masturbating since age 8, hard to arouse now

Hi,

Shortly after my 8th birthday (I'm quite positive on the timetable here) I started masturbating. I did it (almost) exactly once every single day afterward up until like 4 years ago (I'm 21 now). My very first experience was very vivid and I can remember much of the fantasy even now -- without going into too much detail it had nothing to do with sex or naked girls or anything, it was just some elaborate scene involving the torture of a fellow schoolmate. Soon after this my fantasies became exclusively about controlling/abusing women in sexual ways. Interestingly I didn't even think about a girls body without clothing until long after I had begun masturbating (I'm guy btw).

Anyway, I eventually found out about porn and just got into more normal stuff except that I would need to also find stories online involving rather extreme stuff to accompany the "normal" pictures. This trend has continued till today except that it is so incredibly hard to become aroused that I end up masturbating like 1-3 times a week depending.

I have basically zero physical attraction to anybody (including ALL material on the internet). Masturbation has been this weird ritual for a long time now where I don't feel horny or anything but I just sort of start to do it and see what happens; usually it takes like 5-10 minutes before erotic material is even interesting and sometimes it never happens and I just say screw-it and forget about it. I've noticed that in my daily life I honestly don't think about sex or women much at all. I can go places with friends and not even notice "that super hot girl" that everybody else was eyeing that just walked by.

Anyway, this post has become really long somehow but I guess I just haven't told anybody about any of this before and needed to get it off my chest. I'm really not sure why I started having these thoughts when I was 8, but I think this whole thing bouncing around my head for 13 years has f***** me over in a very big way. I'm not sure what I'm trying to do here exactly, but it felt good to write that. Thanks for listening.

-Lambda