am ranting
a little, please excuse me, but I need to
hear from someone who is experiencing what
i think i am experiencing. I talked to
my fiance about it and he told me he does
not think anything is wrong with me, but i
am being reminded of things that hurt me
and it is prompting all of these emotions.
But even when i was not remembering these
things, I still had these extreme ups and
extreme downs.
Thank you for reading my rambling...sorry
if it was a little incoherent. I need
some help and some relief, but i am afraid
of being diagnosed with any mental
condition because of the stigma attached
to it. I look forward to hearing from
you. If I caused any offense in my
ignorance, please forgive me...I just want
to tell you what i am experiencing.
|
Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 12-17-07 11:14am
Hey Ginger, welcome to the board.
First of all, your intelligence and
creativity has nothing to do with a
possible mental disorder. In fact, many
people with depression or bd show more
intelligence and creativity!
If your condition is getting in the way of
living your life, the best thing to do is
to get a diagnosis and get treated. Yes,
there can be a stigma, and it's hard. But
if you get it treated, things will only
get easier for you.
#1- you don't have to tell anyone about
your diagnosis if you don't want to.
Medical records are highly secure.
#2- If you have a diagnosis, you can get
treatment.
#3- Especially if you have suffered abuse
in the past, it is really important for
you to deal with these issues so you can
move past them, especially going into a
marriage!
#4- When going to see a psychologist or
psychiatrist, it can be scary to put your
life and health in their hands. But just
remember- you are paying them. Take time
to find a psychologist you really trust.
Shop around, you can usually call them up
for a consultation where you just get to
know them. Ask about their experience with
depression or bipolar disorder, ask about
how they would go about with a treatment
plan. Studies show that the best treatment
for bipolar or depression is often a
combination of therapy and medication.
(More therapy for depression, more
medication for bipolar disorder).
What exactly are you afraid will happen?
|
Mr_Del
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2007 Posts: 58
Posted: 12-17-07 19:12pm
Thanks to TV shows (where the bad guy gets
caught) and the news exploiting the fact
the criminal has bipolar. This has caused
many people to fear one that has it. It
may be true that homicidal or suicidal
thoughts will go through a BD mind. This
does not mean that all BD are stupid
enough to act or even entertain the
thoughts. Most BD people will keep to
themselfs and stay out of trouble.
There are way to many people that will
steriotype based on what media has said
about a paticular race, religion or mental
illness. They will not seek out facts and
fear the people that have the same thing
that criminal had.
What I am getting to is that if you do
have BD then be carfull who you tell. This
is not from my built in fears and
paranoias, this is from personal
experiance. If someone knowing you have BD
will not improve or degrade the operation
then keep it to yourself. I would wait
until you have enough trust in another
before it is devoldged. Haveing other
people know does help you out. Be carefull
who you let know simce most people are
closed minded robots that only go on face
value of the media.
Of course family should know. Some may
deny it, some may fear it and some will
accept it and adjust. Everyone is
different. The workplace is the worst
enviroment because you realy have to watch
what is said and discovered. You think you
have friends there but you really don't.
Coworkers must remain just that. There are
rare cases where a true friend will come
out of a work place. Most of the time the
workplace will look down on you if you
have something a crimal mentioned in the
news has. You will be surprised how
rapidly you will be treated different.
As far as the question, do you have it?
Well contact mental health for testing.
The ones on the net do not go in depth
enough to determine this. You should never
self diagnose anything serious. There are
to many symptoms that could just be part
of something else. The only way to be sure
is testing at your mental health doctor.
The bigest advantage to that is if you do
have BD then you can begin treatment of
some sort. Whatch out for those hearbls
though. Ive seen to many people go from
conventional treatment to herbal then they
become unbarable to be arround. They think
the herbals are helping but the
surrounding people will tell you
different. This does run in families and
is inherited, this may be a clue to you.
