Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bipolar <--> Borderline ?

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Q: Bipolar <--> Borderline ?

asked by: AEIOU on November 23rd, 2007

New User

Hi everybody!

I am new here. I've been reading several of the threads (including: "Thinking of Dating Someone That Is Bipolar?") before deciding to post a new topic myself.

I am from Europe, I am male, and the reason for my posting here is my girlfriend. We met 1 1/2 years ago, and I fell deeply in love with this charming, highly intelligent, attractive and spirited young woman.

Although we don't live in the same town, we started a relationship - probably the most intense relationship I ever had. Soon after that, it began: the craziest Up and Down you could imagine, with some really unbelievable episodes in it.

Maybe I will tell my story in more detail another time. For now, I will just say that this relationship took a lot - if not all - of my energy, in this last year. Ironically, most of the time I didn't even know if I WAS in a relationship with her.

At the beginning I was shocked and hurt when I was first confronted with her - unpredictable and, to me, totally unfounded - violent outbursts of anger and aggression (which usually ended in her declaring us to be irrevocably separated). Three hours later she could be the most charming and loving girl, acting as if nothing had happened...

After a while I noticed this behaviour became a regular pattern and I seriously began to worry about her. I started doing some research, and one day I suggested to do an online psychological test for fun; what I didn't tell her: it was a BORDERLINE self test. I didn't tell her because I thought the topic was too hot. But I had to know. The result was she WAS a Borderline Personality.

I kept this to myself because I didn't want to make her feel bad (when she later found out, she WAS furious, and of course she never accepted the result.) I urged her to see a therapist though, and she DID accept that, also due to massive family problems - especially with her mother who must be an utter fury.

A few weeks later she told me she had seen a psychiatrist who had diagnosed her with BIPOLAR disorder (she insisted he had NOT said anything about her having BPD). Anyway, it was one of the last things she told me in honesty about HER problems. After that, and after starting a psychotherapy, the only thing I heard about it was that the real problem was MY behaviour.

- I am still in love with her (compared to her, "regular" women often seem dull to me!). But right now I came to the conclusion, this relationship is so destructive that I should probably just move on. I would love to help her but it seems I am not the right person to do this.

Just for the record, I want to make it clear that I DON'T think I am the good guy, and everything is her fault. I have my issues as well, and I am not blaming her (it was my own choice to stay with her, wasn't it?). I just want to UNDERSTAND. I would like to know what is going on inside her when she is behaving like that - treating me like her worst enemy! It's like we have NO contact AT ALL in these situations. And, whenever I asked her what it is that she really wants I NEVER got an answer.

I want to understand, to get SOME kind of relief after all this craziness (forgive me for using this word). I wonder if there are others - especially men - with stories like mine. I am particularly interested in learning about the differences/overlappings between Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

Kind regards to everyone!

Replies(7)

MandMs

replied on November 27th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Borderline Personality Disorder often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder (the rates of bipolar disorder in the BPD patients are under 20 percent and the co-occurrence of bipolar disorder did not worsen the course of BPD over years) , depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
Many BPD patients like your girlfriend receive only a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the two diagnoses generally are treated with different approaches. Psychosocial interventions are important in the treatment of BPD, whereas medication is generally the first choice for bipolar disorder.

Does your girlfriend have a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young child?
Does she have suicidal behavior?
Is she having chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness?

AEIOU

replied on November 27th, 2007

New User

Hi Mandms!

Thank you for your interest. Trying to answer your questions:

- ABUSE: as far as I know, there was none; at least she never told me about any.

- SUICIDIAL BEHAVIOUR: she threatened with suicide 2 or 3 times - that was in the first months of our relationship. I was quite upset then, wanted to call the ambulance. It was very melodramatic, and I noticed that she was making sure I grasped the seriousness of the situation.

It was really distressing because she kind of joked about it, and I had to physically force the bottle with the pills from her which she threatened to swallow all at once. At the same time I could not get rid of the feeling that she was playing one of her games with me.

Another time I found the pills hidden in her bathroom - the very pills that she had told me on the phone that she HAD eaten the night before...

Yes, it sounds as if this was only a strategy to get the attention; on the other hand I've heard you should take every threat of suicide of any person seriously, and that's what I did.

