I've been happily married to my husband or 1.5 years. We share a fantastic relationship and I feel very fortunate to have him in my life.
My problem is that I live with my in laws and they are making my life very difficult. These are some of the issues I have with my mil:
1. She accuses me of having done/said things that are untrue
2. She speaks to me rudely/ignores me/makes me feel excluded from the family
3. Picks on my appearance/dress sense
4. Says rude/hurtful things about my family
5. Acts pretentiously nice with me in public/in front of my parents/other members of the family
I spent a whole year and 2 months trying to maintain a dignified silence/ ignoring her ill behaviour and comments/ hoping that with time things would get better. However, things have gone from bad to worse.
My husband is very supportive and highlights the issues to her - but she quickly falls back in to bad habits.
I came from a loving/supportive family. I used to be confident/chirpy/optimistic/happy go lucky. Although I know I shouldn't (and I don't) judge myself by my mils comments - I have found my married life chapter to be soul destroying bcoz of my mil. I have lost interest in things/ am exhausted of the daily drama/ find it hard to sleep and feel that I'm likely to become depressed (which isn't good esp. bcoz I think I may be pregnant again).
I don't let her get to me consciously, but shes like an annoying song that you can hear in the back ground all the time (not meaning to sound rude but just giving an example) that you just can't switch off.
My husband doesn't realise how bad I feel - and I fear I'll jeopordise our relationship by complaining all the time/becoming a boring depressive.
No amount of reasoning with my mil makes her see sense and we're not in a position to move out.
This is a very hard problem to solve. I hear this so many time it is'nt funny. From my experience it is usually because of one of two things.
No one good enough for her son.
Feels like you took her son away from her.
I wish there was something I could offer you for advice. Only thing I can say is to try and keep your distance. As long as you husband is that supportive of you, maybe he can sit her down and talk to him. This also happens to men that marry late in life. Or a mommies boy. All in all I would try and stay away. Sounds like you've tried to warm up to her more then I would and she backs away. I say let it be and see what happens. Don't be deppressed. You first priority should be your husband and not his mother. And possibily your unborn child.
I can relate cuz i went through the same thing. BUT, I made sure to move out of the house. Try to save some money and find a place of your own. If you can't afford it, try to find a part-time job or something to help. Your MIL will not get better; she is harassing you cuz you stole her little boy. My MIL got better when we moved out, although she always blames me for the move. But, I don't care; my marriage is much more important that some miserable old hag. Also, don't let her win; if she she's you're depressed, then she'll think she's accomplished her goal. Ignore her and be happy.
It doesnt end. I am living with the worst in laws you could imagine. I dont even have sex anymore. I have been married less than a year and I hate my life. I wish i could just take my husband out of the equation, move far the hell away, never see them again, and have him be OK with it. But that is fantasy world. And I am reminded everday that I dont have the pleasure of living in it.
My advice? suck it up until you move out. your husband is the only person who can say bad things about his parents, no matter what they do and say to you and how horrible it is. And he knows how bad it is, and he doesnt want to be reminded by you.
spend all your free time away from the house and do one thing a week for THEM. Like rent a movie they all would enjoy and watch it together. That way, they will be QUIET, you wont see them all week, and the only thing they will remember about you for the week is that you watched a film that THEY liked with them.
I have been married for 14 years and have 3 kids aged 12,9, and 6. My husband is an only child and when i met my husband, he told me that he intended on living with his parents. I said that would be okay as long as we all live in harmony (boy, was I ever naive!!!). For the first 10 years of my married life, I went through hell but I persevered.... I guess I hung on because of my kids. My husband is one of a kind - he's loyal, a great father, and would do anything for me. I've tried to explain to him about some of the manipulative things his mom does but he doesn't seem to understand my perspective - he doesn't care to do anything about it as this creates tension between him and his mom. She's very good at making him feel guilty all the time.
Although she has changed a lot over the years and doesn't make cruel comments anymore, I can't help but think about all the times in the past that i was hurt. She is really trying to build a relationship with me but i'm so bitter that I can't allow myself to trust her. I see so many other daughter in laws in our extended families that have moved out and their relationship with their inlaws has drastically changed. Maybe she's afraid that i will want to move out too.... is that why she's being so nice to me now?
My kids are reaching their teens and i feel like i need to do something. I don't get any privacy. My inlaws need to know everything about where the kids are going, where i'm going, who i'm talking to, and my friends and family don't even come over anymore. I am very depressed. I don't have sex anymore and it hurts my husband b/c he thinks it's about him but it's not. I don't want my kids to be raised by a depressed mom. When i go to work full time, i'm okay, but when my 2 month summer holidays strike - I feel like I can't even get out of bed.
What can I do? We have enough money to move out but I don't think it's ever going to happen. If I divorce my husband then my kids will suffer.
