Hi:

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I'm not terribly outgoing, either. If I'm invited to a party where the only person I'll know is the host/hostess I won't go. I'm certain I'm missing out on new opportunities but that's the way I've been for 50 years and I don't think I'm going to change.

That being said, I suggest the first thing you do is do your best to put your partner out of your mind. That is the hardest thing to do as a start but if you compare each new person you meet to what you think your partner's good qualities are, you'll never get anywhere (my, how my sentences *do* run on!).

What are you looking for from people? What do you have to offer?

It sounds like you need to stand on your own two feet and don't define yourself in terms of other people ("needing someone to hold your hand"). You have to be comfortable in your own skin and be friends with yourself first. If you can't like yourself (good qualities, as well as bad), then you'll never like anyone else. There are going to be times, now is one of them, that there won't be anyone around to hold your hand to get through a bad time. You have to have to hold your own hand, grit your teeth, and slog through, step by step. It's scary but it's also terribly exhilarating.

*You* are in charge of your own destiny. You are at a crossroads and it's up to you to decide which way to go. You'll make mistakes (I've made more than my share of them, I don't mind saying) but that's how you learn. Nothing that's forced can ever be right; if it doesn't come naturally, leave it. You can change directions at any time if you find the way you're going isn't working out.

Friendship is built over time; close friendship takes longer. A friendship is no different than any other relationship; in fact, the basis of any serious relationship is friendship. It's give and take, sharing good times and bad. But it's *not* clingy. In the beginning it might feel great to have someone calling you day and night needing to stay in touch with you but after awhile you'd get tired of it because it's not equal. Friendship is overall equality--one person may be better at something than the other but the other has a talent the first doesn't and they learn from each other.

What you might want to consider is joining something "easy" like a book club, or volunteering your time somewhere, or taking up a new hobby. You'll meet people who will have at least one thing in common with you and that's a good start. Once you fill your time with something that is satisfying you'll think less and less of your partner. Over time your circle of friends will grow and, while the memory of partner may never be completely erased it will become very dim. When you look back to this time you'll wonder how you let yourself stay this way for so long.

The ball is in your court, my dear. Time to run with it!

Good luck and please keep posting.

Wow - I want to thank you for a number of reasons. First, replying. Second, I can tell I'm getting this response back from someone who is wise and is speaking from years of experience, understood me and showed me the true path.

Interestingly, after I posted my thoughts and feelings, almost the same instance and even the day after, I started realizing a few things about myself, my partner and whatever this friendship/relationship we had. It helped me a lot in seeing and accepting the reality. And I also came to the same thought that you stated in your reply, that I can't compare new people to my friend, nor can I be thinking constantly about how far ahead my friend's life is or could be than me - who they're socializing with or what's new in their life. I also realized that I wasn't accepting of others - evethough they were really great people and yet I was too deep into making my friend with all their bad qualities...be like the greatest person that entered my life. I think, like you said, I wasn't liking myself enough, and always found myself at fault in everything that went wrong. Liking myself and being confident is something I have to work on - and now that I have to go out and build new frienships, boy, that's one exercise I'll be practicing over and over again.

One thing that the relationship never had was friendship - although I was working really hard at sustaining it and making it like frienship/relationship, the basic foundation cracked in the first 6 months. My friend, happens to be charismatic and upon entry into any room of crowded people, it's amazing they are able to draw people to self. I, on the other hand, do not think I have that talent, so I tried to learn a few things from my friend and "be like them"....now I learn, that didn't do me any good afterall....altering my own persona and character....to be like someone else. In anycase, my friend is also very needy of attention, which means if I drew more people to me than my friend, then it was bad news. So, I was accused of "you learned so many things from me"....

In anycase, I won't bore with details that may seem insignificant to you and may have you shaking your head. It has me shaking my head now to a degree when I think about it. So I guess that's good news.

