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My husband Left! How long do I wait? (Page 1)

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My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the monday before thanksgiving. He was in the hospital and seemed stable when he came home, but the MOnday after Thanksgiving. He just left. He packed a bad and walked several miles until his brother came from out of town to pick him up. He didn't talk to me for almost a week. After he finally called me, he said that he had a job and an apartment and was never coming home. I don't know if he is on his meds or not. We have 3 small children...How long am I supposed to wait for him to crash?? Or will he??? I can't handle much more of this....
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replied December 10th, 2007
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oh no! i'm so very sorry to hear that. esp. since you have children. my brother, who has bipolar, has done this several times in his life. although, he never had a wife or even a girlfriend at the time. i wish i could tell you what he might do but one never really knows with this illness. have you decided to stay with him through the illness? that is the first thing to sort out... after you educate yourself about bipolar. sounds like he is reacting pretty hard to a proper diagnosis, which is normal... i think. Maybe he left to prevent hurting you and your children. guilt is a huge problem for me. i feel like i am a burden... actually, i KNOW that i am. despite what family says. i broke up with my husband while we were dating several times because i didn't feel worthy of a relationship because i was sick. my husband has been my angel in all of this as i was diagnoses properly just before thanksgiving too. he would tell me that he sees potential in me and that i am not my illness. stuff like that. he would often ask if i broke up with him due to something he did. see, he's smart because the only answer was no. then he would say ok well lets think on it before we make a huge mistake. maybe you can try a similar approach if you are wanting him back. i hope that helps some. i know you are hurting very much and there are a lot of people going through the same thing... so you are not alone.
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replied December 10th, 2007
Thanks!!
I absolutely want to stay with him...I've never given up on him. I just don't know if I can handle his behavior. I try not to take it personally when he tells me that I am the reason he is "crazy" and that he is happy now without me. He doesn't call to check on our kids. Honestly, he is not safe to be around...I should be glad he is gone. But I don't want to leavehim simply because he is sick. He is very much in denial about everything...He lies to me, his mother, everyone. He said he has no intention of coming home. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He can't give me a definite answer about anything. I am stuck with the bills, the house, car payment, looking out for out children...everything. He is suppose to go to the doctor on the 20th. I wish he would, but he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. I am hurting so terribly right now...My kids are confused, I'm confused. I have never been this sad before....Thank you for replying...
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replied December 10th, 2007
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my bro has 2 girls one of which he isn't allowed to see. and she's been adopted by another man. it's sad but he crossed the line with his ex by hitting her. i won't sleep alone in the same house with him and i'm bipolar too!!! he was committed once because he was planning for several months to kill our mother. he was convinced that she was evil and that god wanted him to kill her. some bipolar people project their anger on another. this is highly dangerous!!! be careful, please.

does he get violent? at all? even just breaking stuff...

this is NOT your fault in any way. just like it's not his. he's sick but you have to be careful with bipolar. it can get deadly. if you are scared of him then i would consider breaking away physically and possibly emotionally. i would hate for you to get hurt or god forbid your kids!

another option is to have him committed. but make sure you get the support of family and close friends. it will hurt to do it but it could save his life.

