Depressed,suicidal thoughts.

I don't think I've ever talked anonymously to people I don't know about my problems. However, I've gone through some major changes lately, so why stop now? I just happened upon this site, and I don't know if it's the right place to be spilling my guts, but here it goes.

My name is Nicolle, and I'm 20 years old, going to college full time. I've always had problems in the past with depression, most of the time not knowing why. I would always go through periods of depression, mostly coinciding with the end of semesters (big suprise there i suppose). I've always talked to my friends and the people I'm close to about it, but I've never been satisfied with the answers I receive. I've been to counseling in the past (for family mediation), when I was little, and my experiences fell quite short of helpful. In fact they terrorized me.

Most of this started when in my senior year of high school when I was about to graduate, and my mom suddenly divorced my dad and left him for another man. My grandmother died 3 months later and I only realized (too late) that I had missed out on being close to a wonderful woman. I was in a relationship at the time and it was a long distance one. I spent two years with him finding out he was the worst possible person I could be with. When I broke up with him, I felt like the crappiest person ever. My heart felt like it was going to burst, literally. Even though he deserved me no longer, I still felt like I was doing the wrong thing.

Then I met another guy, and we moved in together this past August. I thought everything was going to be good before we moved in and then I started getting second thoughts, doubts, i started being interested in other men. I should have realized that my feelings were waning for him. After we moved in together, I realized that I had made a terrible mistake and that I did not love the man I was living with. The worst thing about it is that he moved from the east coast to south central for me. Only yesterday did I tell him my true feelings, that I wanted to focus only on my career and not be tied down in a relationship. I did not want to be married any time in the near future, and I certainly didn't think I could ever live with him.

I've always been the worst person at dealing with guilt. I would often put off the blame on other people rather than take it myself. I would get angry, yell, cry, be very melodramatic, and had thoughts of suicide. At first I thought he would be ok with everything, but then he told me he would stay with me for the next year and a half while I finished school, so he could help me with bills and such. He felt that he had nothing left for him and that whenever he left, he would have no reason to live. Then, today, he told me he wouldn't let go of me, even though he knows that's what I really want. Then he calls me selfish because he thinks I have no regard for what he's going through, and that I'm only thinking of myself. Then later he's trying to hug and kiss me and do things that often follow when two people love each other (even though I don't love him that way), and I got so confused and hurt and angry. We're just supposed to be roommates. I honestly can't take care of myself at this point in time, but I'm working on it. I don't know what to do.

Anyways, the main point of this is that I am confused, and depressed, and somewhat suicidal to a point where I will drive really fast on curvy roads, preparing myself ahead of time saying to myself "today is the day you might die." I assess my feelings and I can't find any ounce of remorse for myself, which leads me to believe that if for some reason I had an accident, I think I could leave Earth in a moderately calm fashion. I have no friends that can understand how I feel, and never have. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, because it does seem selfish and whiny (sp). I just want to know how I should feel and why I feel the things I already feel.

Respectfully,
Nicolle

p/s: sorry if this post is long and rambles.. i tend to do that