It is also the same as as manic
depression. The name change was in the
90's or something.
Sad thing is the BD person is the last to
see there is a problem. Everyone else can
see a problem, not knowing what, long
before the BD person sees it themselfs.
Iknow this when I thought I could drop the
meds after leaving the military. took me 7
months to see for myself I needed to get
back on meds. Everyone else had quit
associating with me long before that. I
thought it was them. Its always everyone
else in a BD mind.
Sorry for the length of this.
-Del
|
~*Ginger*~
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 9 Location: ,
Re: Afraid to Be Diagnosed Posted: 12-17-07 19:21pm
Hello Georgia,
Thank you for welcoming me to the board
and for answering my post.
I will address what you addressed first
which is my intelligence and creativity.
I am not quite certain how you inferred
that I was saying my intelligence and
creativity has something to do with my
mental disorder. Certainly if I thought
that it would prevent me from being
bipolar, I would not have posted here, and
I would not have even considered the
possibility of me being bipolar. My
reference to the high intelligence
quotient and gifted bit had to do with my
unwillingness to see a psychologist or
psychiatrist.
When I was young the school board was in
the process of instituting a better gifted
program in my area. Because my IQ was so
high, I spent a lot of time taking various
tests and I had weekly and monthly visits
with the psychologists. I did not like
those experiences because the
psychologists were very quick to make
judgments about me and did not quite
understand my point, just as you did not
understand mine. I would try to explain
more so that they can understand me, but
it would make them all the more arrogant,
and they would argue as if they understood
me and I did not understand them. All the
while they still did not understand my
point. I see that you replied to many
people, and you probably did not really
read what I wrote thoroughly. I cannot
really blame you because I was rambling a
bit, but I do admire your willingness to
help people.
~*Ginger*~
wrote:
I have a high iq (which u
will not be able to tell by the grammar
and spelling i am using here) and i am
considered gifted, and between all of
those tests and psychologists asking me
questions to test my intelligence and
reasoning and the psychologists that were
pulling me out of class in elementary
school to ask me about the molestation i
was experiencing...I think i have had it
with them.
At the time that I was seeing the
psychologists for my intelligent and
gifted nature, I was also seeing
psychologists for the molestation I was
experiencing. I continued to see
psychologists even after I was molested.
I have dealt with my issues of abuse and
molestation, but as every professional
psychologist told me in the past...you can
spend years being okay and something will
happen to cause you to remember...maybe a
smell, maybe words, and you will remember.
They told me to allow myself to
experience the pain of the memories WHEN
they come back, and I have also decided to
to have mercy on myself and to live my
life.
I really wanted to hear from someone who
is suffering from bipolar. I needed to
talk to someone who knows what it feels
like, who is experiencing what I am
experiencing, and who can be empathetic to
my situation. I do not need an itemized
list of steps or ideas, just someone that
can give me guidance with
empathy...someone who is living with
this.
I know how to deal with my molestation and
rapes, but the severe changing of
moods...the highs, the lows, the
irrational thinking, the incessant
talking...it is what was causing me
concern. I was identifying the
triggers....Maybe I made a mistake in
posting here. I apologize if i
unwittingly offended anyone or caused
inconvenience to anyone. I wish you all
and myself the best of mental health and
normalcy...God knows I need it.
|
Mr_Del
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2007 Posts: 58
Posted: 12-17-07 19:34pm
Ginger
I see you have a similar problem as I. You
words are misunderstood and you
missunderstand others intentions. No I am
not attacking you. I find it frustrating
when it happens to me as well. I just got
used to it. Just makeing an observation.
But Georgia was just trying to point out
that many people with BD and even ADHD
have very high intellegence levels. This
is very true. But remember one thing.
those IQ tests cant test true intellegence
just schoolastic intellegence. Edison may
have had BD, Don't know his IQ scoring. He
didnt finish school but look at all the
stuff he made that we still use today.
