Relationships and Marriage Forum - I Have No Idea What to Do?

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Q: I Have No Idea What to Do?

asked by: Makavelli on December 4th, 2007

New User

I have a real long story to tell. I will condense as much as possible. I have no idea how I should be feeling right now and would like some input on my situation.

I have been with my girlfriend for going on 6years now. We met through work and began a relationship during a low time in my life when I was heavily into drinking and drugs. I told her at the beginning that I didn't want to get involved because I knew she had two kids and I wasn't ready to jump into a family situation. I was using drugs and alcohol a lot and wasn't ready to be any kind of father. Well one thing led to another and she persude me relentlessly and here it is six years later and we have a daughter who will be three in Jan. I basically got thrown into a family situation at the age of 22. Her daughter began living with us and her sun came on weekends. Then we had a daughter and so now I am a 25 year old male with three kids ages 10/9/2.75! I don't think I have ever been in love with my girlfriend she is a great friend and I care about her deeply but have never felt love there. I love her kids more and more and decided that they deserve better so I have been in this for the kids for quite some time. We bought a house and my gf stopped working when my daughter was born and I have been busting my ass to provide the best life I can for what I consider to be my family for going on three years now. I recently found out some very disturbing things about my GF past that she had lied to me. She has three kids from three different dads. She has been completely dishonest with me about her sexual history. She had a very "rough" life and this caused her to have what she describes as "many" sexual partners. She had previously told me that she had had a handful of partners now I find that this is not near the truth......five years later.....one kid later and now her daughter and her son both live with me because her ex-husband gave up custody because he knew that living with us was a more stable environment for his kid. None of the fathers pay child support I take care of the household completely including my own daughter and I try my hardest to love her kids as my own even though it is hard. I feel completely betrayed and very hurt that my gf lied to me about her past and I really don't know what to do now. I am not rich and make it pay chec k to paycheck....she has no family/freinds/ or anybody who can help her to move out if I decide to end this relationship...... and I hate to think how it would effect the kids if we did separate. I have no idea what to do or how to feel. If anyone can give me any advice, I am all ears. I am literally sinking into a dark hole of depression that my life has come to this and on top of it I started my own business about a year ago and things aren't looking good at all financially looks like my life as i know it is circling the toilet bowl....I have no friends and no one to talk about this hence why I am here.

Thanks for listening,

Makavelli

Replies(11)

meblonde01

replied on December 4th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Makavelli,
The first key word I picked up from you is that you really don't love her, That your feelings are more like a very good friend.. If that is the case most likely your situation will only decline.. Some people say stay in a relationship for the children. But I think bad relationship hurt the children when staying in them.
You now have found out you have been lied to by someone you don't think you love. If there was a chance for love to grow, I would say that lie has hindered that.
However if the lie hurts you to the point it does, Maybe you do care for her more than you think you did..
You need to truly examine your heart and if your heart is not into it LEAVE. It’s not fair to her or to you to continue to live in a loveless relationship..

Makavelli

replied on December 4th, 2007

New User

I am worried that she hasn't been faithful to me.....and based on her past I think I have a legitament concern. She claims that she has never cheated on me, but there has been so much dishonesty lately i am finding myself unable to trust a word out of her mouth....I have sacrificed so much to provide for my family I have worked two jobs gone into debt I had a good job but all I have made has been poured into bills and food for kids that aren't mine and a woman who completely lied to me since the begining. I seriously haven't taken so much as a vacation for like three years. I haven't been able to do anything for myself because I am constantly paying for a bill or buying a b-day present or xmas presents or paying for school this and school that..I have lost all my friends because I spend ALL my time working just to make ends meet and she would get mad when I went out with friends. I could be doing something I enjoy and be doing well financially if I wasn't in this relationship. Instead I am constantly hanging on to the end of my rope just trying to make it week to week. I just feel like I have been busting my ass suffering with a terrible quality of life based upon someone who is not who I thought she was.....she says that she is a completely different person now and her past has nothing to do with now.......do I have a right to be angry?

meblonde01

replied on December 4th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I think you have every right to be upset.. Why isn't she working to help out?

