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I Need Help With My Spouse Before Its Too Late, Please?

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Hi
i'm new at this, but I really need some advice.
My spouse has a problem, mentally. She keeps putting us in debt, which is linked to her problem. She tells every body that she has enough money to pay our bills, but she writing bad checks, stealing money from me, using my credit cards illegally and so on. The only reasons I think its a mental disorder is that one, half the time she honestly doesn't remember doing it, she has several bi polar symtoms (and it runs in her family), and she lies, constantly, even to me or when she doesn't have too.She even moved us on a drop of a dime across country. She told me 5 days before she left, said she would send for me once things where set up, called a week later saying she didn't want me to come, and 5 hours later changed her mind. So here I am, not wanting too leave because I know she is at least bi polar, but really scared that were losing every thing, finding account statements that are overdrawn, when she said that we had money. She's slipping back into the cold, lying personality. Please help, I don'y want to leave or lose her! Sad
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replied April 9th, 2004
I am sorry for what is happening to your marriage. I can some what relate. My husband is the same when it comes to money. I use to have a checking account. I had to close it b/c he was stealing checks. Even after I closed the checking account, he was still using the old checks and buying stuff with them. Now my credit is to hell. There is no way I can own a credit card, he would really put us in debt. And cash, I have to hide it. It has diffenetly put a strain on our marriage. I feel like i'm the parent, and he's my teenage son or something. As far as the bi-polar thing, I don't know what to tell you. Have you told your wife how you felt? Maybe you two should try counceling and through that you can figure out if she is in fact bi-polar. They could put her on medication and hopefully that will help out. I'm sorry I am not much help. If your wife is bi-polar at least that would explain why she takes money. My husband doesn't have an excuse.
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replied April 10th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Advice;

1) get rid of credit cards & cancel all accounts that she can use.

2) give her a small amount of cash for daily needs & you do all shopping.

3) see if there are any support groups for families of people with mental health issues in your area - this is for you.

4) see if she will attend counselling with you &/or alone.

5) see if there's a support group for her & then see if she'll attend.

6) if you can't get the above going you may need to consider separating for your sake & hers as it may bring her to her senses. "hard love".
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replied May 17th, 2004
Hi there,
as a fellow suffering significant other (welll....Actually he is now out of my life, due to the lies) I soooo understand what u are going through!! I wish I would have been able to get some support earlier...Perhaps I would hve saved myself a whole lot of pain, but what ifs are pointless.
So your spouse hasn't actually been diagnosed?? If that is the case, she obviously isn't being treated, correct? As far as advise, protect yourself!!! Don't fall into the trap of believing based on your emotions. Set bounderies, and try to stick with them for your protection. Educate yourself about the disorder, and mental disorders in general. It is what finally made me able to 'see', and learn the truth I sooooo wanted to avoid. But we can be lied to for just so long, be used for just so long, be stripped of our dedication. I certainly didn't want to make the choice I made, but for my own sanity, I had to close the door, because his lies and deciept reached a level I could no longer accept.
Without more info I can only have my opinion. But...Even if there is a diagnosis in place, it sounds to me like there is more than just the bi polor issues. I have several awesome sites with info if you are interested. Let me know, it is very painful caring for someone who is bi polar/borderline, or any other mental illness....It just plain hurts.
Best of luck to you,
cor
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replied July 10th, 2004
From the Other Side....
I am on the other side of this. I put my husband thru hell. Major credit card debts (some in his name), lied on a regular basis and lived in major denial. Looking back now, I still cringe and am deeply ashamed of everything I did. Long story, short...Things came to a head and he said get in treatment or move on. That was four years ago and things are so much better. First, I had to accept that I had a major problem. I have been in treatment on my own since then and we also attend couples counseling to help with our communication issues (venus/mars issues). I do not have or use credit cards and will not ever bring another debt into our marriage without discussing it with him. I may never be financially responsible, but I recognize that. My paychecks go into an account that I don't have access to. I have a portion of my pay directed into a separate account for my own spending. It is a mutually agreed upon amount and more than adequate. If I need more for whatever reason, we discuss it. It has been a long, hard road and I still beat myself up mentally all the time for what I did but more importantly, he loved me through it all. He is still here today. I travel occasionally and that is the only time I have possession of a credit card and I know I will be proving myself for a long time that I won't ever go down that road again. I even got a second job, which I worked at for two + years to help replace our depleted savings account thanks to my recklessness.

If your spouse is willing to acknowledge that they have a problem and take responsibility for their action and seek treatment, things can change. Being on the right medication has also made a huge difference for me. If they aren't willing to accept responsibility, then cut your losses. I hate to advocate divorce, especially since I am blessed that my husband stuck with me and has been an active participant in my ongoing treatment. But sometimes hard love is what it takes.

Sc
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replied July 13th, 2004
Hi helpless,

i think you should tell your wife you have had enough and tell her get some help or else. It might be the wake up call she needs. She definitly sounds bipolar to me....Forgetting she even spent the money. I would be on a high and spend all the money we would have. I would rationalize it by saying to myself we can pay it next week......The bills. Then when I would come off my high I would feel so bad and take as much as I could back to the store. Sounds like your wife has more ups than downs if she is allways spending money, if she is bipolar sounds like she is bipolar type 1 (more ups than downs). I am bipolar type 2 I have more lows than ups, and my ups dont last as long as lows. But when I come off a high I crash, I feel drained and just plain blah. Hope I have helped in some way. Huuuugs bren
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replied February 17th, 2011
hello,

just looking for some advice my wife was diagnosed when she was 18 with bipolar (and it runs in her family), bipolar. i meet her in 2000 her it is 2011 and we are going on our 4th kid every time she gets prego she goes crazy on me and leave..and makes up lies about me say i am abuse to her when she get mad at me over the littles stuff.....she sleeps all day and up all nite....i told her she needs some help and she tells me there is nothing wrong with her...leo cohoes ny
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replied February 19th, 2011
Experienced User
oh my that sounds typical of bipolar. i have a friend whos bipolar and he lives with his parents and his dad is also bipolar so i imagine the mom having to deal with the two of them. and they are huge men really tall and big. about 6 5 feet they both are. and yeah i have heard the fights my friend and his dad get into and they arent pretty. my guy friend is unstable like this because i know half the time he thinks he doesnt need his meds and then he starts acting like a jerk and thinks hes better than everyone which is quite common in bipolar i have found out. (i know a few people who are bipolar) but then about a week later they are back to themselves and they feel bad and say they werent feeling well. you have to be understanding of them but they have to want to take their meds all the time so they dont get like this i know its different because shes pregnant but you have to be understanding women who arent bipolar get really emotional at this time too
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