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The Depression Years:

Ever since I was born my life has been a struggle. On a daily basis (and to this very day) I battle with low-self esteem and self worth; as a result I emphatically feel inferior and less of a man than everyone else around me.

Life will always be a struggle. Struggles are what make the good moments worth it.
Growing up i substantially believed everyone was better than me in every conceivable way and how my existence on this very earth meant little to nothing at all. (of course this is just subjective low self-esteem and not factual).

I think as we are finding out who we are, we all have self-esteem issues. I can relate to that, I was a very porky child.
Growing up i undervalued my family as i was a very bad son and person to be around, i was disobedient, defiant, selfish and troublesome (mainly because i was confused, i thought the world was prejudice and rejected me just for existing). Around age 10-16 I never did anything right and found pleasure in taking my aggression and self-pity out on others by means of violence and vulgarity (which now is a deep regret). I was blinded by my own decadence and blamed others for my wrongdoings and lived a life of anguish and depression as a resulting repercussion. I failed at every task appointed to me, i didn't do jobs around the house, i didn't contribute, i didn't toe the line, i wasn't decorus or conscientious of others. I had no 'real' friends growing up. I lived a sheltered life of solitude, encumbered by the thoughts of self-hate towards myself and i thought i was destined for an early suicidal awakening.
That is very sad. People change. I was very troublesome and defiant towards my father. I called his wife a prostitute and all these terrible things. After I had my daughter, I realized how selfish and terrible I had been and I apologized to everyone I ever hurt. It made me feel better but it also took a lot of time to get the relationship with my father back on the right track. Any relationship is hard work. Anything that isn't hard work isn't worth doing.

. In school i selfishly and inexcusably been suspended for fighting over 40 times, and this only excelled to explusion after intimidating priniciples and nearly stabbing someone with a knife. I became a disgrace to myself and those around me and the only person i really cared about was myself. (This was early adolescence)

The Revelation:

By age 17 I turned a new leaf and tried to do everything right. Naturally, there is an eagerness to one's mind when realizing a mistake because the mind seeks to resolve. My subjective resolution was to overachieve, do everything right by becoming the model son who is reliable, dependable and caring (because before 17 i was non of these things)

I revolutionalized my character, my attitude, my thoughts of others and my mannerisms. I now live my life with my eyes looking outwards, i view every situation from their perspective and try be the nicest person i can be. I offer to help, I've became loyal caring and conscientious of those around me.
That is wonderful! How very proud you should be of yourself for changing. It takes a very special person to realize their downfalls and correct them.

My Passion:

With all my amalgamated aggression and unrelenting rage, that was constituted by my low self-esteem, i desperately needed for it to be safely channeled without causing any sufferings to others. This is where I took up weight-lifting and body building (at this time i was 10 yrs old), not even knowing where to start, as bodybuilding for a 10 year old child mentality can be exceptionally convoluted. I just started pumping back-packs with books and progressed from there. Until i bought weights and a benchpress and the whole works at a later age.

To this very day: Weight-lifting is my passion, my stress relief, my drive, my desire, my pride and joy. I'd rather retain my ability to compete and weight-lift then have a lexus and a gold mansion and be famous. Weight-lifting i fell in-love with, because it was like a freedom of expression. All the depression, guilt, hatred, fear, terror i struggled with my whole life suddenly disappeared. Weight-lifting is and always will be my freedom. When i get in the gym I get to be me, i get to be who i really am, and not some inferior human or just another sheep in the herd, i feel distinguished and have an extremely buff and toned physique to reflect my dedication.
I love taking off my shirt and people questioning whether or not i take steroids, it makes me feel good about myself and for me, thats 100% what i need. This is my passion, and my passion is an unburdening effect that cannot be mimic'd by materialistic fabrications.

TMJD:

TMJD has threatened to end my bodybuilding legacy, i may never be able to weight lift again, and although this sounds small to everyone, its not, its a huge loss and its one of the hardest things to handle. It's not in stone but there's a 50% chance i may never be able to lift again and this is because excess weight may cause muscle spasms.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It must be very hard trying to come to terms with possibly having to give up your passion. But you know what? The doctors can never be certain you will HAVE to give it up. They say people will never wake out of comas and they do. They say some people will never walk again, and they do. Passion is what drives people. If weight lifting is your passion, don't be so quick to give up and give in to what they tell you is "possible."

