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Q: Bp G/f of 6 Months Wants a Break. Just How Should I Handle This?
asked by:
scottyteal
on December 1st, 2007
New User
Recently though she's moved into her own place and this seems to have brought on more depressive episodes. Recently she has been extremely caught up on my past relationship - I was going out with a girl long term, we broke up and then I met her. What she can't get over is how I 'got over' this past relationship so quickly - I told her that I didn't - that I grieved and cried and hurt. She can't seem to accept this though - it's like her brain is 'stuck'.
Last night we were talking about it again and she started shaking, wanted to throw a glass at the wall and she kept saying 'it's in my head, it's in my head'. She believes me - but it's like her mind won't let her 'believe' it.
I had never seen one of these 'psychotic episodes' - as she called it - but I was supportive and comforting but I could see she was in a LOT of mental pain.
Then at the end of our long discussion she asked if we could 'just be friends for a while'? At first I was shocked but soon pulled myself together.
She said she needs to go into her own world for a bit, hibernate and get her thoughts together. She said she doesn't like partners seeing her in this state - and she just wants a bit of 'space' to work these thoughts through. She also said she can't handle the 'expectation' to work this out straight away.
So I've agreed to give her 'time' - she still wants to remain friends and hang out together and we both agreed we didn't want to 'lose each other'.
I spoke to her today and just let her know I wasn't going anywhere and she can talk to me anytime. To which she replied 'Thankyou but I don't think I feel like talking yet and I don't have any answers'. I said 'that's fine'. She said 'I just need to lie down on grass and think'. She's also been sleeping a hell of a lot since that night together and she is under quite a bit of stress at work.
I keep trying to tell myself this isn't about me - that she's not rejecting me - this is about her and her illness and what else can I do except still be her friend, don't pressure her and hope she'll give us a second chance once she 'sorts herself out'? It's quite a balance though to 'be there for her' but 'give her space' at the same time. By the way - two nights before she was telling me I had all the qualities she was always looking for in a man - then 'bang' - I'm on the outer...
UPDATE - A WEEK LATER:
My girlfriend rang me tonight and asked if I wanted to come over to talk. So I did and we've just finished talking after 5 hours. I was able to ask her a lot of questions in a very caring and supportive manner - although I did back off when I could see her start to struggle.
The areas she got nervous about are 'if her drugs are working' and her psychiatrist (she only sees him once a year) - although she is going to 'try' and book in with him next week..
She basically wants a 'break' because she feels having a relationship is putting too much 'pressure' on her at the moment. And that word kept coming up again and again and again - 'PRESSURE'. And yet this was one of the things I tried most hard to avoid - putting 'pressure' on her to be a 'girlfriend'. It was her who made the first move on ME and decided to move in with me until she bought her new apartment - not me - and I never ASKED if she wanted to stay - I always let her DECIDE - simply because I didn't want her to feel 'pressured'. As I had come out of a long term relationship - she also 'felt pressure' to 'live up' to my past girlfriend - again I had reassured her that I was after something TOTALLY different. I also remembered I noticed a while ago she hadn't seen some friends for a while - so I told her to keep in touch with them (basically saying she didn't have to be with ME all of the time). And she feels 'pressure' that we work for the same company (although we never see each other)...and she felt pressure that I told her I 'loved' her a while back...
So she loved everything we had - but also felt it was too much to deal with. She needs this 'break' to 'isolate herself and find out who she is again'. I asked why it's only me she wants to isolate herself from - not her friends and family and she replied 'well they don't ask questions why I'm doing it' (they wouldn't know I suspect...)
She knew I had been reading a lot on BP and when I asked her if she wants me to print anything out she said - 'no maybe when I'm better'. I reinforced to her that I'm in this for the long haul - and it seemed to please her I was in quite a good mood - again she said that if I was down and depressed she would see this as 'pressure' to get back together again straight away.
But we did have lots of laughs and what can I say - the spark is certainly there and she doesn't think this is 'over' but still needs this 'break' and 'space'. Although she did confirm she has done this to other boyfriends - she doesn't think there is a pattern...hmmmmm. I tried to bring up the fact that this 'breaking up' behaviour could be due to her bipolar - but she either didn't understand or didn't want to understand.
When I asked her why she suddenly 'sprung' this break on me - she said she had 'no choice' - it was either this or 'madness'.
UPDATE - ANOTHER WEEK LATER:
she came into my office to see how I was the other day - I told her I was doing OK - she then said - 'Oh God - stop looking at me with those eyes - it makes me want to kiss you so bad'!!!
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I told her I wanted to kiss her too - then she said she's going to book in for her labotomy next week! The spark between us was amazing but I stopped things going any further in case this brought back any 'pressure' feeling in moving too quickly again.
But I couldn't believe she had flipped this QUICKLY!!
Then the next morning she rang saying she was having an anxiety attack. She went to her professor's retirement dinner last night and it was a MAJOR trigger. She used to be a scientist - which she loved - but had to give it up because the Bipolar hit hard. And she's never really got over this loss...
