Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bipolar Is Taking My Bf..

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Q: Bipolar Is Taking My Bf..

asked by: deebaby621 on November 10th, 2007

Experienced User

i know it's a little long but i encourage you to read my story..

my boyfriend of almost 2 years is bipolar. our relationship has always been very close and open with eachother. since february, every few months he's came out of nowhere and said he "needs time to think & figure some things out." - so every few months, i end up giving him however much time he needs. which usually ends up being a week or so. after his "time" he comes running back to me & treating me like a princess. well, this time it's been different. he'd been acting different for a while now & i knew it. we've been having less and less sex lately and he hardly ever shows affection. he never wanted to talk about it so i told him i'd be there for him if he did end up wanting to talk about it. i'm 100% supportive of him & i love him with everything i have. last friday night he was so quiet.. so reserved & the whole night was awkward. we fell asleep together & he didn't give me a goodnight, or an i love you. i kissed him on the cheek and told him that i knew something was weighing heavily on his mind, & that i was always open if he wanted to talk about it. i then turned over and went to sleep, and he put his arm around me.

i left his house the next morning. i told him i loved him & everything would buff out & be okay. i hugged & kissed him and went back to my house. when i got home, i didn't feel right. i felt like i needed to find out if something bad was going on that i needed to know about.. so i called him about an hour or so after i got back to my house. i told him i was worried about him because i didn't know what was going on & i needed some type of reassurance that we were okay. he told me he wasn't sure what was wrong he just had a lot on his mind & he needed some time to think and to figure out some things. so i did not call him for the rest of that saturday.. and he didn't call me back. i went out saturday night with some friends and all i could think about was him.. and how hurt i knew he must be right now. sunday i called him around 2 that afternoon to check up & see how he was. he seemed irritated almost, somewhat distracted & it made me feel so horrible that i had even called to check on him. he was short with me & said he'd call back to talk to me. he never did.

monday night i called to speak with him since he hadn't bothered to call me back. i asked him if he was okay & what exactly was going on. he told me he hadn't had 2 seconds to think about anything and that he just needed some time to sort stuff out in his head. he said he'd call me later that night before he went to sleep. he didn't call. i have not heard anything from him since then. my heart is so broken and i'm so worried about him and what is going on. i want to be with him and be supportive of what he's going thru but it seems that everytime i try, i get pushed away.

i'm so lost and confused. we're not broken up but yet .. i feel like i have no boyfriend. i have not called him since monday night because i feel like there is no point. i don't know what to do right now & it gets harder every day that i don't talk to him.

he really needs to get help for his condition. he was getting help a while back when he was 12 or 13. he's 19 now. i've tried a couple of times in the past to talk to him about getting some kind of help but he never seems to think it'll turn out positively, so he ends up not going. i know i can't make him go to see a doctor for some medication, but i hate to see him suffer and know there's nothing i can do about it. i'd hate to lose this relationship because of something that i know he can get help for. i know it can't be cured, but it CAN be treated. i'm at a loss for words & i've almost become numb to the whole situation.

it's been a week today since i've seen him, and he hasn't called since monday. if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation, please help me out. this is not like him at all.. i know it's his condition. i just want to be by his side so bad right now..

my emotions are running so strong right now - i'm hurt, angry, sad, confused, scared, alone, and almost numb inside for what i've had to go thru for so long now. i have NEVER cried so much in my life.. i feel like it's a game almost because it happens every 3 or 4 months. i don't want to lose my boyfriend to bipolar.

this may seem like too much of a sob story for some of you.. and i'm sorry for that but i have never been this hurt before.

when he gets this way, his symptoms include extreme fatigue, loss of interest in sex, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything with me, not calling, etc..

please.. any kind of advice would help..

xoxo

Replies(11)

ilove_him

replied on November 10th, 2007

New User

Hi Deebaby. It's really hard loving someone who is bipolar. I've been dating my b/f for a year now. In the last year, we have gone through the same thing...breakup for 3 to 10 days and then get back together again. My b/f is much older, 48, and has real trust issues. I know without a dought that he is bipolar but he is in denial because he's afraid his exwife will find out and he'll loose his partial custody of their son. The sad thing is that they end up doing more damage than good. I do suggest that if you choose to stay in the relationship with your b/f that you do as much research as possible about bipolar disorder.

I can relate to the emotional turmoil that you are going through. In May I nearly had a nervous breakdown myself. I've also never cried so much in my life as I have over him. Sometimes all I can do is lay on the floor and cry out to God. My friends don't understand and think I'm nuts to put up with him, I don't even talk to my siblings anymore because of him. The advice that you will receive is that you need to take care of yourself. Make sure that your body is getting the nutrients that it needs, a good vitamin (from a Health Food Store, not Walmart or drug store), Fish Oils are very good for mood and depression, talking it out with a close friend or even counselor would be helpful. You may also want to keep a journal so that you can start to track his cycles.