But I'm finding that there are a lot of layers of realization that I may go through. I feel like each layer represents some pain or some limitation that I put up with for years and now I'm realizing it one at a time and removing that layer. Before, it used to be that I would count # of days, that we had not spoken and I would get more and more down....I may do that now a little, but as the # of days increase, I feel more like it is a good thing and that I'm getting further and further away from the past.

Nevertheless, there are some days, that I do miss the great, fun, sweet times we had, (because right now there isn't anyone that I'm doing that with or anyone that has taken that place for me) but I know and accepted that for now my life may not be what it was, but there are alot of other smaller things (that I look for) that are great and that brings a smile to my face. I also know and accepted that my friend and I were really 2 different people.

to me !

First off, thank you for the kind words. It's nice to know that the things I went through in my past weren't in vain.

It's very difficult to take the first step away from someone. At times it feels like even a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all (I speak from experience). Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do.

Each day will get better, as you are finding. It always helps if you can find something to celebrate in each day: a sunrise, a pretty flower, a song on the radio, having a piece of chocolate. I'm not talking about sonnets and symphonies, I'm talking about things you may have overlooked the past while. If you can find joy in the small things, imagine how much better things will be when the big things come along.

The layers will come off over time and you will go through quite a learning process, but you will come out such a better person and you, too, will be offering a shoulder to someone who is going through what you already have.

Good luck, and congratulations!

Hello again. It's almost 12:30am. I'm up at this time, because I got home around midnight from a holiday party and I need a little time to wind down and be able to fall asleep. The holiday party was hosted by a non-profit organization which our cirlce of friends attend their functions or events on a regular basis. I had a nice time. It used to be that at these gatherings, I would go and always have an eye out on my friend/partner to see who is talking to them or who they're talking to and etc. Luckily, my friend did not show up and I was happy. I was alot more relaxed. I was concerned how I should act and be and what should I say if we passed by each other at the gathering. But good thing they were not there. I do wish sometimes if someone could rest assure me I would never see my friend again. It would just put my mind at ease. This way I could completely put the past behind. I also imagine if my friend came up to me or ran into me during one of these gatherings and started making small talk...I don't think I have the heart to be cold and mean towards them and be the same way they were towards me. I'm just not like that towards anybody. I actually would have to work on being like that and I dont know if I can do that.






It's very difficult to take the first step away from someone. At times it feels like even a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all (I speak from experience). Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do.

Each day will get better, as you are finding. It always helps if you can find something to celebrate in each day: a sunrise, a pretty flower, a song on the radio, having a piece of chocolate. I'm not talking about sonnets and symphonies, I'm talking about things you may have overlooked the past while. If you can find joy in the small things, imagine how much better things will be when the big things come along.

The layers will come off over time and you will go through quite a learning process, but you will come out such a better person and you, too, will be offering a shoulder to someone who is going through what you already have.

Good luck, and congratulations

Dear Entices1,

Hope you're doing well. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I'll be spending Christmas with family in San Diego - I have 2 older brothers both of whom have their own families. It's great. I have 2 nephews and 1 niece. It's going to be great.

On the other hand, I had a real tough time over last weekend. A small circle of our friends decided to get together for tea and invited me and my ex-friend. I really had a tough time deciding if I can handle seeing my friend specially in such a close setting as sitting around a table and having afternoon tea. Nonetheless, I decided to. However, I found out from our mutual friend that when my ex-friend heard I was coming, they decided to not show up. I'm not sure exactly why - whether they just hated to be on the same table and sitting across from me or whether they couldn't handle the situation like I was. In anycase, I started to feel bad because I thought my friend must be going a difficult time like I am. Then I heard later that they're actually throwing a christmas party this weekend and invited all of my friends. Ofcourse I was not expecting to be invited but it just hurt me that it appears that they're moving on with their lives and I'm still kind of stuck and hurting a bit and I felt bad that they decided not to show up to tea. And yesterday was a real difficult day for me. I really hope I will get over this permanently and quickly.