this is a fantasy of mine and I find that people who give advice based on zero experience and a judgemental perspective would do better to stay quiet. If you have had the experience then give advice if you haven't don't judge - I love my wife very much but she is not my property and why wouldn't I be happy for her if getting made love to by another man turned her on - if the only reason your wife is your wife is because she doesn' know better and you don't want to open that door - then is that love? I don't think so. In my case my wife is not interested so I don't push, sad for me, but she is happy that way and because I love her that is the way it is.

Hey Skirabbit
Let me make sure I under stand you correctly. While you've not had a threesome outside of your fantasy you're completely endorsed to advocate behavior that relationship experts continuously advise against, However the one person in this thread who's objected based opinion rather than personal experience would do better to stay quiet?? Just to make sure isn't that a Red Flag for you too?

Wolf you misunderstand - I am not judging nor endorsing just questioning the motives people with no experience give. People talk about love when what they are doing is not loving. You are of course entitled to your opinion - and if you can provide some reference to back up your claim which is not based on religious grounds I would be happy to read it.

Hey skirabbit
You misunderstand. I am judging. You're talking about a fantasy. This isn't about what you know. You've got the Dear Penthouse Forum version of a threesome in your mind. Everybody gets together with big grins, nobody freaks out at the last second and starts a fight with you. After you and your wife pass out with big happy smiles the third person evaporates without getting obsessed. Neither or your wife get attached, clean happy finish. Thinking a threesome is dangerous isn't about not knowing your partner, it's about not knowing anything. It's about not really knowing where the trust ends between two people until you cross that line. It's about not knowing who you are until you're past the point of no return with this. It's about whole different sets of consequences of choosing a lover between when you're single and when you're involved, married, a parent. Everyone who's had a threesome was sure going in that it wasn't a big deal but only some of them, as you can read here, were right.

Wolf of course what you say makes a lot of sense - that is why it would be interesting to hear about peoples real experiences instead of opinions and conjecture. It is just very hard to find the "truth" - you make some very good points - in fact when ever I have looked at potential candidates there has never been one for a variety of reasons - maybe there will always be a reason to keep the fantasy a fantasy - however I have also read the opposite how something like this did wonders for a relationship - I suppose there is no wrong or right answer for everyone - it is a matter for each couple to decide what is right for them.

I tend to think both Wolf and Skirabbit are on to something, here. While one can conjecture endlessly over the possible detriments of engaging in threeway encounters, those concerns are only realized or dispelled after you've "rolled the dice," so to speak. And, of course, it really is a gamble. You can't know with any certainty how you or your partner will feel. But it's my opinion that, regardless of the outcome, the gamble pays off precisely because you now have the opportunity to learn something new about yourself. Why are you feeling jealous? Is it a "penis thing"? Are you frightened of being humiliated? Are you scared that you are opening a pandora's box of unpredictable sexual behavior? In the end, I think you two are quite right. These sorts of questions aren't answered until afterwards. You won't know until you know. But what I'm getting at *here* is that the emotional associations you've established with threeway sex -- be it disgust, anxiety, or interest and excitation -- can be remarkable learning tools. We North Americans often fail to make use of these tools because we aren't very reflective people. If you're disgusted, inquire into your disgust. If you're interested in threesomes, then why are you interested? How will engaging in threeway sex serve your relationship? How will it bring you and your partner closer together?

In these kinds of chat forums, the vaguely implied (but seemingly unanswerable) question is "should you have a threesome or not?" But I don't think that's an interesting question, and I don't think there's a useful answer either. *My point* is that threesomes are ideal activities for drawing on our emotional resources as learning tools, because they tend to raise so many intense feelings in people. So, in the spirit of learning, perhaps I can end with a few questions rather than a definitive answer....

Those of you considering a threesome, try asking yourselves the following questions: Ask, "What do I expect to gain here by participating in a threesome?" Will it deepen my relationship? My marriage? Do I want to share our love with another person? Why? Do I want to explore another person's body? Is there an element of abuse? Do I want to watch my wife defile herself? Do I want to be defiled?

If you ask these sorts of questions -- that is, questions pertaining to actual "feel" your desires have, rather than asking "is it right or wrong?" questions -- you can learn more about yourself as an idiosyncratic sexual entity. You'll also be able to communicate more clearly with your partner on why you want (or don't want) to engage in a threesome with them.

Similarly, if you are digusted at the idea of threeway encounters, inquire into the nature of your disgust. Visualize the disgusting act. What disgusts you about it? How does it disgust you? Where in your body do you feel your disgust? If you ask these sorts of feeling-oriented questions, rather than simply falling back into the religious and ethical beliefs you've acquired from your community, you can get closer to the heart of the matter. You can really start to understand not only *what* you want, but *why* you want it. And isn't that the point of sexual exploration? To pursue greater and more glorious heights of (mutual?) satisfaction?

Hi Good Samaritan - I like your email - the thinking man´s view The million dollar question is - have you tried it? It seems so difficult to talk to people who are experienced to get a balanced view - you either find accounts on swingers sites where of course they are all positive - or sites like this full of strong opinions not based on a real experience.

ciao

Ski

Is there a negative experience in this thread that isn't based on a personal experience??

Honestly Ski, if you've got the right kind of relationship for it, it's one hell of a lot of fun.

Goodsamaritan brings up some excellent points.

Failure of a relationship after a threesome does not come from the actual act of the threesome. It comes after the fact when our own personal insecurities in our relationship come to a head.

So much of the time people cannot separate a sex act from love. Sex does not equal love, it just enhances sex. It is possible to have mind blowing sex with someone you don't love then walk away. People will suffer through rotten sex all the time with someone they love. So, just because someone else brings your partner to orgasm doesn't necessarily mean they are ready to leave you in the light of day. It's the jealousy and insecurity in ourselves that make our partner walk away. Our inability to separate emotion from physical is what makes threesomes dangerous. It takes a certain kind of personality to watch or join your partner being pleasured by someone that's not you and be ok with that. It's not just the couple either. Threesome...three. There is another person there. Sometimes the third cannot separate. People tend to overlook the thirds emotions.

So much to consider. Threesomes are not for everyone but they are not for judgment either. IMO, couples that engage in threesomes successfully tend to have stronger relationships. They are communicating beyond what is considered "normal" They are successful because they are open and honest and aren't afraid to let their partner know what they are thinking and feeling. Not saying that couples that don't engage in threesomes don't communicate, just saying that it takes a certain, more intimate level of communication to tell your partner you want to have sex with someone else and want them to join and actually take pleasure in your partners pleasure even if it's being giving by someone or something that's not you.