Loving someone with bipolar is so hard. My b/f's cycle can be every couple of weeks. Just last night I was at his house and after a 'good week' he "broke up" with me again. I had to listen to him for four hours rant about the most stupid issue, and then he brought up issues in my past that happened 25 years ago that I made the mistake of telling him and how he can't deal with it. I took the day off of work today because he asked me to go to a Memorial with him for his grandmother and last night he told me that I couldn't go. The hard thing is not to take it personal. When he is going through his cycle, it's not about you, its about him and he can't control it. The question I get alot is, "Can you live like that the rest of your life?". When we are doing 'good' my answer is yes, but then when it's bad, it does hurt so much. Just Wednesday night, he was so sweet and loving and then on Thursday, like a light switch, it changed! I had a guy who has bipolar tell me that when he's going through his stage, just give him space. It's so hard, I'll say a prayer for you.

Hope this helps some.

Barto

replied on November 10th, 2007

New User

Deebaby it sounds like you really care about him. I can tell by the way you talk about him that he is very special to you. My wife has bipolar and everything you were talking about,depression,loss of interest, lack of sex, those are all things that I have been going through with my wife for the last 2 and a half years. Like she said in the post before mine,they are so unpredictable and things that matter to people without bipolar dont seem to matter to people with bipolar. My wife would have friends for years and then they would do something to piss her off and she would just write them off completely. It always scared me cuz I was like"man if she can write them off so easy she can do the same to me". But I stuck by her because I love her. Through all of the crazy behavior. All of the stuff that I could never understand. I just worried about how I was treating HER. Not how she was treating ME. Does that make any sense? I believe that bipolar people have a harder time feeling things like we do. They are usually so very smart, but they have a hard time undersdtanding,or seeing the significance of human issues. Like when they hurt you. When he doesnt call it hurts you because you are a human being. But in his mind he is probably wondering why that hurts you. Because he doesnt have time to sit around and hurt like you do. Its funny because you mentioned that he said he hadnt had 2 seconds to think, but you hadnt talked to him for days. What a joke,huh? But in his mind,he hadnt. Because his brain is racing 1 million miles an hour. It must be exhausting. I know that when my wife had not yet been diagnosed, I was just amazed,and exhausted, at all of the things she would try to do. All of the things she would put on us. Lets get married. Lets buy a house. Lets have a baby. Lets move to Kentucky. Lets buy a car. I mean it was one thing after another after another....But thats how their brains work. In overdrive. You can only control how you treat him, not how he treats you. And treat yourself good,heck,VERY good while you are at it. I had to learn to do that,because loving a bipolar,sometimes the only good treatment you get, is the treatment you give yourself.

BoneyardDiva

replied on November 10th, 2007

Experienced User

Another Nc Supporter of Bipolar So

Hi Dee...my husband is bipolar, so I can relate to your post. We broke up early in our relationship (together now for 6 yrs) due to his trust issues. He had a breakdown & went to the hospital. That's when he was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder. Since then, he has taken his medicine & gone to therapy twice a month.

It's hard dealing with someone who doesn't want to deal with their diagnosis. It seems like you realize that you can't make your bf take his meds or see a therapist. It's too bad that he doesn't see the importance in going & thinks it won't work out anyway. Remember that you can't make him take care of himself.

I hope that things work out of this man is the "One" for you. However, if he is neglectful of his health, then he is neglecting the relationship and that includes you. Here's hoping things work out in the best way for you, Dee.

BTW, we North Carolinians have to stick together, right? *grin*

BYD

rkl9907

replied on November 10th, 2007

New User

I'm also in the same situation, He is 52 and I'm 38. I care for him alot but don't know how to help him. At the beginning we were great together and he so sweet, gentle and care. At the same time we date, my father got very sick. Until my father passed away, he didn't called me and said anything. I was so lonely and hopeless when I was at the hosp with my father. I didn't get mad at him b/c I know maybe he is in his moody or depressive eps. But I'm worried about him, because I didn't heard from him for week. I feel like I lose two person at the same time. He told me that he wanted to be alone sometime. My key word right now is be patience as I told him that I'm 100% support, be there for him when he need me. But what else can I do to help him. I know that he afraid to get into another relationship, as he just end his 10 yrs relationship.

deebaby621

replied on November 10th, 2007

Experienced User

to be honest, the thing that hurts me the most is the fact that i'm willing to be supportive, a listening ear & a helping hand to him.. if he'd let me. but i feel like he'd much rather be alone and battle it out by himself everytime he gets like this.. and that hurts even more. it's almost been a week since i've spoken to my own boyfriend.

friends and family tell me "oh you can do so much better you're such a pretty girl.." and blah blah blah. you know how that goes. but the thing is - he has my heart - and HE is the one that i want. i can't picture myself abandoning him because of what he's going thru and just seeing other guys. i don't want that. i want him. i miss him.

i'm sorry for the mushy mushy junk but it feels good to get all of this out. it's been bottled up inside me for so long and it feels good to share with people that know exactly what i'm talking about. that's the thing about bipolar.. you try to tell your friends what's going on and they don't understand.. or they mistake my boyfriend's odd behavior for "oh he's cheating on you" or "you should just leave him" but i know he is not cheating on me. and i refuse to just leave him to battle something so terrible.

rkl9907

replied on November 10th, 2007

New User

I felt the same way like you. I told my friend and all they tell me is to Stay Way from him. How can I stay away from him, when he didn't hurt me. I know that he want to take care it by himself, and that even hurt me more. I never cry so much like right now. I miss him and want to support him. People don't understand me and say that he not WORTH for me to stay around for him. How can I go out with other when my HEART is with him. He is just everywhere I go. My friend say oh you can find a better guy than him. Yes, I know that but they not the one that I love.