Makavelli

replied on December 4th, 2007

New User

meblonde01 wrote:

I think you have every right to be upset.. Why isn't she working to help out?

Well she did finally get a job....but I wanted her to be a stay at home mom. To raise my daughter and take care of the kids and house. I think she kind of took advantage of it though. i think she could have done more to improve the home but oh well. She recently got a job at a day care working from 8-2pm the wages are so low and we live in the boonies so with gas for commuting we weren't really making much money having her work. We have no child care and the kids are in school from 7-3pm and so there is really no time for her to work. It has gotten to the point where thinking about this is consuming my life I can't even work or be productive.....

Makavelli

replied on December 4th, 2007

New User

she says that her past is none of my business and that I shouldn't have pressed her to share it with me! I believe that she loves me and I don't think she has cheated on me but I don't what to believe now. I mean........she kind of blew me out of the water with the stuff she told me. I am no angel myself. I have a rough history, but I have always been conservative with me sex life and have had very few relationships.....I have only been in two that were of any significant length of time this being the second. I just feel like I want to move on with my life but I care way too much about these kids and I am stuck where I am because she doesn't have the money to move out and I dont' have the money to help her move out and she has three kids so she needs at least a 3bed apt and I have been these kids father for a4/5years now...they already went through a divorce with her previous relationship she was married for six years......I am freaking out here don't know what is the "right" thing to do.......I understand why she made the choices she did but I still feel that they were "choices" you have the ability to be who you want to be in life no matter how crappy your childhood was. I don't think that this is an excuse for her behavior and yet I feel sorry for her because she has had a rough life and now I feel sorry for her kids more than anything and I desperately want to be the one who gives them some sort of stability and to be a father figure and to help them to become amazing individuals, but at the same time I am so upset I could seriously just take off get on a boat and go to a foreign country and never come back......but I can't do that because I would miss my daughter more than anything!!!! How did I get myself into this MESS!!!

Jude-Love

replied on December 5th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

I think you are thinking too much about her past. Think about why she might not have been truthful with you at first. Do you really think it was to hurt you? Probably not. It's likely she just wanted you to accept her. She should have told you the truth, but look at your reaction now that she has told you. She's being truthful with you now and you're punishing her for it. Her past is not a good enough reason to suspect she's been unfaithful at all, that isn't fair.

As far as the relationship goes, it was a bad idea to get into a relationship with someone and let it continue knowing you weren't as devoted to it, but the children involved shouldn't suffer because you exercised bad judgment. I'm not sure if you have loved her at any point in the relationship, but it might be a wise decision to get some sort of counseling. Couples who were in love fall out of love all the time and right back in love after that. Relationships are work, they aren't perfect all the time. There's going to be times when you do not feel like you love each other. I suspect that there is something to the kind of person she is that you are attracted to, otherwise you wouldn't be sleeping with her.

As far as her reasons for her past, you really should stop and think before telling her she needs a better "excuse" for her behavior. You are not her, you don't know what her life experiences meant to her personally. Women who experience things like that are prone to be promiscuous, it's just a fact. It shouldn't say anything about whether or not she's worthy enough to be with you. And if it does, maybe you aren't worth her time.

Makavelli

replied on December 11th, 2007

New User

Her past is not a good reason to think that she has been unfaithful? Well, I would have to disagree with you, there. Isn't it women who say once a cheater always a cheater. She has a past filled with lies, deceit, and sex. So now all of sudden because she is with me that has changed....well I just found out she has been lying so it doesn't look like it. I am not punishing her at all. The whole reason that she told me the truth is because I confronted her because I suspected her of cheating on me. She was married/recently divorced when I met her. She cheated on her ex-husband. We are not even married. Her ex-husband to this day doesn't even know that she cheated on him. I wasn't saying that she needs a better "excuse" I was simply saying that you have a choice. No matter how shitty your experience is you still have a choice to do the right thing become a better person. That is all I am saying. I know that she had a rough childhood, very rough. No I don't think that she is not "worthy" to be with me like you said. Everybody has a past. I am having trouble trusting someone who hasn't been faithful to a single man in her life and if she is cheating on me then no she isn't "worthy" enough to be with me. Plain and simple. I am good person I have stepped up to the plate. She has three kids. Three fathers and I am the ONLY one who pays a single dime to support those kids. I am the only one who is there to encourage, support, and love them. If she can't be faithful to me, then NO she isn't worthy enough to be with.