She rang me in quite a state - wanting me to just talk to her - I then went over there and made us a cup of tea - - and just kept talking gently to her - reaffirming her. She was pacing, couldn't sit down and vomiting - lots of deep breathing. She let me give her a hug - but it still took her a while to calm down. I convinced her to go to work - and she said she'd put on her 'work mask' (so true...).
I asked her if she had booked in with her psychiatrist and she said 'she forgot' - oh God - I've told her I want her to do it ASAP. In fact - in retrospect I should have made her call then and there - darn it!
She's left work to go home and sleep this afternoon - it really exhausted her and I know she didn't sleep much last night.
She called this an 'anxiety attack' but could it have been something more serious?
Weird thing was when she rang me on the weekend - she was a bit distant again - no talk of catching up or anything.
This is definately rapid cycling isn't it?
And her brother goes overseas next week which will be a BIG TRIGGER for her...
The rollercoaster continues...thanks for reading - just had to get some of this off my chest - any advice appreciated. Cheers Scott
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Replies(4)
scottyteal
replied on December 9th, 2007
New User
Update:
Good news - we had a great chat this week and whilst talking about her Bipolar, I was able to get to realise just how neglectful she had been and that whatever meds she's on and psych treatment she is getting (which is none!) - it's NOT working. So she agreed to see a new doctor AND psychiatrist! (She actually admitted to me she hasn't see a psych in 2 years!)
I booked her in to see my doctor this morning which went really well - she felt quite relieved to be able to discuss her current situation and panic attacks. She's also booked in for a blood test - the results of which she will get back next week.
The doctor has also suggested if she can't get into a psych straight away - she will see her herself on a therapy basis.
But I know we're not out of the woods. She was in a very good mood today and yesterday but her brother is going overseas indefinately tomorrow which may have a significant impact on her.
But hopefully this is all a step in the right direction. And as far as 'we' are concerned - bizarrely even though she considers a relationship far to much 'pressure' at the moment - we've never been closer. I hope psych care can help her ally this fear and take away some of that perceived 'pressure'.
Thanks friends, Scott
Good news - we had a great chat this week and whilst talking about her Bipolar, I was able to get to realise just how neglectful she had been and that whatever meds she's on and psych treatment she is getting (which is none!) - it's NOT working. So she agreed to see a new doctor AND psychiatrist! (She actually admitted to me she hasn't see a psych in 2 years!)
I booked her in to see my doctor this morning which went really well - she felt quite relieved to be able to discuss her current situation and panic attacks. She's also booked in for a blood test - the results of which she will get back next week.
The doctor has also suggested if she can't get into a psych straight away - she will see her herself on a therapy basis.
But I know we're not out of the woods. She was in a very good mood today and yesterday but her brother is going overseas indefinately tomorrow which may have a significant impact on her.
But hopefully this is all a step in the right direction. And as far as 'we' are concerned - bizarrely even though she considers a relationship far to much 'pressure' at the moment - we've never been closer. I hope psych care can help her ally this fear and take away some of that perceived 'pressure'.
Thanks friends, Scott
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tokissornot
replied on December 9th, 2007
New User
Wow - you are a really great guy to stick with her and try to work through this. Hopefully one day she'll realize how lucky she is.
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ebaris
replied on December 11th, 2007
New User
I've just been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, have been in therapy for a while now, and completely understand what you're going through, or at least what she is going through since i'm on that side of it.
First of all, like the last poster, you should know that you really are an amazing boyfriend, and that whatever happens won't be your fault at all.
It's quite sad for me to read your post because I recognize so many of the same behaviors I've exhibited in my past relationships. It sounds like you've been on quite the rollercoaster with her. I don't know if it'll help at all, since you sound like you're doing the best you can, but hopefully I'll be able to shed some light on how she's feeling.
One of the hardest things to deal with when you've got Bipolar disorder is the unpredictability. I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, or next week, so as a result, I become very commitment shy. My last boyfriend wasn't right for me, but looking back, he was a wonderful guy and really did the best he could with me. He went through quite a few ups and downs with me, but I hit a a series of violent episodes that alternately had me feeling like I couldn't handle the "pressure" of being in a relationship (it's a pretty accurate description) and feeling disgusted by him.
When I am depressed, I literally cannot deal with anyone. I have major guilt trips when I am in relationships because I know that not only am i very difficult to deal with, in these states, i can't be a girlfriend at all. I'm emotionally absent and cannot provide the support, or encouragement, or care that that i require from him. That's probably why your girlfriend doesn't like to go through her episodes with her partners, we feel like it's simply not fair to you. Simple things like calling your significant other every day or asking how they feel are simply not possible because we can barely deal with the incredible pain inside. Sleeping is mostly all we want to do (and eat like six regular and huge meals a day for me) because it takes no energy and we can't do much harm to anyone around us when we sleep.
