I am so terribly sorry for what happened to you. Ending a relationship is painful and during the holidays it can be a killer (I have Seasonal Affective Disorder so this time of year makes me more depressed than usual).
I know how much you are hurting--my "First Love" and I broke up 27 years ago and I have never forgotten the pain. I've moved on from there, of course, but those feelings come to mind. Anyway, we were together over four years and were planning on marrying. Like your relationship towards the end the fights increased but that was because the dynamic had shifted. I realized that he was terribly insecure and I was innocent enough to let him play games with my head. When I finally wised up I realized that sooner or later something would have to give (and that something was the relationship). When it did end it was still devastating.
I couldn't imagine life without him, even though life with him wasn't good. He never physically abused me but the emotional scars have never healed. When it finally ended, I cried, I stopped eating, I played all kinds of sad songs, but I didn't want to die. I needed to show myself that I could go on without him. My mom couldn't stand him and I'm sure she was secretly pleased as punch when I stopped going out with him. Which means I couldn't share my sorrow with her. I didn't believe the cliches that things would get better over time and I would gain strength from this, blah, blah, blah.
So, what happened to me?
I started keeping a journal. I poured my heart into it, even though there were times I probably said the same thing 50 times. I haven't read it in years but I've kept it.
I called in all my chits and used my support system of friends, both male and female. They were invaluable, especially my male friends. All of them were extremely supportive and provided me with insight.
I had several realizations, one of which I just couldn't bring myself to believe because it was too bizarre. The realization that *I* was in control of my own life, that I could choose a direction and follow it. Can you realize how scary that can be? I didn't have to rely on anyone--I *could* do it on my own.
I started reconnecting with things that I had given up "for him". I used to be a *big* professional baseball fan--very knowledgeable and could hold my own with the best of them. I had given that up for him--I pretty much surrendered myself to him. I got back into it, as well as tried a couple of other things that filled up my time and made me feel better about myself.
I did have dreams about him more than once and woke up in a cold sweat. It wasn't pleasant but I think it was part of the healing.
It took me probably six to nine months to get over him. We didn't live together so I never had to worry about coming home to an empty place. Each day was a little better than the day before but the improvement was incremental. It took awhile looking back to see that the sun did eventually start to shine.
So, what can I offer you?
1. To put it clinically, he is nothing more than a habit you picked up. I realize this probably sounds extremely heartless but it is the truth. Now he's a bad habit and you need to get rid of this bad habit. I've read your post a few times and I see that communication may have been somewhat lacking. That is no good in a relationship and unless both people make an effort in mending the relationship through communication and stick to that effort, things will just slide back into the morass you feel you're in.
2. Who owns the place you live in/in whose name is the lease (if you rent)? If you both signed the lease there are legal ramifications. You don't want to get stuck with anything that he's responsible for so you need to summon up all your strength, meet in a neutral place with him (say, the Food Court at the mall) and untangle whatever encumberances (sp?) you have: phone bills, rent, mortgage, car insurance, whatever.
3. Have him come by and get his stuff, but have a friend you trust be there instead of you. That way you won't be tempted to beg and plead for another chance. That only makes you smaller and gives him the power. You don't want that, believe me. Your self-concept is severely bruised right now and the last thing you need to do is beat up yourself some more.
4. If you're in a situation where you can't move, CHANGE THE LOCK, change your phone number, block him from your cell phone. The last thing you need is for him to decide he wants to either help himself to your things while you're away or to contact you and play another set of mind games.
5. A cheap way of starting fresh might be to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. Rearrange the furniture, repaint the walls, get new accessories for your place (new towels, a new set of sheets, some new candles for the table). Make your place reflect who *you* are.
6. Consider taking up a new hobby or interest. Something that you've always wanted to do. You have all the time in the world to become an expert at something new. Taking up exercise can be a major help; you can get yourself pretty worn out and fall into bed without any effort. Do it with a friend who will keep you on the straight and narrow (in other words, if you join a book club then the friend will keep you going to the meetings). A good off-shoot of that is that you'll meet people who have at least one thing in common with you. That helps pull you out of the doldrums.
7. If you have any mutual friends, avoid them for the time being. It's too easy for them to tell (sometimes innocently, sometimes cruelly) you what he's up to. They may think they're doing you a favor but they're not. Change the subject, let them know you're not the least bit interested (make it sound convincing), or if necessary, walk away.
8. Try and find something every day to appreciate: a song on the radio, a sunrise, a flower, a good movie, whatever. It doesn't have to be anything huge. There is always some sadness in joy and some joy in sadness. It's up to you to try and find the joy in sadness.
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A few months after we broke up *he* ended up calling me at work. When I heard his voice my knees buckled and I fell into a chair. Know why he called? To ask me how we should handle things in the event we ever ran into each other on the street. I couldn't believe why he was asking me this--all I could do was try and figure out why he would call with something so petty to ask. My voice was first stunned and then very annoyed--how do I know what to do? We'll just have to wait until the situation comes up. The friend of mine who witnessed this said he was trying to feel me out about getting back together. NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!!!
It's been many years but I still have dreams about him. Very, very rarely but I do and they're all about the same: it's the present, somehow we see each other (I now life 1,000 miles away from him), and he begs me to come back to him. I tell him there's no way I would do it--I'm not making the same mistake twice, and besides I'm married (have been for 12 years now--I waited until I was 38 before I took the plunge). I always wake up with a smile.
Please feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder to cry on. I know you're hurting and you don't think things will get better but some cliches have survived all these years for good reason.
Good luck and please keep posting.
