Hello, I am 20 years old and suffer from bipolar disorder. I got a new girlfriend a week ago and she is bipolar as well. I have always had trouble with feelings. My own feelings, actually. I am a very manipulative person and can make others cry or feel devastated when I want to. It is extremely rare that I go that far, but I know I am capable of it. Dont get me wrong though, I consider myself a good person, struggling with this desire to manipulate others instead of reaching a real agreement on whatever subject. The thing is, I can very easily identify other peoples feelings and toss them around, but I cannot get in touch with my own. So right now I have 2 main problems:
1- I dont want to try and manipulate my girlfriend, I really want to listen to her without seeing every small confession as a potential weapon to my favor.
2- I have no idea what it is I feel, and dont know if thats fine or I should do something.
I am very disoriented by entering a "real" close relationship, instead of exercising this"keep your enemies closer" belief. I have tried talking to her about my confusion, but she says its nonsense and I should be that way. I have realized that she doesnt like to deal with the fact that she is bipolar, tried to kill herself as well as I did, and that life is not a rose garden. She pretends to be perfectly fine, and hides most of her feelings, be it a cheerful one or a sad one. I think she is afraid to get in touch with her feelings, out of fear that they will overtake her, just like it happened to me 2 years ago. Yesterday I cried for the first time in 2 years I believe. And only through one eye, dont know if that means something. It was not allergies though, heh. I was alone and felt alone. Kept picturing my own death over and over again, different every time. It was never fast, but instead one filled with agony. And for some reason she was always there, and all I could do was smile. But the truth is I am tired of smiling. I cant take it anymore. I feel that if I smile one more time my face will start bleeding. By the way, we are both under psychiatric treatment and at least mine has stabilized already. I dont know if I am feeling this way because my mind refuses to accept an invader(that being my girlfriend) or maybe because while Im willing to let her in, she wont. Maybe Im expecting too much, that happens to me a lot. I expect too much from people, predict behaviors. By what she has told me so far about her, I have enough weapons to destroy her, and the fact that Im thinking of that makes me feel bad. I dont want to destroy her, I want to know her! I dont know, maybe Im just full of !**@!, maybe Im afraid of something, maybe I should just walk away from her in order not to hurt her in the future. I came here for advice from people who ARE bipolar like me, and would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
I read what u had to say and yes I def think u are bipolar alright! lol, Why are u so mad or want to hurt people so bad? is it that something is bothering u? I am bipolar, borderline schitzo and have had my own share of episodes whether they are happy angry sad, whatever, but what I'm getting to is when I am rude to everyone and am angry with the world it is because there is something in me I am not satisfied with that I feel needs change. I take it out on others because my mood is just horrible and so am I.
Also bipolar people do fine when left alone and have some type of schedule, meaning they are constantly busy and doing things they have found to please them, now once this schedule "program" has been fiddled with like an interruption then comes a mood swing, what i'm saying is maybe u were fine and living ur life and then switched it when your girlfriend came along. I don't know u or anything but I am telling u something I've experienced. Maybe u should take ur relationship slower then a commitment. See it seems u have a problem trusting people or letting them in ur life and u know u have bad thoughts of destroying people so take it slow, if she is just ur associate or friend then u can't care if she is out to get u and u don't get those feeling, after u guys get to know each other and trust each other then u can feel comfortable.
it seems that u are trying to destroy urself by destroying those who are closest to u.
Also try to be more layed back, life is what it is try to get a dif view of things. just because u feel people are against u doesn't mean they are do u ever think u are paranoid?
Thank you for your reply. Indeed, I also believe I am loaded with self destruction attempts, even if I camouflage them from myself. Im taking it slow(the relationship) but doing my best to keep it steady. I guess the schedule rupture did affect me, plus I am also stressed out, having to take several acting tests in order to get into college, and this test that I guess is similar to the SATs next monday. Just trying to keep it together by thinking of something else when I feel down or forcing myself to do things that I know I have fun doing, even if they are the last activity I want to do at that moment. Lets see how this day goes for me, thanks again for your reply, see ya =)