First off, you really should get out of that house ASAP. When you got married, you should not have moved in with them, but sometimes it can't be helped. This however gives her NO right to make you feel like an intruder in her home. She is not going to change until you stand up to her. You need to firmly tell her that you do not appreciate her comments, and will not stand for her treating you this way. Don't get into an argument with her, just stand up for yourself. Tell her that if it continues, you will be looking for another place to live. She clearly doesn't respect you and is marking her territory since you "stole" her son from her. Take a stand and be firm about it. And if she plays dumb, and says she doesn't know what you are talking about, (a lot of them do this...) then the very next time she says something you don't like, CALL her on it. Tell her...THIS is what I was talking about and I want it to stop. She might be annoyed at first, but she will start to respect you for sticking up for yourself. And your husband had better side with you. That is where his loyalty lies now. It doesn't matter that you are living with them. If she continues the remarks, pack and LEAVE. It will eventually break up your marriage if you stay, and she will have won the battle.
sometimes standing up to them doesnt work..my and my inlaws have gotten into it so much an they keeping saying and doing horrible things..my father inlaw hits on me all the time an he just cussed me out today
how about a different take on things - my partner has a daughter still living with him and she's not far off 30. She is arrogant and rude most of the time - with occasional really 'normal' friendly/loving attributes- but these usually come at a price and she makes her pa suffer later. It's so boring (and frustrating) her ma moved out when she was little and i think everyone overcompansated - little princess syndrome! Anyhow she has tried all ways to split up her pa and me - even trying to hit on me, he's always maoned about her - but i dont join in cos as you say - family is family! (theyre all theyve got family wise) he thinks she's mentally ill (i think she knows exactly what she's doing) he has even mentioned thoughts of how to get rid of her (fantasy stuff-honest!but shows how he feels) so he and i dont spend time alone together-my condo is too small for him and he has a big place - but she just hangs right there where we are, he asks her to go, she just stands there - but she thinks she's so clever, pretty etc yet the woman has no personality - its clear to me as i write this i should get the hell outofit - a friend asked me out and i think i'll go!
You might not win this battle! The little princess is a master manipulator, and knows just how to push the right buttons on daddy AND you. A woman that age should be out on her own, but her father is enabling her to stay there and take control of his life. You'd be wise to give him the ultimatum..either she goes, or you go. But don't be surprised if you end up packing your bags. The sad part of all this is, the father is not only enabling his daughter not to have a real life of her own...he's forfeiting his too! I'd take that other offer if I was you, because this situation is only going to get more pathetic as time goes on...
I have excatly same problem as you. All you described in your letter is what i am going through, only that we don't live in same house. I am very desperate to find solution and don't know what to do. Can't really talk to anyone about this as i am the only child and my parents are old and sick and i don't want to worry them.
I have always been supportive and respected both or my parents in law, and everything was fine until last week when my mother in law sudenly attacked me for something i didn't do and than blamed me that i am stopping my husband from visiting them. Honestly, I am lost I love my husband and i don't want to go down the road of stop talking to her and stop visiting, but i am just affraid i will have to as i can't really take all this anymore.
I have been Married for 32 years. We have raised two wonderful Son's who have now given us our Beautiful daughter in laws and grandchildren. I don't think I can remember a time in our lives we did not have someone living with us. My husbands Mother,Sisters and their children. We have always tried to help whenever we could. There is so much to this story I don't know where to start. At 49 I underwent a total hysterectomy due to fibroid tumors. At the time we had our son and daughter in law living with us to save for a home.Life was good and we were happy to be there for them. We get a call from my Sister in laws( their are two who are living in apts w/ spouses and are their mom's best buddies) that mom needs somewhere to live until she retires in a year or so and an go live with her one daughter. Of course we say yes . Well 4 years later she is retired an still living with us. My Son and his Wife moved into an apt because there was just no privacy. You see she does not work ,doesn't go out,except to her Dr visits and shopping or lunch with her daughters. Other than that she is home 24/7 watching Tv with daily trips to kitchen for snacks. We live in a small three bedroom one bath Rancher.There is no Privacy! She is a sweet woman with a lot of opinions on what we should do or have for our home. I have guilt due to the fact I come home from work and just want to unwind. Then as always I hear her humming her happy little song on her way to the kitchen to see what I will be making for dinner. I am starting to hate the sound of her merry humming and sometimes run to another room to avoid her. I love cooking and always enjoyed making dishes for my Husband....not so much anymore! I feel like i have become the caregiver.I hate that I have become that person.I feel like I have no control anymore. I feelbothmy husband and I are struggling with depression. We do not care to improve our home as we had in the past. We have no motivation , we sit in our basement eating dinner watching Tv or reading until we go to bed. She has no money to move into an adult facility and definitely does not want to live with her daughters. I think she feels this is her right, that we should take care of her. I wish we had the money to set her up in one of these places.I know it would be best, as I said she has no friends other than her daughters,she does not work and does not pay or contribute in cooking (not that i want her to cook for us) or cleaning in our home. She takes care of her room and laundry. Why do I have such guilt for feeling I want her out? This should be my Husband and my time together. Finally empty nesters. Sorry I saw this post an felt the need to vent. My heart is so heavy as I see no solution .