i will pray for you, your children and husband.
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replied December 10th, 2007
Again, Thank You!
yes, he has been violent in the past. I filed a VPO against him as soon as he left. I kept thinking that if he got help, meds, etc, that he wouldn't act like this. Can I have him committed??
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replied December 10th, 2007
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i believe so. i'm sure state laws vary but i would start researching it. my mother is the one that signed for my adult brother. they actually came and got him from her house. but in that case she had a 30 page letter describing what he intended to do. so, you might need some type of proof. in the end it didn't matter because he's living with our dad and not on meds, even with a court order to take lithium.
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replied December 10th, 2007
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again, i have to say... please be careful.
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replied December 10th, 2007
I Needed Support...and I Got It
Thank you so much for responding. I have been needing someone to talk to about all of this! I am taking 150 mg of Effexor myself (after going to the Dr this week) and I have been trying to be more objective about the situation. My husband was prescribed Seroquel and clonazepam. I have no idea if he is taking them. He was already taking 60 mg of cymbalta before his diagnosis of bipolar. I think he is still taking that, but only because it makes him ill ill when he doesn't. He was diagnosed with lupus about 3.5 years ago. He hasn't been taking his meds for that for bearly 6 months. His angry outbursts started around that time and I blamed it on all the medication he was on. He said that his anger has to go somewhere and that is why he reacts the way he does. Like, throwing things at me, pushing me, he once chased me with a knife....I am sickened that I let this happen in my home and that I stayed and put my children in danger. I should be glad he is gone. I just know this is not the man I married 9 years ago...Everyone keeps telling me to protect myself and the kids and give it time. Maybe he will get on his meds...I don't know. I'm very sad. My kids just think he is sick and staying at his mother's...I feel badly for him. I think they feel safer now that he is gone.
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replied December 10th, 2007
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unfortunately, if left untreated, bipolar gets worse with age.

i was having a super bad day, just finished a meltdown all over my husbands shirt. so, i am very happy that you got support that you need very much. it makes me feel good to be able to help, even if it's just a little. i will be around on this forum... it's the only one i have. it has grown on me. when i feel down i can usually read something to pick me up just enough to calm down.

i feel very sorry for the little one's because they are the innocent. they might benefit from some therapy.... as would you my lady Smile

chin up pup - am here for you!
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replied December 11th, 2007
I called my insurance and got counseling approved so hopefully I can get in sometime this week to talk to someome. I asked my kiddos if they wanted to talk to their daddy on the phone...the 8 and 5 year old said "No." my 3 year old said yes. I let him call and leave him a voice mail...They've been wetting the bed, acting out....it's terrible. He has no clue what this is doing to them. He told me that he didn't leave the kids, he left me. That makes no sense to me at all. He also says that I hold a grudge because he left...uhhh....it's not a grudge. It's reality. He did leave....I am upset....am I not allowed??


I have been doing a lot of research on bipolar and I am wondering if my husband is a rapid-cycler?
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replied December 11th, 2007
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i'm so happy to hear that you are going to a counselor. good job Junebug77!!! especially the little ones. they can bounce back quick with minimal counseling.

he could be... why do you think so? i sometimes think that i am a rapid cycler... dunno. i just had a meltdown again tonight. we fought, again. he's sorry, i'm sorry. we're both so damn sorry. i'm sick of saying sorry for my illness. i'm sick that my husband is hurting and it is my fault. does this ever get easier??
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replied December 17th, 2007
I've had a few decent conversations with my husband....he has called to check on the kiddos. Seems to be excited about Christmas...I don't know what to think. All I can do is be there for him when he needs me. It's hard though. I miss him. The distance is hard but at the same time, I know in my heart that it is probably for the best. He has agreed to go to his follow-up appointment on Thursday and asked me to go with him. We'll see if he follows through. I would like to tell the doctor how he has been acting, how he left town, etc. Not sure how to go about that though...Any suggestions? I am so new to this... Thanks Puzzld...you've been a great help!
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replied December 23rd, 2007
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PLEASE take care of yourself & those kids, first! You can't make your husband come home & you can't make him take care of himself. However, you MUST take care of your household & YOURSELF! If you're not healthy, those kids are going to start spiraling out of control.

If you are seeing a therapist, please, tell the therapist about your husbands' actions & words. There is no reason for you to go thru this alone. My husband is bipolar & if he was not interested in taking his meds/going to therapy, I certainly couldn't hold this marriage together alone.