TMJD and Spinal complications hit me hard; Migraines, tunnel vision, dizziness, tinnitus, blurred vision, hearing loss, episodes of deafness, flashing lights, blinking lights, extreme sensitivity to light and sound, patterns in the field of vision, high blood pressure, vertigo (spinning rooms), hallucinations visual and auditoral, facial numbness, ear pain, facial pain, eye pain, sensitivity to touch, breathing difficulties, neck paralysis and pain, and bad posture and so many more symptoms.
That is very sad to hear. I'm so sorry you have to experience all of these awful symptoms. Like I said, I don't know much about TMJ, but it sounds awful to have to struggle with.

TMJD has made me unable to function, unable to socialize, unable to be who i am. I grew up fearless, tough competitive, and now i am crying myself to sleep terrified every moment may be my last. And i glance back at my horrible past and think to myself what have i accomplished?? I never driven a car, never had a career, never been with a girl, never had any real dependable friends, never travelled, never really enjoyed life altogether.
Now is the time to be thankful for what you have. You can always accomplish new things. Have you thought about trying a new hobby? It's never too late to meet a girl, gain dependable friends, travel, and just enjoy life.

I've only been a burden to those who i hold dear to me the most. The hardest part of TMJD is i'm not some good innocent kid, i have scars, and these scars from my past cannot be remedied, i was a punk kid and never really deserved a good life anyway. Everyone deserves a good life. I can tell you are truly sorry for the life you chose in your adolescence, but you're an adult now. Time to move on. You cannot change the past. You need to model yourself for the future. I'm a 19 year old man, and i stand before you now pleading on my hands and knees begging in desperation for a second chance, a second chance to make life right, Not for me, but for my family it crushes me inside so hard when i see the tears on my mother's face and the worrysome look of uncertainty on my brother's faces.
Have you discussed your past with your family? Family is a beautiful thing. They forgive and forget.

All i want is to make everything normal, i don't take anything for granted not even a single neck rotation. I want to be the guy everyone wants to be around, i want to be the son that is reliable and dependable, magnamus and conscientious. I want to have meaning, purpose and deserve. I lived a hollow life of sorrow and regret. But in my own defense i have made abrupt changes for the better I'm anew man and i don't want to leave this world just to be remembered as the bully-son who failed at everything and no one wanted to be around him anyway. I don't want this reality, it is reversible, my father's quote "Don't worry about your past, its just baggage to burden you down, that doesn't define who you are, what defines who you are is what you do now as a man." Your father is a smart man. You should take his advice to heart.

Those words chilled my blood and echoed in my head for days on end.

He is right, what defines me is what i do now as a man, and what i'm doing now is everything right. I'm standing up, i'm fighting through TMJD I'm going to win, i'm going to beat this thing once and for all. I'm thoughtful of others, caring, loyal, social, polite and carry meaningful and admirable virtues like everyone else. I apologize to the world, i apologize to my family, i apologize to god for being in my past a loser. It's time to cast my pearls before swine, take the high road because things will get better, they have too - I have to show the world who i really am, because i have a good heart, just the world and surroundings around me encumbered me with depressive and aggressive attitudes that shielded my true identity.

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something I can do"

Famous Quote by: Edward Everett Hale

My 'something' is change, and overcoming the impropable

It sounds like you are truly sorry for what you have done in the past. If your family forgives and all... you should try your best to move on. Deal with the problem at hand. You can't possibly handle too much on your plate at one time. I wish I could come up with something better ...

Showing that you cared, and offered advice and support is all i wanted to hear, thank you i need it now more than ever. This is the hardest part of my life and you can't imagine what i've been through, i've had water sound 20x louder than normal, loud ringing sirens in my ears 24/7 causing insomnia, i've been paralyzed so bad i almost needed an ambulance, i've had 20 back to back episodes of deafness (ear related muscle spasm caused by mis-aligned jawjoint which crushes nerves) i've been blind over 20 times and luckily it came back, i have permanent vision dmg and need glasses, and have muffled hearing, but after taking muscle relaxants i got 100% hearing back and my sight is only blurred now which can be correct by glasses. Atleast the blackness is gone.

