I was absolutely shocked to read all of the accounts of people mirroring exactly what I feel. I can't believe that it isn't just me, and cannot believe how similar some of the accounts sounded to my own.
I hate chewing. I hate hearing other people chew, seeing people chew, I don't even want to hear or see myself eating. The blank look in their eyes, or worse: that of concentration. The atrocious expressions that they are entirely unaware of. It's an almost subhuman action and it seems as though no one understands how ridiculous they are acting. I can't ever remember not feeling this way, and it seems impossible to describe. It's almost an ignorance, and arrogance when people look around calmly while eating. A cockiness: "I'm chewing and enjoying this food, you go on with your life and if you hear or see me, I don't care." They try to play off this wretched primitive action as casual, but to me and you it is a BLARING disturbance. It is a DEEP, horrible anger for this ignorance that causes us so much pain. I don't even like to hear the word "chew". It's a babyish debauchery of human capability. "Are you done chewing?" "Chew that all the way." It reminds me of a woman breastfeeding in public. I don't want to see it, you don't need to share it. I know that "people need to eat so get over it" but I DO NOT want to be a part of anyone else's (and if I can see or hear my own) eating.
I have always searched for an answer to this. Those around me notice and have forced me to listen, to stay at the table, to ignore the issue insisting that I have created it. That only makes me angrier. I have tried forcing myself to listen, and ended up in tears. I have tried pretending that the sound is something else, I've tried making it funny, thinking about it on a larger scale ("How incredibly ridiculous for you to think when you have a family and a place to live").
NOTHING ever worked. This was me.
Until I read all of these posts. I thought: What if all of us could come together and say, No.
I wanted to help all of you, because I know what it is and how horrible it has been for all of us. I wished that there was some way.
We could sit at a table together, and understand exactly what happens, what we all feel, and eat together.
What if we could just GET OVER IT, I thought. Wouldn't it be liberating, beautiful? I then thought: there has to be a way. Literally, there has to be a way. I am going to DO IT for the sake of everyone else. If there's a way, DANG IT, I am finding it, for me and for you.
Tonight, like every night, I dreaded dinner. I have eaten at record time and have become the world's most refined excuse maker my entire life. But, as always, I had to sit down.
Corn. Steak. Beans. Sickening. Anger. Blank eyes. Dirty looks shot at me eating rapidly. Exaggerations to make sure I was still listening. That resigned look once one part of the plate was finished, on to the next. I boiled, I writhed, I felt the indescribable tension.
I then imagined someone from this forum sitting next to me. Watching me. Suddenly, every imagined image of all of you appeared around me. You were nodding, you knew how I felt. You were telling me that you had tried everything, that we couldn't win. I then said to myself, I am going to find the way tonight. I don't care how many other things I have tried, I am going to stop this tonight by sheer willpower. I won't let myself give up. For you guys. And I listened to my dad chew. That's right, CHEW. I sat there, with you all, and I heard it. But I didn't hear it like I had before when I forced myself to listen. This time, it was there, but so were all of you, and so was I. I felt a spark of hope, that I could stand it without that horrible anger, but then I felt the anger again. It crept back in, as usual. At that moment, inside, there was a strong person, and then there was this anger. It was no longer about the chewing. It was about me. So I looked the anger in the eye in my mind and destroyed it with strength, one slow, slow moment at a time. I think you can feel this power too. One second at a time it will be a horrible battle, but you have GOT to be the victor, for no one but yourself. Recognize the anger, and remove it by conscious force. Sit there in your own body and physically fight that anger away. Don't take the deep breaths or try to tune it out. Take it on, head on. Invite it in and then crush it to the ground with the truth that there IS a way to get rid of it, one moment at a time.
Tonight I was on the verge of tears at the table, but it was not because I hated the chewing as usual: it was because I had the weapons to remove the horror from my mind. It was not me versus the chewer, it was me versus the anger. I got away from the table and went and sat down on the couch once I was "done enough" eating to leave. Sitting there, I imagined myself stronger than anyone in the world, with everyone here behind me, and decided that if I wished to help everyone on here, I'D HAVE TO PROVE IT BY FIRST HELPING MYSELF. I thought, "If i can beat this RIGHT NOW, maybe someone else can too. It has to be possible, so guess what? For me, for them, I'm doing it for real, I'll even do extra. THAT'S how strong we are. TAKE THAT." I imagined you all watching me, and in my mind at looked at you all and said, try this.
I then got up off the couch, and with strong steps I walked BACK to the table and sat down. I listened to another ear and a half of corn being chewed. I sat there. I challenged this horrible force. And suddenly my heart started to race. I had broken through, I had beaten it. It was there, but I was there ten times as strong.
Tonight was a terrible battle for me, but guess what? It was THE battle I've been afraid to fight my WHOLE life, and with no fancy concepts or reason to make a change RIGHT NOW, I made the change. On this ordinary day, I decided that dang it, this is over, so I can be a strong person. No ceremonies or certain days, it's done NOW by STRENGTH.
I'm a sixteen year old girl. If I can do it, so can you. Try it tomorrow night. For no reason other than that it IS possible if you're strong enough, and YOU ARE. And if you don't feel like it, I'll be there with you. I'm just writing here to say that it is possible. Before tonight, I wasn't sure it was, but it is. There IS an answer, we CAN do it. It's about proving it to everyone else here that you can do it too, so get out there and try it.