Hope that helps.
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replied December 23rd, 2007
Undiagnoses Bipolar And Substance Abuse
I am new to this forumn because I believe my fiancee is an undiagnosed bipolar person. I have read many things that are drawing a conclusion for me and I have to say that I am scared. Substance abuse has manifested itself in our relationship with her turning me on to crack. After she smokes this many of the symptoms of this disease come into to play and all the abusive behavior denial etc... are there. I truly love her and want to give it my all to help but i just do not think that i am qualified to help. We are at a turning point in our relationship as to whether we are going to stay together. It does not look good I feel and i want us to be together during christmas and forever but this problem is out of control because some days she loves me and others I feel that i am insignificant and everything else but me is important. Somebody please help me understand what i can do or should I walk away. Either way will be painfull but from what i can see we all suffer. Thanks for your time
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replied December 24th, 2007
Scott...it's hard towalk away from someone you love. It has been a blessing in disguise that my husband chose to leave. Simply because I can't be trusted to take care of myself and our children because I am far too emotional! Does that make sense? It has taken me almost a month to realize that I can't help him. I can only be supportive and give him time. I keep thinking that he will realize what he has done and that he can't push me around anymore. I am stronger than I thought...I love him so much and can't imagine being without him. But I can't save him from himself. He lied and told me he would go to his doctor's appointment last Thursday. Of course, he didn't go. He said there was nothing wrong with him. There is no point in talking to him or trying to work on our marriage when he refuses to believe he has an illness. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. I have decided for myself that I will give it 6 months before I make any changes in our relationship (i.e. divorce,etc.) I think he must still be in a manic state. He keeps telling me how he never sleeps and tries to keep busy. We have decent conversations when we do talk (which is not often) but only because I just listen to him and don't "make waves...." You have to decide for yourself what you want to do Scott. The good thing is, you have some time to make a good decision. It is much harder when you are married and have children. I've invested 9 years in our marriage and don't want to give up. Definitely seek some professional help. Find a bipolar support group or go to counseling. Whatever you can do. I constantly research BD just so I can understand the illness as best as I can. This forum has been great....Keep in touch!!
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replied December 28th, 2007
<<<PLEASE take care of yourself & those kids, first! You can't make your husband come home & you can't make him take care of himself. However, you MUST take care of your household & YOURSELF! If you're not healthy, those kids are going to start spiraling out of control. >>>

I concur. The focus shouldn't be on him, (how easy that is to say, but....)but rather this is about YOU and getting healthy. You do not know the future, whether with or without him, but you do know what you can do for yourself. (personally I go to God). You WILL find your way!
kara
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replied December 28th, 2007
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karabearva wrote:
<<<PLEASE take care of yourself & those kids, first! If you're not healthy, those kids are going to start spiraling out of control. >>>

I concur. The focus shouldn't be on him, but rather this is about YOU and getting healthy. You do not know the future, whether with or without him, but you do know what you can do for yourself. You WILL find your way!
kara


You've got support, as you can see. You can't go wrong! Wink

yes
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replied January 16th, 2008
I can't hardly talk to my husband anymore. I am emotionally drained....I am starting to resent him more and more every day. He tells me that he wants to stay married but I will have to move where he is. I don't have a problem moving, but I can't really trust that he won't change his mind again once I'm there....HELP!! He doesn't call and check on the kids....he complains that he is "too tired" to call them. Whatever. It is hard being a single mom, I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything, but it is wearing me down. The only way that we get along is if I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything...I want to be a good listener but I also realize I cannot get any support from AT ALL. I want to stay married and I love him more than anything. I am hopeful that things will work out in time, but I am a wreck...
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replied January 17th, 2008
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Be careful. Moving back in with him and giving in to his terms may backfire since he's so unstable. Plus with his history of violence and attitude towards the kids, you may want to give it a while, but don't give up yet. Things like this can take a lot of time and patience. I feel really bad for some of the stuff I've put my family through. It took a while, but everything finally worked out and now I've been stable for about 2 years!
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replied January 21st, 2008
I definitely don't want to rush into anything...I am obligated to finish teaching the rest of this school year so I think that has been a blessing! Everyone keeps telling me not to give in to his terms...I most definitely agree with that. I have tried to tellhim that we need to make decisions together or this isn't going to work. It's bad enough that he left us...I am doing my best to give it time. We spent this weekend with him and he seemed like he was back to himself. Minus the part where he doesn't want to move home...We had a great time with the kids and he was very affectionate towards me. It just confuses me more and more every time I see him...blah blah blah
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