I have been together with my girlfriend
for 1½ years now and during the last 2
months we have had some serious problems
regarding me watching porno. She caught me
in the act a couple of months ago. Prior
to that we really haven’t talked about
what we thought about porno but after she
caught me she said she didn’t want me to
look at porn and I said that I would stop
because she was very upset about it. But
then she caught me again. I said ok, if I
do it again I'll tell you and she said it
is ok to do it without porn by myself. But
stupid as I am I watched porn again last
Wednesday and she had a look through my
"Internet history" and found out about
it.
I explained that it's really hard for me
to stop doing something I have done since
I was 14 or so. I am from Denmark so I
also explained to her that I think the
opinions about porno are very different
from what they are where me and her live
now, Scotland (she was born in Scotland)
and what they are in Denmark. (We have
naked beaches, real porn magazines in
every small kiosk (showing everything),
porn DVDs in every Blockbuster etc..) I
told her that all my Danish friends
watches porn as well and that my dad who
is happily living with my mum has a huge
collection of DVDs.
She then said that it really hurts her
because it's disrespectful and how could
she trust me when I’m lying like that.
Normally we are really happy together. We
haven’t had any major fights apart from
this one and we both really enjoy spending
time together. We both want to find a
solution to this but I don’t know if I
can just stop like that which also made me
ask her if it is okay if I just do it once
when she has her period. But unfortunately
its not okay with her and she doesn’t
think our relationship will work if I look
at porn. I can't really promise her not to
look at porn as I have definitely blown
that.
So where do we go from here?
I hope this is not the end
|
SmokeAndMirrors
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: ,
Posted: 11-17-07 06:59am
The lying thing needs to stop. Don't give
her your word if you can't keep it. =/
She clearly has strong opposition, so best
you can do here is pick apart her logic.
As long as it's nothing fetish-based or
extreme, I happen to think porn can
enhance a couple's sex life, especially a
healthy relationship where both people
love each other.
You didn't say what your girlfriend's
problem was, some people (mostly women)
HATE porn in general, others just dislike
their partners watching it. Actually, at
times if your partner is religious, porn
is a mortal sin. Is she religious? O.O
It's understandable that she might feel
insecure that you're viewing other women
(often they're young, flawless and
insatiable), and she assumes you'll
fantasize about them, not her. Almost like
things would progress to real life
cheating. She fears you'll compare her to
the porn girls, or think less of her. You
need to both reassure her, and respect
these facts. It's not something she can
control, really.
I mean, you can live without porn, but
it's a question of willpower on your part.
I certainly wouldn't suggest lying about
these things, 'cause if she does find out
then ouch.
You need to get her to understand that
it's not cheating, it's not rejection, it
isn't like you're hiding it, right? You
shouldn't be anything less than open about
the fact you find watching porn as an
acceptable thing. A lot of couples either
have an understanding about porn, or even
watch it together.
You must understand that she equates you
watching porn as being almost as bad as if
you were talking online with other women.
This isn't going to be something you can
change her views on overnight.
|
JohnDoe84
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-17-07 08:56am
I know I shouldn't lie and I feel like a
big fool for doing that. I don't think
much about it when I’m watching it but
then it's hard for me to tell her about it
because her views on this are so different
to mine and I knew it would cause a lot of
trouble. But yeah it does make me want to
dig a hole and bury myself.
Her opinion about porn is that she hates
it and she thinks it’s really sick and
even went as far as to compare me with a
druggie. She is raised in a Christian
family and went to church every Sunday and
hung out with friends from the church when
she was younger. She doesn’t go to
church anymore but still hangs out with
people she knows from back then and she
believes in God and all that.
I don't watch extreme stuff like sm.
Mostly teen porno (where they usually are
20ish). I am 23 so I don't see anything
wrong with that and my normal “Danish”
environment wouldn’t judge me for doing
so. My girlfriend has a busy life studying
law and has 2 jobs so we don't have that
much time together and sometimes I just
need to get my thoughts away from what my
2. head thinks and that's why I watch it I
guess (to get the pressure out). I could
probably do it without porn, but it's just
so easy to get access to and it feels
better. I guess that devil has sat on my
shoulder for way too long. I love her just
as much as I always have, even if I watch
porn. Porn is just a fantasy and has
nothing to do with real life. It’s like
a tool that helps me now and then.