As for the other pole, i guess this is going to sound worse. It's not that we're fickle, or maybe it is..but i think it has something to do with our ego trips. When i'm manic, i really think that I'm the most beautiful, smartest, most charming girl in the world, regardless of what reaction i get from the world. Thus, i become disgusted with my boyfriends, thinking they are SO below me and that i can and should do much better. Medication will help this, but one problem is that these manics are sometimes addictive. We feel great, so what's wrong with it? It's great at the beginning but I soon begin to feel crazy and wired, often from lack of sleep and constant agitation, after which i often fall into a depressive phase, shut out the world and sleep.
i do have a tendency also to lapse into a manic phase and pull away from my boyfriend, only to go running back to him when I'm depressed and lonely. As for panic attacks, they OFTEN come right along with BD. I used to get panic attacks out of nowhere, just watching TV with my ex. All of a sudden, I'd feel trapped and feel the intense need to get the hell out of wherever i am and just be alone. there's really nothing to do but wait for them to subside.
She should definitely see a pdoc if she hasn't in two years. Also, I think it's pretty rare for them to prescribe her only lithium, since BD is often treated with a cocktail consisting of a mood stabilizer (lithium or depakote), an anti-depressant, and sometimes an anti-anxiety. That could be an issue.
For what it's worth, we don't mean to be erratic, and most of us would like NOTHING better than to be consistent for once in anything that we do. Give her her space, especially if she's going to be figuring out meds and stabilizing her moods, she might resent you if she feels like you're smothering her. Or, if she allows it, you can accompany her to therapy, which I hear often helps the "significant other" deal with living with dr jekyll.
I hope it all works out, hang in there, and thanks for being nice to one of us : )
First of all, like the last poster, you should know that you really are an amazing boyfriend, and that whatever happens won't be your fault at all.
It's quite sad for me to read your post because I recognize so many of the same behaviors I've exhibited in my past relationships. It sounds like you've been on quite the rollercoaster with her. I don't know if it'll help at all, since you sound like you're doing the best you can, but hopefully I'll be able to shed some light on how she's feeling.
One of the hardest things to deal with when you've got Bipolar disorder is the unpredictability. I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, or next week, so as a result, I become very commitment shy. My last boyfriend wasn't right for me, but looking back, he was a wonderful guy and really did the best he could with me. He went through quite a few ups and downs with me, but I hit a a series of violent episodes that alternately had me feeling like I couldn't handle the "pressure" of being in a relationship (it's a pretty accurate description) and feeling disgusted by him.
When I am depressed, I literally cannot deal with anyone. I have major guilt trips when I am in relationships because I know that not only am i very difficult to deal with, in these states, i can't be a girlfriend at all. I'm emotionally absent and cannot provide the support, or encouragement, or care that that i require from him. That's probably why your girlfriend doesn't like to go through her episodes with her partners, we feel like it's simply not fair to you. Simple things like calling your significant other every day or asking how they feel are simply not possible because we can barely deal with the incredible pain inside. Sleeping is mostly all we want to do (and eat like six regular and huge meals a day for me) because it takes no energy and we can't do much harm to anyone around us when we sleep.
As for the other pole, i guess this is going to sound worse. It's not that we're fickle, or maybe it is..but i think it has something to do with our ego trips. When i'm manic, i really think that I'm the most beautiful, smartest, most charming girl in the world, regardless of what reaction i get from the world. Thus, i become disgusted with my boyfriends, thinking they are SO below me and that i can and should do much better. Medication will help this, but one problem is that these manics are sometimes addictive. We feel great, so what's wrong with it? It's great at the beginning but I soon begin to feel crazy and wired, often from lack of sleep and constant agitation, after which i often fall into a depressive phase, shut out the world and sleep.
i do have a tendency also to lapse into a manic phase and pull away from my boyfriend, only to go running back to him when I'm depressed and lonely. As for panic attacks, they OFTEN come right along with BD. I used to get panic attacks out of nowhere, just watching TV with my ex. All of a sudden, I'd feel trapped and feel the intense need to get the hell out of wherever i am and just be alone. there's really nothing to do but wait for them to subside.
She should definitely see a pdoc if she hasn't in two years. Also, I think it's pretty rare for them to prescribe her only lithium, since BD is often treated with a cocktail consisting of a mood stabilizer (lithium or depakote), an anti-depressant, and sometimes an anti-anxiety. That could be an issue.
For what it's worth, we don't mean to be erratic, and most of us would like NOTHING better than to be consistent for once in anything that we do. Give her her space, especially if she's going to be figuring out meds and stabilizing her moods, she might resent you if she feels like you're smothering her. Or, if she allows it, you can accompany her to therapy, which I hear often helps the "significant other" deal with living with dr jekyll.
I hope it all works out, hang in there, and thanks for being nice to one of us : )
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ebaris
replied on December 11th, 2007
New User
oh, as for the ex-girlfriend jealousy thing, yeah, i had the same issue for whatever reason. you're absolutely right about her "knowing" but not internalizing it, it's almost impossible for us to do so. There are a ton of things i "know" rationally, but i can't convince myself of them nomatter how hard i try. at the end of the day, emotion and gut is going to win out. but, if it's completely unfounded, i eventually forget about hangups, so maybe she phase it out.
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