Take a deep breath and let it out. To
reiterate, I am not attacking or talking
you down. I do have BD level 1 almost
borderline with ADHD. You were looking for
something to relate to and I just gave it
to you.
-Del
|
~*Ginger*~
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 9 Location: ,
Thank You Del Posted: 12-17-07 19:40pm
I was posting while you posted Del. Thank
you! Thank you! Thank you! Your reply
gave me alot of insight and guidance.
Your advice was great and I really liked
what you had to say. It was not too
lengthy but the perfect reply to my
inquiry. I have alot to think about. I
really dread going to psychologists, but
you are right, it is the only way that I
will know. Thanks for the advice on the
herbals and the hint on it running in
families. Tremendous help!! I cannot
thank you enough!!
|
~*Ginger*~
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 9 Location: ,
Posted: 12-17-07 20:08pm
We did it again Del LOL I was posting
while you were.
Mr_Del
wrote:
Ginger
But Georgia was just trying to point out
that many people with BD and even ADHD
have very high intellegence levels. This
is very true. But remember one thing.
those IQ tests cant test true intellegence
just schoolastic intellegence. Edison may
have had BD, Don't know his IQ scoring. He
didnt finish school but look at all the
stuff he made that we still use today.
-Del
Again I appreciate your post...I want to
state again that I only mentioned my
intelligence because it is one of the
things that made me have so much
interaction with psychologists and others.
I agree with you that "true"
intelligence is more than an IQ test, and
so did my local school board. My IQ score
made me a candidate for the gifted
program, but I was evaluated on much more
than scholastic intelligence...honestly I
really do not like to remember that time
in my life. I just wanted to note that my
intelligent and gifted nature is not a
point of pride to me, just a part of who I
am, and much more than a scholastic
evaluation. I do not think I know it
all, and I do not think it makes me better
than anyone else. I also do not think you
are attacking me. Thanks for your help
and reply
|
Mr_Del
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2007 Posts: 58
Posted: 12-17-07 23:11pm
Just clearing up one thing before im
misunderstood. When I mentioned criminals
I was not saying all of them have BD. when
there is one that does have BD the media,
in any form, do not hesitate to emphasise
that fact.
-Del
|
Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 12-18-07 13:06pm
I see what you mean now ginger. I assumed
you mean that because you had a high iq
and creativity you wouldn't need
psychologists, but I get what you meant.
I would agree that you should be careful
who you tell (if you do get a diagnosis)
and when you do tell people, make sure you
provide them with some kind of education
so they understand what you are going
through. There are some helpful
books/articles you can give relatives.
|
CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2401
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 12-18-07 14:41pm
I was in the same boat Ginger. I was
diagnosed back in the mid 80s and have
kept it a secret untill just this week. I
addressed it here in this forum, I told my
son and I told my mother for the first
time. I felt like a mountain had been
taken off my shoulders. Just to know that
I have finally come to turns with it not
only for myself but my loved ones. I can
get very manic at times. Georgia59 is a
great sourse of information. Listen to
what she says. Along with others that
suffer every day with this same disorder.
It's like being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde.
One week you up and the next thing you
know your down hill and throwing tandrums
all over the flipping place. Medication
will help you as the posters have said.
Don't live a life of misery when you don't
have to.
Carrie
|
Georgia59
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
I took some random
internet test for depression and it
suggested that I may have bipolar disorder
and that I need to see a psychologist.
Well to be quite honest and not offensive,
I did not really know what bipolar was.
The only person that I ever read about
that was manic depressive was Mike Tyson
and I could not pinpoint a similarity
between he and I. I know that these tests
really need to be evaluated by a
doctor...but i started to read more about
bipolar disorder and I found so many
similarities with my behavior. The manic
part I never considered to be a problem
because i am happy and strong and
energetic, but the depressive part was
really bad. Lately however, the manic
part has been getting a little
worse...maybe it is because i notice it
more.
