I am new here. I've been reading several
of the threads (including: "Thinking of
Dating Someone That Is Bipolar?") before
deciding to post a new topic myself.
I am from Europe, I am male, and the
reason for my posting here is my
girlfriend. We met 1 1/2 years ago, and I
fell deeply in love with this charming,
highly intelligent, attractive and
spirited young woman.
Although we don't live in the same town,
we started a relationship - probably the
most intense relationship I ever had. Soon
after that, it began: the craziest Up and
Down you could imagine, with some really
unbelievable episodes in it.
Maybe I will tell my story in more detail
another time. For now, I will just say
that this relationship took a lot - if not
all - of my energy, in this last year.
Ironically, most of the time I didn't even
know if I WAS in a relationship with her.
At the beginning I was shocked and hurt
when I was first confronted with her -
unpredictable and, to me, totally
unfounded - violent outbursts of anger and
aggression (which usually ended in her
declaring us to be irrevocably separated).
Three hours later she could be the most
charming and loving girl, acting as if
nothing had happened...
After a while I noticed this behaviour
became a regular pattern and I seriously
began to worry about her. I started doing
some research, and one day I suggested to
do an online psychological test for fun;
what I didn't tell her: it was a
BORDERLINE self test. I didn't tell her
because I thought the topic was too hot.
But I had to know. The result was she WAS
a Borderline Personality.
I kept this to myself because I didn't
want to make her feel bad (when she later
found out, she WAS furious, and of course
she never accepted the result.) I urged
her to see a therapist though, and she DID
accept that, also due to massive family
problems - especially with her mother who
must be an utter fury.
A few weeks later she told me she had seen
a psychiatrist who had diagnosed her with
BIPOLAR disorder (she insisted he had NOT
said anything about her having BPD).
Anyway, it was one of the last things she
told me in honesty about HER problems.
After that, and after starting a
psychotherapy, the only thing I heard
about it was that the real problem was MY
behaviour.
- I am still in love with her (compared to
her, "regular" women often seem dull to
me!). But right now I came to the
conclusion, this relationship is so
destructive that I should probably just
move on. I would love to help her but it
seems I am not the right person to do
this.
Just for the record, I want to make it
clear that I DON'T think I am the good
guy, and everything is her fault. I have
my issues as well, and I am not blaming
her (it was my own choice to stay with
her, wasn't it?). I just want to
UNDERSTAND. I would like to know what is
going on inside her when she is behaving
like that - treating me like her worst
enemy! It's like we have NO contact AT ALL
in these situations. And, whenever I asked
her what it is that she really wants I
NEVER got an answer.
I want to understand, to get SOME kind of
relief after all this craziness (forgive
me for using this word). I wonder if there
are others - especially men - with stories
like mine. I am particularly interested in
learning about the
differences/overlappings between
Borderline Personality Disorder and
Bipolar Disorder.
Kind regards to everyone!
|
MandMs
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2007 Posts: 2536 Location: , Europe
Thanks: 67
Thanked:18
Posted: 11-27-07 08:28am
Borderline Personality Disorder often
occurs together with other psychiatric
problems, particularly bipolar disorder
(the rates of bipolar disorder in the BPD
patients are under 20 percent and the
co-occurrence of bipolar disorder did not
worsen the course of BPD over years) ,
depression, anxiety disorders, substance
abuse, and other personality disorders.
Many BPD patients like your girlfriend
receive only a diagnosis of bipolar
disorder and the two diagnoses generally
are treated with different approaches.
Psychosocial interventions are important
in the treatment of BPD, whereas
medication is generally the first choice
for bipolar disorder.
Does your girlfriend have a history of
abuse, neglect, or separation as young
child?
Does she have suicidal behavior?
Is she having chronic feelings of
emptiness, worthlessness?
|
AEIOU
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Hi Mandms! Posted: 11-27-07 10:47am
Thank you for your interest. Trying to
answer your questions:
- ABUSE: as far as I know, there was none;
at least she never told me about any.
- SUICIDIAL BEHAVIOUR: she threatened with
suicide 2 or 3 times - that was in the
first months of our relationship. I was
quite upset then, wanted to call the
ambulance. It was very melodramatic, and I
noticed that she was making sure I grasped
the seriousness of the situation.
It was really distressing because she kind
of joked about it, and I had to physically
force the bottle with the pills from her
which she threatened to swallow all at
once. At the same time I could not get rid
of the feeling that she was playing one of
her games with me.
Another time I found the pills hidden in
her bathroom - the very pills that she had
told me on the phone that she HAD eaten
the night before...
Yes, it sounds as if this was only a
strategy to get the attention; on the
other hand I've heard you should take
every threat of suicide of any person
seriously, and that's what I did.
- NEGLECT: yes, I definitely think so.