- NEGLECT: yes, I definitely think so. According to my GF, when she was a child her mother always used to answer the question if she loved her, with "NO". She spent part of her childhood with her grandparents, whom she loves dearly.

My GF can be VERY manipulative, but her mother must be the most manipulative person I've ever heard of. Apparently, she is giving her family hell, and always was.

My GF still misses her mother's love and is refusing to acknowledge the fact that her mother is probably just not able to give it. Her mother is a nurse, and she tells me, the ONLY time she felt loved and taken care of, was when she was ill.

The same kind of rejection that she experienced from her mother is what I'm getting from her now, I guess.

At the moment we have little contact. She refused to see me when I last went to visit her in September (I don't need to tell HOW frustrating this kind of thing is).

Still, it's obvious she wants a kind of supportive love from me. She was disappointed when I didn't contact her any more. That was after she had told me she did not want any more contact with me...

She is on some kind of medication now, and she is also seeing a therapist. She is not telling me about it though, except that her therapist allegedly agreed that I am to blame for many things.

Yesterday she phoned me. Apparently she has problems with her work - she is supposed to write her master thesis (she is doing a postgraduate university course, and her time is running out), and she told me she is unable to even START writing, since weeks.

I am worried - she always used to be so smart and energetic and seems to be different now. -

- Sorry, my answer turns out to be not as concise as I intended.

Kind regards.

AEIOU

replied on November 27th, 2007

New User

Mandms

PS: as to "chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness": I don't think she has that.

Also, I don't think she ever took drugs; she doesn't smoke, and hardly drinks alcohol (at least, I never saw her drink more than an occasional glass of wine, or a Tequila).

pebbles07

replied on November 28th, 2007

New User

It must be hard for u to get in a relationship with someone fall in love and then find out they have a mental disorder. U are not the only one this has happened to trust me, my ex went through what ur going through after a year or so in our relationship when I started the cycle of my crucial episodes. If u have the pacience and the will then u can stick by her through this, I understand she is not ur wife or anything and ur not dealing with the whole "in sickness or in health til death due us part" thing but even just as a friend stick around. Friends are there for each other. It's hard and I am sure when she gets angry with u she says some really mean things that offend u but it may get better. She is probably having troubles with her homework because of the medication it slows u down maybe til she gets use to it.

MandMs

replied on December 3rd, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Hi Aeiou!

Why the most of the time you didn't even know if you were in a relationship with her?
How was she feeling about living in different town?
Which situations usually makes her upset and angry?
Was she blaming you even before she went to a therapist?

AEIOU

replied on December 3rd, 2007

New User

Hi!

Hi MandMs,

continuing the interview? Smile

OK, I'll do my best to answer your questions:

1. It was like she always wanted to leave everything open. - After her outbursts she would usually break up the relationship (never wanting to see me again). But she would call again, the same day or the next day, eventually being charming again, saying she wanted to be with me & have a child, things like that. This push-pull game became periodic, with a break-up scene every 2 weeks or so. After a while I started to take not too seriously either of the two tendencies.

2. I believe she actually prefered living in a different place. - At one time she got an interesting job offer in my town, but she didn't accept, justifying it with some excuse.

3. Usually minor things triggered her anger outbursts - especially when she felt criticized in any way or when she thought I was questioning her motives; or when she believed I was lying to her; or when I was late. Sometimes I could not even remember what had caused her explosion.

4. Yes and no, in an indirect way. - Right from the beginning she stressed me by telling me frequently how people around her (mainly her mother but also friends) strongly disapproved of me and her relationship with me, and how much she suffered from that disapprovement.

MandMs

replied on December 11th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

It's so hard to tell if someones acts are due to mental disorders and needs meds to be treated, or they didn't had a chance to learn it differently through their life due to family and other relationship contacts, and needs somebody that can guide them to different ways of dealing with life.
You can confront her and state clearly that you love her and wanna be with her and that you are ready for successful relationship with her despite ups and downs.
Ask her if she is ready to go deeper inside herself and make some changes together with your help.
Don't relay on meds for her, suggest her seeing a psychologist and having psychotherapy, and also, offer yourself as a part of that.
It's hard to take all the blame for unhealthy relationship and on top of that to be diagnosed with mental disorder.
Dealing with this together is the only way to success.

Best wishes!
Marija

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