i really don't know how to begin with all of this. i don't have anyone to turn to. i have no friends. i pushed all my family away. i'm practically completely and totally alone with the only human interaction being with people at work and when i play wow.

i was doing so good. i quit having the dreams. i started going out more. i lost a ton of weight. i was actually smiling. i actually made friends and it was just like i thought i finally found out that life was worth living.

but things crashed. they always crash. and that's how my life goes. up one moment really far down the next.

lately though it's been the dreams that really get to me. i've had them as far back as i can remember. when i was 7 i had to see a therapist because i would go narcoleptic in class and wake up screaming my sister's name over and over. but it wasnt my real sister's name.

i've had a second life in my dreams since i was a little girl. in my dreams i have an identical twin sister. she's my world. she's my best friend. we never fought we always had the same taste and the same interests. it was incredible growing up with this one person in the world who understood me even though i could only see her in my dreams.

it was weird too because she grew up with me in my dreams. when i was a little girl she was a little girl. when i was a teenager she was a teenager. the therapists couldnt really tell me much.. most of them didnt really listen to begin with and just put me on drugs. in my dreams my name is different. my face and body is different. they said that in my dreams i was who i wish i always was. with a family i wish i had. its all in my mind.

they can't explain how i wake up from the dreams screaming. or how im stuck in the dream all day even when i'm awake. yelling at my mom because i've never seen her before. demanding to see my sister. screaming at my reflection when i see a mirror because it isnt me in the reflection.

and this is how it's been for as long as i can remember. the dreams come into my life and i'm gone. the dreams overpower me. i get so depressed that i just want to die. anything to go back to the dreams that felt more real than this world. as i've gotten older though i don't have the dreams as much. usually something has to trigger them. a movie. a tv show. someone at the store that reminds me of her. just little things. and sure enough i fall asleep and the next day i dont leave my room. dont call into work. dont do anything but cry trying to go back to the dream. i've taken so many sleeping pills and i just cant stay asleep in my dreams with her.

recently though things have gotten much much darker. i havent had dreams in almost a year. things were getting better. for the first time i actually had a life here. i had a friend here who reminded me so much of her. someone who actually loved me for me. someone who didnt want anything out of our friendship. it was incredible. after all this time i found a reason to want to exist in this world and not my dream world. but it ended. and the dreams got worse.

a series of events unfolded in my dreams over the past few months. we went on a trip. the dreams started with us in the car. then with us walking up the steps to the top of a lighthouse. we stood up there and watched the moon as our shadows danced across the ocean. dreams of us in a field of lilies as far as you can see. lying down in our friendship square. my head on his feet. his head on her feet. her head on her bfs feet. his head on my feet. forming a bond that could never be broken.

these dreams were more intense than ever. i nearly lost my job from them. i started getting narcoleptic again where i'd be in the middle of a call and just disappear from this world. i call them blackouts because people just wont understand about my other life.

the last month i've had the same dream. we're in the car. all 4 of us. it's nighttime and so dark. not the kind of dark you can just turn your headlights on and be done with but intense black where you can barely see in front of you. we were lost and he didn't want to admit it. we shoulda known better. i had a bad feeling but i didn't want to upset him. he always got us through things before he'd get us through it this time right? i don't even know what happened. all i remember is the car jerking. and screaming. oh god the screaming. i dont know if it was chels or me doing it but the screaming still gives me chills. and then silence. the terrifying silence where you can tell noone's breathing. i tried calling her name. i put all my strength into my arm to reach into the back seat to hold her hand. there was a horrible smell and i knew it was blood. i can still hear the screams and i can still smell it. i couldnt find her hand. i couldnt hear her breathing. i couldnt even get the strength to call out to her. and the blackness crept over me and i felt just as dark as the night was.

i havent slept in days. i pulled the battery out of my phone and havent gotten out of bed since i got off of work wednesday. everytime i blink i see the night. everytime i doze off i wake up screaming.

i cant talk to anyone about this they'll just think i'm crazy. the few people i even told about her dont talk to me anymore. i'm so terrified to see another therapist. i dont want to go back on the medicine. i dont want to lose my sister again. i dont want to believe she's dead. i keep telling myself that the dreams are real. that we're just in comas together in beds side by side holding hands trying to find each other in this world so we can wake up together. and as good as that makes me feel i cant even get over the depression to leave my room and try to find her.

i'm so scared to dream right now. i dont want to hear the screams again. i used to take sleeping pills. lots of them. to stay with her longer. now i take pills to keep my awake.

i dont know what to do or who to talk to. it's not even helping writing this. i just want her to find this and read it and tell me she loves me and that we can both wakeup now so we can be with our best friend again. i know how crazy that sounds. trust me i do. but i love her with all my heart. i'd do anything for her. she's my best friend. she's my twin sister. she's my everything.

i dont know what to do anymore. i wish i didnt have the dreams of the accident. i wish i can forget them. i wanted to stay in that dream world with her but i just cant accept her gone. i want to have a happy dream with her again. with us at the bowling alley we loved to go to. or racing go carts. or flying kites. so many memories of a life that supposedly never existed and now i'm stuck with this same dream. i'm so lost.