I'd like some suggestions that could help
me not watching porn; because that's the
only solution I can think of. I feel a bit
like an addict although the problem is
more of a gap in our opinions than
anything else.
|
SmokeAndMirrors
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: ,
Posted: 11-17-07 15:07pm
Ah, so she is religious. =/
Oh I agree it's just fantasy. Personally I
have no issue with porn, like I mentioned,
but for a lot of people it's comparable to
cheating.
If you want to stop, find an alternative
to entertain you while your girlfriend
isn't around. Watch movies, exercise, go
out with friends, anything that gets you
away from the computer -where you'd be
tempted. That'll help get you out of your
routine, and hopefully after a while you
won't even need porn. :p
You could also use your imagination when
"taking the pressure off", doesn't really
matter about the fantasy, but it can be
just as effective.
Stopping does seem like the best solution.
I'm not sure you'll convince your
girlfriend to chill out. I mean, you could
still try to talk to her about it, explain
things as you've explained them here: that
you don't think of it as much more than
she would of a random movie on TV. It's
just something you're used to.
Guys are much more visual creatures than
women, and unlike a lot of women they
kinda do tend to need that release. Random
idea, but would she object to you viewing
written erotica? Not as graphic as videos,
but it's an idea.
Ultimately, it's your choice. You say you
love her so maybe use that as your
willpower. This is one difference in
opinion that you need to tread carefully
around, especially since she seems to
adverse to porn. It'll take a while to get
out of the habit of watching it, so if you
can't convince her at all, just let her
know you're willing to give it up.
|
lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 592 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Posted: 11-17-07 15:18pm
I was going to answer your questions, but
not after the great job by
SmokeAndMirrors. She has explained
everything perfectly, so I'll defer to her
knowledge.
|
JohnDoe84
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-18-07 08:58am
We have sorted things out now. We decided
to give this relationship another shot and
I have to quit porn completely. So yeah
I'll try and occupy myself with other
things as you brilliantly suggested
SmokeAndMirrors.
Thank you so much for your help! It was
really helpful
|
SmokeAndMirrors
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 23 Location: ,
Posted: 11-18-07 10:27am
Very welcome.
Glad you've worked things out. ^_^
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Makoto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jul 2006 Posts: 273 Location: Japan
Posted: 11-29-07 18:51pm
Not that you should break up over porn,
but I think the issue is bigger than that.
I think you will find you two are
different, and maybe should not continue
the relationship. What is next on the list
for you to give up???
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Lilypad
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 1043 Location: Ohio, USA
Well... Posted: 12-10-07 22:23pm
I think this is a time where you need to
decide which is most important. If my
husband wanted to watch porn all the time
and WAS LYING about it I would definitely
have a problem with that. I think he fact
that you are hiding it makes you look like
you have a sex addiction possibly. Why
can't you give something up that offends
your wife /gf (I dont remember) so much?
The question you need to ask yourself is
WHich is more important. If you cannot
stop on your own you need to talk to a
therapist of some sort.
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 12-11-07 00:54am
Makoto
wrote:
Not that you should break up
over porn, but I think the issue is bigger
than that. I think you will find you two
are different, and maybe should not
continue the relationship. What is next on
the list for you to give
up???
Is it really the end of the world to not
watch porno?
Personally, my husband and I watch porno,
I watch porno, he watches porno. However,
if you discontinue a relationships of ANY
kind with another human being because of
your porn hobby, then you have a problem
and you should get counseling.
|
ladyT02
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 237 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:3
Posted: 12-14-07 01:51am
I like watching porn, but my boyfriend
says he doesn't...yea rite lol maybe he
doesn't I don't kno. But I don't think
your girlfriend should be so upset about
it. If you watch porn that's cool, as long
as it doesn't interfier wit your sex life
between you and your girl she shouldn't
complain. I wish my guy would like to
watch porn wit me
