Here's my story...Maybe someone can help...All my life I have been about 5'2" and about 100 lbs--never thougth about food, really small frame, but great metabolism, athletic, and very normal and happy. Freshman year in college I gained a few pounds--reached about 107-110. For the first time I became aware of my weight which wasn't ever an issue until this point. Then I dropped a few pounds until I was about 102-105 for the entire next year and was really happy with it.
This school year, I was pretty active and health-conscious but definitely not trying to lose weight. I was still about 102 and was very happy with it. I didn't think I was fat, yet I did live in a sorority, and I guess probably wasn't eating enough for my metabolism or something, because most of hte girls in my house could survive on salad, while I have always been able to eat a lot. I was living with a roommate who I could swear ate almost nothing a day but didn't lose any weight, and there are plenty of ppl around me who either have had or have currently anorexia or bulimia--either very blatantly or very hidden, at a very competitive university. Anyway, even though other people & my family thought I was eating enough, I wasn't because at the end of the quarter I was weighing about 90 lbs. But even my best friends, including guys, didnt think I was anorexic.
Now for the last 3 months, I have pretty much maintained my weight at 90 lbs, which is definitely underweight for me. I have tried to gain weight--unsuccessfully. I really want to gain weight-- I want to make it back to what I was before, and I really look in the mirror and get disgusted. However, I can't seem to gain weight healthily. Ever since I decided to gain weight (about 2 months ago) I find myself almost to the level of binging, although I don't ever purge. I have never vomited, used diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, etc. But still this binging makes me feel guilty and frustrated, and I can't be healthy about putting the weight back on. It's like I freak out when I see myself and tell myself to binge and eat a lot (a few thousand calories) and then I go to sleep. I was wondering if this story is similar to anyone else--is it anorexia? Or is it bulimia? Or is it both? I'm getting investigated for other medical conditions meanwhile, but I can't figure out what is wrong with me right now and its frustrating me. I haven't lost any weight in the past 3 months which is good, but I feel like this strong desire to gain weight now is leading to bulimia-like symptoms (although no purging, at least yet).
I have a feeling that once I reach my normal set-point weight, if I can find help to not think about weight, I will never be fat, but I need to gain that weight first, and I need to do so healthily--and then find some way to not worry about it anymore.

Any suggestions? Any help?