EndlessApathy

replied on November 11th, 2007

New User

As a bipolar red-blooded young man, I can tell you first hand that it is incredibly easy for us to get into your hearts. We will take you places that no other man will take you, share emotions that no other man will share with you, give you the best sex of your life, and give you a glimpse into our naked soul. And for the most part, we do want a companion. But its...how do I begin to explain? I'v'e tried many times. The closest I can get is my Ipod. It has a lot of diffreent types of music on it. Folk, metal, opera, etc. This is like my moods. Loving, caring, destructive, self-loathing, suicidal, sedate, content, turbulent. Its a never ending cycle. The best advice I can give is that it is NOT you causing him any problems. His issues have nothing to do with you. At the same time, he hates himself for what he can't be. He wants to call you but can't. Its like an invisible hand is preventing him from making the call. Imagine that your mind is in a prison, that's what its like. I, like your boyfreind, like to "battle it out" on my own. And it empowers us. It gives us the will to live on. But how to live in a healthy relationship with one? Being supportive can sometimes have the direct opposite effect. This is because, when in a certain state of mind, we feel we do not deserve your love, or the love of anyone for that matter. We are ashamed of our behavior but practically powerless to prevent it. In my own situation, I have become almost completely mute. I figure that if my words and actions hurt others so much then the world is better off with me silent. II think that's what he may be feeling right now.
Above all though, he just wants to be normal, as is evidenced by his denial. So sometimes, the more you cater to our illness, the worse we feel. We feel neither here nor there, alive but dead, loving but hateful, scared and fearless. We are a paradox.

My best advice is to let him figure it out on his own. it took nearly dieing a few times to even unlock a clue into my inner psyche. It took humility, pain, suffering, and a sliver of acceptance. He needs to take the journey. And I'm not talking about a religious one, not in the sense of conventional religion. This mecca is a journey into hell, and into heaven, and all places inbetween.

Emma2

replied on November 11th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I am sorry about your situation. it sucks being in dark not know what is hapeening and being shut out. In regards to your last comment "and i refuse to just leave him to battle something so terrible. " You cannot force yourself to be in his life if he wont let you in, You cannot help someone who does not want help.

deebaby621

replied on November 11th, 2007

Experienced User

i called him last night whenever i got home around 10. he answered & sounded so happy. i told him i just wanted to check on him & see how things were going.. he told me he was working things out & he felt better than he did at the beginning of the week. he told me he's going to try to get help because he feels that's the best thing for him to do. it made me so happy to hear his voice & to know that he actually WANTS to get help. we're planning to get together on monday after work .. so i'm happy about that. i just hope things can go up from here.

rkl9907

replied on November 11th, 2007

New User

Is that true if a person diagnostic with BP Disorder, that mean the rest of their life will be in the stage of mood swing. I understand that there no curve. But if the person willing to take medication is that good enough.

How can I let him know that I'm alway there for him, care and support him 100%. I know he got lot on his mind right now, should I give him all the time he need to figure out how to solve the problem. It's not just his health, his seperation with his wife, his past relationship just end not too long.

christopherjc

replied on March 6th, 2009

New User

Give up!

Walk away. You may think I'm being heartless by saying this. But I've been with someone now for close to 3 years who has bipolar disorder.

You cannot change anyone. You do not deserve to be treated this way - it's unhealthy! Let it go...get it all out of your system, the hurt, the tears, all of it - believe me, I know, I've been there and it's freakin' PAIN like you can't imagine. But in the end, where are you going to be if you don't get out of that situation? You're going to be writing posts here again and again and again and again and....yep again on how you don't understand this or that or this or that. This is exactly how things happened with me.

Albert Einstein once said â��The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different resultsâ��

He will not change and you will continue to ask yourself WHY and sadly...you will never know the answer.

If you are not 'that' into him. If you can move on with your life and find other guys you're into....RUN DON'T WALK while you can. Otherwise it will continue to get worse.

Sorry to be so blunt but I speak from experience.

Run while you can. Don't end up like me - a person who's lost the love of his life and continues to this day to try and please her... Don't get in this rut. There are guys out there that will treat you a thousand times better! Hell, ask any guy here if they're interested they'll probably be like uh yeah!

Besides you're hot, you wont have trouble finding some guy that doesn't give you all that.

My 2 cents

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