Jude-Love

replied on December 11th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

My point was-you describe yourself as being "thrown into a family situation" at 22. You're not taking responsibility for YOUR choice. You weren't thrown into anything. You chose to be in a relationship with her. It doesn't matter how relentless she was, you could have still said no. You didn't want to be with her, yet it was okay to sleep with her knowing you didn't feel love, right? It doesn't seem that you are being honest with her either.

Makavelli

replied on December 18th, 2007

New User

I Fail to See Your Point?

How am I not taking responsibility for my choice? I am sorry but I fail to see your logic to this conversation. I am taking responsibility for not only my choice to be with her but responsibility(sole provider) for two kids whose biological father's dismissed. So I think that is fair amount of responsibility for MY choice. Don't you? Yes I was "thrown into a family situation" at 22.....and yes I have been in the relationship and have essentially dedicated myself to raising these kids "proper" which is to say to the best of my ability....so I fail to see my lack of responsibility..It seems as if though you are attacking me with the assumption that I am typical male and got into this situation thinking with the wrong "head". I can assure you that this is not the case. Yes I essentially made a decision to be in this relationship and I am taking responsibility for it. But I have been up front with her since the day we met about my feelings.....as I previously stated above " I told her at the beginning that I didn't want to get involved because I knew she had two kids and I wasn't ready to jump into a family situation. I was using drugs and alcohol a lot and wasn't ready to be any kind of father." But I changed my ways and have attempted to become a father figure in the best way that I know how. We got a house and moved in together and she stopped working to be a stay at home mom and so for the past almost three years...i have created what I like to consider a semi-stable, homey, loving, caring, nurturing environment for what I consider to be MY family.

so once again I fail to see the point that you are attempting to prove or how i haven't taken responsibility for my choice or how I am not being honest with her? Please clarify!

Jude-Love

replied on January 2nd, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Makavelli wrote:

How am I not taking responsibility for my choice? I am sorry but I fail to see your logic to this conversation.

You are blaming her persistence and drugs for your getting into the relationship at all instead of yourself-you not realizing the potential wasn't great and avoiding it. Drugs and persistence are not to blame for you being "thrown" into this relationship. You are. It just seems that by shifting the blame, you are trying to shift the responsibility off as well.

Makavelli wrote:

i have created what I like to consider a semi-stable, homey, loving, caring, nurturing environment for what I consider to be MY family.

Well, a loving, caring environment consists of two parents who LOVE each other and WORK on their relationship instead of saying, "Oh, I've never really loved you, sorry" and bailing. Especially when knowing you were not really in love with her, you kept sleeping with her and brought yet ANOTHER child into this mess. If this woman and her children are your family, then you need to quit making excuses for wanting to leave them.

the cheshire cat

replied on January 2nd, 2008

New User

retrospectively, you may have made some bad decisions, but that's not my point.
When I was younger, my mum and dad had some issues. They would always argue and in the end my dad decided to leave, but stuck around for an uneccesary year just for the kids; me, my brother and sister. I don't know if this helps as it is a different situation, but are you sticking around for the kids? Because if your relationionship with her is an unhealthy one, then how good for the kids is it that you stay? I found it hard because I felt in a way I had been given false hope. I hope this helps even though it is a bit different. When my dad left, I still had an active relationship with him and saw him fortnight about (2 weeks at my mum's, 2 weeks at my dad's, and so on). Just because you leave doesn't mean you have to never see your daughter.

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