Hi, I just hoped i could get some advice...
So basically, I would call myself a serial monogamist, and extremely sensitive person, and if I really look back on my life so far, most of it has been concentrated on someone else, mainly, my boyfriend at the time. I've been in serious relationships since I was 13, and I'm still currently in my 4th, which has just been a little over 2 years so far, and not doing well at all. I've only really been single maybe 8 months altogether, which I dont really know what to think about that. I hate being alone?
Anyway, I really see now the type of men I always fall in love with are f-ups, like honestly psychos. My first bf was bipolar and completely abused his meds, and he wouldnt talk to me for days, I would go over to his house and basically he would just sit there and ignore me until i went home. He ended up dumping me at school infront of all his friends. I was crushed lol. Then I started talking to this other guy, who at first was really great but then he started abusing alcohol and drugs, and I've never been a person who really does that other then when I party and stuff, bascally more for others then myself. He ended up cheating on me and dumping me, then he had the nerve to pretend to make up with me just so i would have sex with him, and being stupid, I did. That got me a real sweet reputation. Next was my best friends brother...oh man...I didnt even want to like him at first because he was my friends brother, like come on! But we ended up dating and he was really posseive, and jealous, and was even jelous of his own family. Thats when I lost all my friends. He would get so mad if I even talked to anyone but him, and he started pushing me around and my friend noticed, so she and him startd fighting over me, and I had to leave. He wouldnt leave me alone and sent me weird letter and roses and stuuff amd just made life hard for me for awhile. Now, my current boyfriend...Of course, at first everything was fine and dandy, he had no visible problems and was prolly the most respectful and loving man I've ever had...and then, substance abuse problems arose. He started moving farther away from me and more into drugs...I did the opposite, I kicked th drugs and supoorted him and tried to help him so much, and I would take his drugs away and i wouldnt give him my money for them ect, and yeah, it went on like this for a long time...thn he started getting verbally abusive. and I tolerated it, made excuses. Then he started pushing me and grabbing me by th throat when he was really mad. He got so jealous and paranoid and he knew all my passwords to things online, all my classmates and he knew everything i did or said. I became so sad and depressed and scared, he stopped going to school, and would call me at 2am and keep me up until 7 then I would go to school. My teachers thought I was on serious drugs and would always ask if I was ok, and I looked so disgusting and tired all the time. I felt dead, like I couldnt feel emotion anymore, except pain. I still clinged to him, because I was now so attached with fear as well as love. He continued to abuse me and use me, and then one night we got really drunk, and he threatened to punch me in the face, and i honestly didnt think he would actually do that, and I said, do it, i f-ing daRE u and then bam! he did...it wasnt even hard but it left a bruise on my eye and I started crying, and I stood up and punched him in the face as well, because I knew I didnt want him to look bad, so even though I've never thought to hit someone in my life, I did that. t protect him I guess, I dont know. then his parents came in and his mom grabbed me and dragged me away and put acloth on my eye, and then she took his beer and threw all of it outside on the deck and smashed it. and said nobody is drinking in her house again. I made his eye bleed, and I felt so sad. So then she drove me home and basically told me that he has problems and that we arent meant to be together, of course I ignored her. so I get home and had to make up this huge story that I hit him first, and my parents didnt buy that and they wanted to call the cops and I wasnt alloweed seeing him again, but I did in secret, and eventually they gave up on stopping me. Then he had to move away, 5 hours away...and I was so sad and everything became so weird for me...I ad no friends and basically just stayed alone, because I couldnt piss him off by making new friends, and really, i didnt feel like it at all either because I just felt so weak. I just went to school and work, and thats it. Then, he moved back here. I would take a cab every day to see him and I bought all his food and stuff and did everything for him, but he was unhappy here and didnt eat or sleep or anything, just did drugs and then would go to the doctors and lie about him having add and other things just to get medication and abuse it or sell it. The doctor there was not very good and he prescribed him basically speed one day...and he started abusing that very hevily and then abusing me again..he would make me sleep on the floor naked and cold and call me worthless piece of sh and would kick me, and throw things at me, but then of course always kiss me better ect, and I just couldnt help but fall in every single time! When I look bavk its so sad I could be that way! Then he decided to move back with his family and I was heartbroken again....and had to go through being alone completely again, we talked on the phone like all day and night, i even had to take money from my work to pay for it sometimes, something I would never do..: ( Then he moved back again....and then home again...and i started taking the bus to see him and i went up to stay for a few days or a week, i went 4 times...and he would always be nice there and everything but still i see his problems, hes gotten alot better mentally, but he would still get mad at me and jealous and stuff, and then i stopped going because it hurts me so much when i have to leave and go home, yet part of me is relieved because I know my family loves me...So lets fast forward to now...now it seems like hes over me, well he says it so much yet he still calls me, and he lies to me and plays really mean mind games, and tries to make me think that hes cheating on me and stuff when I'm pretty sure hes not because hes honestly not that great with girls lol, he told me that he wont break up withme I have to break up with him..but I dont want to...I'm so sad lol I bet everyone will say ooh dump him, everyone I talk to says I'm stupid for being with him..but I think its just from him abusing me and f-ing with my head so much and now I'm so messed up...I know before this I was never depressed and sad so much and I've never been so scared of a person, or felt so hurt, but at the same time I truly loved him and we had so much good times together, we can even still talk really well, its just his problems tht are what ruins it all...I just dont know
This isnt even half the story theres so much to say....
Thanks for stayin with me If your still reading....I'd love to talk on msn about this to someone who really cares, : ( thanks guys.....