Depression Forum - I Hate Myself. I Contemplate Suicide a Lot.

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Q: I Hate Myself. I Contemplate Suicide a Lot.

asked by: sav on December 12th, 2007

New User

Hi people,

I think I should start off with an introduction.

I'm Sav. I'm 17. Oh, and I hate myself. In every single way.

I find myself to be hideously ugly, as has been confirmed by previous 'friends', I also think about ways to kill myself quite frequently, although I get scared when I think about going through with it.

I avoid mirrors at all costs, and even when I'm sitting in the bus or in the train I avoid making any eye contact with anybody else, because I know that if I see their pitiful stares I'll break down.

I cry a lot. Not because I'm bitter about the ugly hand I've been dealt, but at what being ugly represents these days. Where every single advert you see has some kind of beautiful specimen on it. It hurts because we're conditioned that way. I couldn't be further away from beauty if I tried.

I put on a confident front to mask the real me; a crumbling, self-loathing, disgusting excuse of a person.

I've never spoken to anybody about this, but I'd like to, but I don't want people to know that I feel this way, and therefore am scared to arrange it.

Nobody's ever been attracted to me. Even when I was in high school, everyone had their admirers. Everybody's friends were telling them who fancied them. I never had that. Nobody ever notices me, and if they do, it's probably because they want to run to the nearest toilet and throw up. Or pull their eyeballs out.

Probably something like that.

I was looking at the ceilings today, wondering if they'd be able to support a metal bar to tie a noose to.

I just want to end this misery and pain, because I hate myself so much.

And it hurts too much.

Replies(12)

Jules

replied on December 12th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I'm no expert but try googling 'body dysmorphic disorder' and see if that fits you...

sav

replied on December 12th, 2007

New User

I just read the Wikipedia page and it does seem to detail a lot of what I feel.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything though, because I don't have the guts to speak to someone.

I just hate myself so much. I'm a repulsive, disgusting excuse of a human being.

I feel like I'm burdening people when I talk to them. I feel apologetic that my friends have to be seen with me.

I feel like I'm worth nobody's time. There are so many better people they could be spending their time with. I'm just crap.

Fairy Godmother

replied on December 12th, 2007

Supporter

Hi Sweetie! Me Fairy*godmother

Hi Sav, I am not really sure what has brought on this depression you are feeling and the unworthness feeling you are having. Have you always had this low self esteem? Sweetie you are only 17 years young. Its is not roght/healthy for anyone to have these feelings you are having. You are aksing for help.....otherwise you would have never come here. Here you will not be judged by looks.....I will try to help you anyway I can. Beauty comes from within. this world has turned into a mess trying to make everything "physically atractive". Some things in life are not meant to be. My suggestion to you, since you came here, thats a BIG STEP.....you can take another step and find a counselor somewhere that you can confide your feelings. Actually a doctor may be in order ,especially if are comtemplating suicide. Please..........I've been to that stage in life and its not fun. I had to start thinking of others that I'd hurt and not myself. Oh sure, I could end it all and that would have solved MY problems( how selfish of me).....but look at all the problems it would cause to the ones that love me.....I have a daughter who will turned 24 this year. Correct me if I misread your forum, are you male or female? After rereading it I was not sure....not that it matters. Feel free to PM me anytime you like, I will write you back and try to get your through this. At least I would like to try to help you. You are NEVER alone.....and I doubt you look that bad...........You just need a self esteem boost............I'm here if I you need me!

Jules

replied on December 12th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

What do you fear from speaking to someone about your feelings? It seems to me that you are extremely depressed and I know from experience that that is a terrible feeling. It feels as if you are alone in the world, separated from 'normal' people and unworthy of life. These feelings eat away at you every day, little by little and the hopelessness is overwhelming.

You really need to see a doctor. It was the best thing I ever did, seeing my GP. I am on Effexor now which is a type of antidepressant and all those feelings have gone away.

Please don't let this illness continue. You must speak to a doctor. You don't have to tell him/her EVERYTHING if you don't want to, just enough so they understand you are depressed and not just discontented. Life feels crap for you right now but it won't always be like that. You will get better but you have to force yourself to take the first step. I know it's hard because everything is telling you that you're not worth it but of course you are. You are just as important as any other person on this planet - whether conventionally beautiful or not. Besides, I find that people that don't fit the standard formula of beauty are usually far more interesting and deep than those that focus only on their skin and flesh.

Like fairyGodmother said: you're not alone Wink

marvel

replied on December 13th, 2007

Supporter

Wow, sav. Welcome to ehealth.
I got a bit emotional reading your post. I remember being 17 and feeling exactly the same way. I had a strong belief that we were 'conditioned to feel that way' when it comes to beauty. Unfortunately, as in our case, we succumbed to our conditioning and internalized it.

I think you suffer from something far, far different than the supposed ugliness you describe. Personally, I was diagnosed with depression and was immediately put on medication.... Effexor, just like Jules. It did me wonders. It turned my life around and I have managed to take myself off of it successfully as well.

I strongly, strongly advise you to talk to a doctor. Seriously, they're there to help you in any capacity they can. They won't think any less of you because of how you percieve yourself. As others have said, We're always accessible by Private Message. Don't be a stranger if you ever feel the need to talk to any of us!!

Mike East Texas

replied on December 15th, 2007

Experienced User

Until you get the right meds, try to find something you are good at. Then, try to better at that than anyone else at it. That isn't a cure. But, it will help you get by. You can rase your own self esteem. Especially, if your the best there is. I don't recommend going without help, like I did. But, for many years, I was the best at what I did. That gave me a sinse of selfworth. I could keep going.

void_

replied on December 24th, 2007

New User

sav i dont know if youve moved on but anyways its as if you were describing me, to VERY last detail: age, mirror-phobia, etc.
i hope we can talk about this more, becyz i do need someone who understands to talk through. i dont feel like burdening my friends with this.
well, pm me if you ever read this...

addict1

replied on August 7th, 2009

New User

Body Dysmorphic

body dysmorphic for sure. You don't even have to tell the Dr. all the details if you just mention that you think you may have body dysmorphic syndrome. Plenty of people are diagnosed with it and plenty of people live normal happy lives. You have to take the first step and get help. I promise you it is like depression, anxiety, OCD, or any other affective disorder. You have a chemical inbalance and it is nothing to be ashamed of. The exciting thing is you can get help, you don't have to feel like this forever!!!!!!!

rightside

replied on August 7th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

First of all, this post is years old. Second, this is a teenager. They all think that way. Just look around this forum...it's full of kids who feel exactly the same. Most of them grow out of it. The teenage years can be hell.

Dark

replied on August 10th, 2009

New User

Your socalled friends are probably the ugly ones, so socalled friends call you ugly because they are really jelious because you are the cute one in the bunch and they are the ugly ones, it happens, they try to break down your esteem to make you feel inferior so they can feel better about themselves. Do'nt listen to that mess!

sis4

replied on August 20th, 2009

New User

omg there must be heaps of people that like you just by reading that message ive al ready stated liking you as a nice lady and guys just need toget to know you im shur of it!!!!!

chiamaka

replied on August 20th, 2009

New User

hello sav, pls dont ever contemplate suicide ever again the spiritual consequences are too dire, am not tryin to be preachy, but its not abt outside beauty, i consider myself pretty but am depressed sometimes and despite my looks ppl esp guys dont really give me the time of the day. pls look way past ur looks and engage in positve activities and avoid ppl who put u down, they are tryin to make themselves feel superior or better. u most have sometin that is wonderful abt u, just search deeply.

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