Mom, I an sorry you are having such a tough time. I have little patients for the Jesus fans prophesizing in meetings myself. It is not in accord with the program as I understand it, but it happens never the less.
I get it when you say that you are the master of your life. In spite of years of AA, I still feel that this higher power is an inside job. It is in me, it has been from the beginning. I don’t call it “he” I don’t give it a name at all.
But that isn’t what I want to talk to you about,
The first guy I ever sponsored was a lot like you. He told me he just couldn’t, in all honesty tell me that he could ever believe in a supernatural being of any stripe. But he wanted to stay sober. He discovered a program called Rational recovery. I saw him maybe a year ago and he was chairing a Rational Recovery meeting. I sat in and I enjoyed it very much, but mostly, I was happy that he was sober and happy.
There is also another program called SOS Secular Organization for Sobriety that is much like Rational recovery. Sort of AA without god. And there are more options still.
Back in my LSD days, I started reading the adventures of Don Juan. He was an mythical Indian mystic living in Mexico. A primer for all class A stoners back in the 60’s. At any rate, here is a little ditty he wrote…
"Any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question...Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use.”
Don Jaun
Mom, Look everywhere for that elusive freedom, and here are a few links to get you started.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
http://www.rational.org/plan.html
http://www.secularsobriety.org/
http://www.womenforsobriety.org/
http://www.unhooked.com/index.htm
But ask yourself the only two questions that really matter, does this path have a heart, and am I willing to walk it?
Richard