my dad died 5 years ago during thanksgiving break of my freshman year of college. ever since then i feel like my life has been slowly falling downhill. my relationship with my mom and brother is way too complicated to even attempt to explain, but for all intensive purposes i will say that it is very strained. i was always the person in my life that believed that someday things would get better but they only seem to be getting worse. i try so hard to be this center of gravity and calm in my family, someone that can hold everything together and be some sort of stabilizer. no matter what i do, my life isn't changing for the better. i feel really lost and unbearably alone. i have a handful of close friends that are really wonderful in their own way but i don't feel like i can talk to them completely about the way i'm feeling. i hate making people feel sympathetic for me. it's not that i'm too big of a person for it, i just don't want to be in that situation. it's like my life is crumbling around me and there's nothing i can do about it, no matter what i do or what i tell myself. i want to be positive but i can't shake the feeling that i'm being punished. i'm trying so hard not to feel this way but there's nothing i can do to stop it. i don't know what to do... or where to turn.