According to my GF, when she was a child
her mother always used to answer the
question if she loved her, with "NO". She
spent part of her childhood with her
grandparents, whom she loves dearly.
My GF can be VERY manipulative, but her
mother must be the most manipulative
person I've ever heard of. Apparently, she
is giving her family hell, and always
was.
My GF still misses her mother's love and
is refusing to acknowledge the fact that
her mother is probably just not able to
give it. Her mother is a nurse, and she
tells me, the ONLY time she felt loved and
taken care of, was when she was ill.
The same kind of rejection that she
experienced from her mother is what I'm
getting from her now, I guess.
At the moment we have little contact. She
refused to see me when I last went to
visit her in September (I don't need to
tell HOW frustrating this kind of thing
is).
Still, it's obvious she wants a kind of
supportive love from me. She was
disappointed when I didn't contact her any
more. That was after she had told me she
did not want any more contact with me...
She is on some kind of medication now, and
she is also seeing a therapist. She is not
telling me about it though, except that
her therapist allegedly agreed that I am
to blame for many things.
Yesterday she phoned me. Apparently she
has problems with her work - she is
supposed to write her master thesis (she
is doing a postgraduate university course,
and her time is running out), and she told
me she is unable to even START writing,
since weeks.
I am worried - she always used to be so
smart and energetic and seems to be
different now. -
- Sorry, my answer turns out to be not as
concise as I intended.
Kind regards.
|
AEIOU
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Mandms Posted: 11-27-07 17:23pm
PS: as to "chronic feelings of emptiness,
worthlessness": I don't think she has
that.
Also, I don't think she ever took drugs;
she doesn't smoke, and hardly drinks
alcohol (at least, I never saw her drink
more than an occasional glass of wine, or
a Tequila).
|
pebbles07
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 37 Location: ,
Posted: 11-28-07 22:56pm
It must be hard for u to get in a
relationship with someone fall in love and
then find out they have a mental disorder.
U are not the only one this has happened
to trust me, my ex went through what ur
going through after a year or so in our
relationship when I started the cycle of
my crucial episodes. If u have the
pacience and the will then u can stick by
her through this, I understand she is not
ur wife or anything and ur not dealing
with the whole "in sickness or in health
til death due us part" thing but even just
as a friend stick around. Friends are
there for each other. It's hard and I am
sure when she gets angry with u she says
some really mean things that offend u but
it may get better. She is probably having
troubles with her homework because of the
medication it slows u down maybe til she
gets use to it.
|
MandMs
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2007 Posts: 2536 Location: , Europe
Thanks: 67
Thanked:18
Hi Aeiou! Posted: 12-03-07 04:33am
Why the most of the time you didn't even
know if you were in a relationship with
her?
How was she feeling about living in
different town?
Which situations usually makes her upset
and angry?
Was she blaming you even before she went
to a therapist?
|
AEIOU
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Hi! Posted: 12-03-07 13:04pm
Hi MandMs,
continuing the interview? OK, I'll do my best
to answer your questions:
1. It was like she always wanted to leave
everything open. - After her outbursts she
would usually break up the relationship
(never wanting to see me again). But she
would call again, the same day or the next
day, eventually being charming again,
saying she wanted to be with me & have
a child, things like that. This push-pull
game became periodic, with a break-up
scene every 2 weeks or so. After a while I
started to take not too seriously either
of the two tendencies.
2. I believe she actually prefered living
in a different place. - At one time she
got an interesting job offer in my town,
but she didn't accept, justifying it with
some excuse.
3. Usually minor things triggered her
anger outbursts - especially when she felt
criticized in any way or when she thought
I was questioning her motives; or when she
believed I was lying to her; or when I was
late. Sometimes I could not even remember
what had caused her explosion.
4. Yes and no, in an indirect way. - Right
from the beginning she stressed me by
telling me frequently how people around
her (mainly her mother but also friends)
strongly disapproved of me and her
relationship with me, and how much she
suffered from that disapprovement.
|
MandMs
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2007 Posts: 2536 Location: , Europe
Thanks: 67
Thanked:18
Posted: 12-11-07 05:33am
It's so hard to tell if someones acts are
due to mental disorders and needs meds to
be treated, or they didn't had a chance to
learn it differently through their life
due to family and other relationship
contacts, and needs somebody that can
guide them to different ways of dealing
with life.
You can confront her and state clearly
that you love her and wanna be with her
and that you are ready for successful
relationship with her despite ups and
downs.
Ask her if she is ready to go deeper
inside herself and make some changes
together with your help.
Don't relay on meds for her, suggest her
seeing a psychologist and having
psychotherapy, and also, offer yourself as
a part of that.
It's hard to take all the blame for
unhealthy relationship and on top of that
to be diagnosed with mental disorder.
Dealing with this together is the only way
to success.
OK, I'll do my best
to answer your questions: