Infertility Forum - Afraid of fertility specialist appt

I would like anyone whom has seen a fertility specialist to chime in because our first appointment is coming up in January. And not knowing seems to be the worst part and these three months waiting have been hell. But considering that we have been together for 11 years and tried twice considering she hasn't been pregnant once; we decided to get more professional help.

Personally, most of the time I fight depression because when it takes me down it takes both of us down. Although its never been diagnosed, I'm %95 sure I'm bipolar. Alchahol has been a problem because sleep has been a problem. The biggest enemy has been my mind because if I could shut that down normally I can get to sleep, but considering it takes between 2 to 4 hours most of the time it his an impossibility. Since that time I have had a stroke last January and that changes your perspective a bit and pulls what is important into sharper focus. Since, I have had that condition I have cut back to a couple of times a week and my sperm production has taken off. So I got the idea to try again.

For my wife I don't know what made her decide but its weird that it hit me first but the noise of her biological clock ticking is almost getting deafening since she is 45 and I'm 33. Before she wanted to have a child for me but when it came to scheduling the doctors appointments, it was too much. This time she brought it up, so I'm hoping that we will be successful this time. But my worst fear is that they won't be able to do anything for her and we will be left childless. We have talked about adoption and we are both set against it because we respect people that have done it, but we feel that it just isn't an option for us.

She on the other hand has had weird periods and really heavy ones with clotting. She is also borderline diabetic and unable to lose weight but her weight has remained consistent throughout the years. She has never been pregnant even once and considering that we have tried for almost a year and a half; blind luck should have taken over but it has never happened. The only thing that we got going for us is that she started her periods early so that will buy us a little time.

Really, I told her to go by herself because I mentioned that I was apprehensions but the truth is i'm scared to death. I know she is a little concerned but I'm almost petrified with fear considering I'm helpless to help her and I've run out of options. To talk about kids has been taboo around our house considering we talk about everything this is quite odd. But we don't want to raise our hopes and considering that our expectations are in the basement. Also because of her age miscarriage is almost a certainty considering her age and I'm afraid she is going to quit again because it's too hard; and I'm afraid that i wont be much consolation since i can't empathize and I will try to push her to make another because I have my eye on the prize....And I'm afraid that I want this more then she does but I don't know. We are afraid to talk about it because I'm afraid that were alone....

I've never felt so out of control of in situation such as this....My heart breaks every time I talk about this that it almost has becomes the monster that the name can't be mention because you are so afraid of it. So I hope that you can appreciate how painful this is and how embarrassing this is for someone who doesn't like to talk about their problems and someone who is rather private.....But if anyone has been successful I would like to know; because being cut off from everyone and having no friends that understand and considering that we don't want to tell family because of the pressure that it would bring on; this feels like a private hell and all I can do is twist in agony...it makes me feel like crawling up into a corner and becoming disponant but I don't dare because it would affect my wife, and she is my number one priority.....and I can't even tell the woman I love because it seems like there is this wall and this subject is completely off limits....and the only option is to turn to strangers.....So I hope you understand......