jeffsgirl09,
you just described my life to a very sad T. I blew out my back 3 years ago at work and had to have a fusion in L5/S1. Just a few months prior to injuring my back, I had broken my foot in 3 places when I smashed it with a 2ltr bottle of pop on a wooden floor while doing dishes. It did other damage the doctors didn't know about until recently. I have been on pain meds solid for those 3 years. At one time I was on about 9 different meds including fentynyl 100mg every 3 days, oxy 60mg er, oxy 15mg 2 at a time up to 6 times a day (up to 180 every two weeks), gabapentine (900mg a day), muscle relaxers, and anti depressants (didn't help at all). I am off of it all, on my own, accept the oxy er and oxy ir. I quit it all cold turkey at once. That was a very bad week and I can't do that again!
Last month, after almost 3 years of begging for an mri of my foot my ankle finally ruptured. As I said, I had additional damage from the broken foot that went unchecked because docs wouldn't listen. After coming out of surgery for reconstruction of my entire foot it was like they had given me nothing for the pain as my body was so use to the meds and they couldn't give me more, safely. I was in so much pain I was writhing on the bed moaning for an entire day before I knocked my self out with muscle relaxers for a week as I couldn't take the pain.
If I don't take the oxy my back kills me, but I am so sick of being tired, grouchy, and miserable. It has also affected, as many of you have mentioned, my bowel system. My husband can't stand me anymore. He says I am not who he married. Of course not, I am in pain 24/7. That takes it toll on a person quickly. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? My loyalty to him over the years seems to have just disappeared in his head. Never mind I put up with his verbal and mental abuse for years before getting my back hurt. (We have been together for over 20 years.) In the last few years he has tried very hard to be a better person and treat me better after we almost split, but now that I am injured he is so unsupportive and acts like he is so much better than I am because he has "turned over a new leaf" in his behavior. I am really going through a hard time right now and I feel like I have NO support. I also feel like I am nothing but a burden to everyone and I am afraid my kids will hate me when they get older. He assures me that I am not a burden when I tell him how I feel, but that is not how he acts.
I want to stop taking the meds so I can get my energy back and try to be who I was again, but it hurts so much when I do. I know my body is dependent on the meds and I will let myself get all the way to withdrawal symptoms most days before I take them for pain, but by the time it gets to that the withdrawal symptoms have made me sick and the pain is uncontrollable. I don't know what to do. I wish I could get the suboxen on my own to try it as I don't want to talk to my pain specialist about it because I am afraid she won't prescribe my meds again for me if the suboxen doesn't work or the pain is too severe to go without the. I would like to try the suboxen to see if I can survive the pain on my own without involving my doctor, but I don't know how to do it. Is there any herb, other medicine, or anything else out there that I wouldn't need a script for?
My other issue for not talking to my doctor about it is that the injury was work comp and I am fearful of what they would use against me to cost me my teaching job with the meds I am on.
Other than being tired, my meds do not affect my teaching, but I have cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars medically and legally and I know they would hose me if possible. They already tried to prove I was faking by having me and my children followed and videotaped. They not only thought I was faking, but thought I was working another job on the side while taking work comp money. Not true! I was off work for almost an entire year and missed another year half time. I have 2 doctors that have told me I shouldn't be working more than 4 hours a day, but the comp docs wouldn't admit to that as all of their practice is work comp related and it would have cost them their contract. My care is being run by the lawyers and not my doctor but I can't change the docs as the work comp company has the legal right to send me to who they want and in Kansas I have NO rights!
I never thought my life would turn out this way and I am to the point of wondering if it is even worth it anymore.
I am so sick of hurting, physically and mentally. I am just completely drained. I need help and someone to talk to but I have no one and no where to turn.
Signed Desperate to live again!