I try to lay down and the room spins faster than a roaller coaster, this is caused by the signals in the labyrith in the middle ear sending a message of rotation to the brain caused by a muscle spasm, i had migraines so painful i thought my head was going to blow up, i've had tunnel vision for 60 minutes, i had positional vertigo (everyone just moves with you as u walk, everything is disoriented) for 4 weeks without a break i had to take serc medication which didn't help. I've been to 50 doctors (no help) slept in stairwells, outside of hospitals, in backyards, everything been to ER's done ECG's CAt scans MRI's i've been through hell pure hell you have no idea what TMJD can really be like. I had flickering lights so bad the doctor said it was retinal detachment (which leads to blindnes in that eye) i've been through heart pulputations so fast it was like a jack hammer, i thought i had a bad heart i was in a clinic for 4 hours and everyone else receiving the same treatment was in their 70's HOW Does this all psychologically play with me?? My face goes numb and my arms tingle, my mouth randomly bites itself and i start to shake uncontrollably and with all this and 30 more symptoms including hallucinations such as i'd hear Beeping and music playing (musical hallucinations) repeat for 5 minutes solid really loud, i've heard whispers the anxiety from TMJD is 5% chance going to give me schizophrenia permanently, may end up in an aslyum who the hell knows, see what i deal with at 19 years of age?? and i'm healthy as healthy gets, i eat fruits work out exercise you name it. Never had anything like this before and now i do etc etc


I'm over it, i handle it way better now i'm just trying to emphasize the seriousness of how TMJD and ANXIETY can play possibly the worse symptom related disease in the world. Nothing in this world gives more symptoms than TMJD and ANXIETY combined, i have over 40 symptoms no joke, and most of them are the same as cancer

example: acoustic neuroma, grows on the vestibular nerve (which controls balance) this causes tinnitus, hearing loss / deafness vertigo etc etc, guess what i have those symptoms, yeah the symptoms of Cancer and more, and guess what ?? i'm on a 2 year waiting list to see doctors, how convenient. Sorry for all the grammar mistakes i'm just a little frustrated at the cards i was dealt and want to bring you in perspective of how bad it can really be

Wow, that is great that the muscle relaxers have eased some of your symptoms. Are you planning to get glasses soon? That will help a lot. Or even the laser surgery (can't think of the name of it). Is your condition treatable or curable or anything? I hope you won't be forced to deal with this forever.

TMJ is not curable, and the doctor says i have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life at 19 years old, i may have to give up my passion and take dangerous vision / hearing damage medication for the rest of my life and on top of it, also maintain a career and job.

Well everyone has to maintain a career and job. That's not so bad, but to do so on top of your condition is what makes you a strong person.
Life is like a roller coaster (God, I sound like a popsicle stick), there's ups and downs. You have to endure the downs to reach the ups and you have to endure both to enjoy the ride.

I'm also a candidate for paralysis, because the spinal cord bones and mesh together and crush motor function nerves permanently, how do you think i swallow that one??

No see thats what people don't understand, you can't rationalize this by saying "suck it up" you have no idea how bad my TMJD really is no one does. I was a pure athlete with the body of a bodybuilder, and now one wrong move and i may be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life (spinal cord complications) on top of it if i lay down i see flicker lights and black dots and floaters and moving patterns in my field of vision. My face gets so sensitive sometimes if i even touch it a muscle in my ear flexes so much it makes me deaf for that entire day. Then you start to panic (can't control it, anxiety comes and goes, even if your calm) Migraine hits ur heard is trashing like someone is taking a hammer to it, and u have tunnel vision so u can barely see. Then you try to go to the washroom and the room spins so you fall down and are crawling to the washroom. Ohh gee life sounds fun doesn't it???

Then your jaw gets exhausted from being over-used, and the misbite alignment causes the ligments and muscles to degenerate, which progresses to lockjaw. So the doctors use pretizone or whatever its called a liquid steroid to pry the jaw open again and then give u extremely dangerous muscle relaxants such as flexeril and the medication can cause psychosis and permanent vision damage, fun fun fun

Oh I didn't mean "suck it up", I was just trying to make you feel a little better (although I know that is next to impossible). I would never simply tell someone to "suck it up, life goes on."

I am empathetic and very sorry that ANYONE has to go through such terrible things. Life is full of terrible things, but it is also full of beautiful and very meaningful things.

Do you think you would be the same person you are today if you had not experienced these difficult times?

I have been through terrible things as well (that I will not get into at this time) but I learned that with terrible things, comes really wonderful things as well.

Gee, I don't seem to be of much help. But then again, it's only me in this thread, so I'm trying the best I can.