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Q: Im Addicted to Being Addicted And Need Help!
asked by: abusingNstrugles on November 8th, 2007
New User
Hi, I am a 36 year old mother of 4 children, age's ranging from 19 - 2. I cant remember a time in my life, since age 15 when I wasn't using any type of drug. Its been 21 years now since I started struggling with my alcohol abuse. I have been on 1 mg, 3 times daily of xanax for 12 years now, but for the last 2 years its been prescribed for 4 times a day. I have been on and off vicodin, lortab and darvocet, since 2000. Now I was put on ritalin, 20 mgs 3 times a day. I am now a recovering alcoholic, I have not drank now in 1 year 11 months. I have tried to stop taking xanax many times with no sucesss, withdrawls are just to bad to handle. So I still take those, most of the time abusing them, taking more than I should. The "painkillers" when Im on them, I also abuse. I wouldn't consider myself to be addicted to them yet as I can stop taking them with no problems so far. I though my addiction and recovery from alcohol was the worst thing ever, I never imagined being addicted to a drug that has completely taken control over every part of my life like ritalin has now for the past 4 months. I now crush and snort the ritalin, I do this many times a day, probably going through at least 10 a day, when I run out, I have a "friend" I buy them off of. So running out of ritalin every month is not a problem for me. There are days I do too much I get paranoid, real shaky and start to have panic attacks, so I take my xanax to get back down, then start all over again. I have tried to quit, I went 2 days without and it was pure misery, I felt like I was going to die. I didn't realize just how bad I am addicted to ritalin. I hate doing it, it makes me sick now, I dont enjoy the feeling anymore but yet I cant stop. I no im in trouble with this drug, I have to stop, I no the end result will not be good if I dont. I am too ashamed to tell my family about this, I dont no what to do anymore. Has any one beat this drug addiction, or going through a addiction, could anyone send advice? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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shadowalker164
replied on November 8th, 2007
Experienced User
So, what are you prepared to do to get clean? If the answer is “anything” then you have a chance. If the answer is anything else, your chances just got slimmer.

AbusingNstrugles… you tell us you are a recovering alcoholic, if you recovered using the 12 steps, apply them to all your problems.

I at various times have been strung out on just about every major class of drug, and like you, I am a recovering alcoholic. I used the 12 steps, they worked for me, they might work for you as well.

Richard
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rkjginkc
replied on November 17th, 2007
New User
I don't want to sound harsh and I'm sure an addiction like this is very hard but, think of your children and what it must be doing to them because, I'm sure if you're strung out you are of no help to them. A 2 year old needs their mother at all times. Who takes care of them when you are high? I adopted a child that was born addicted to crack cocaine and had to watch him go through horrible withdrawls for about 8 months so knowing how he was makes me know how you probably feel. You need to go to treatment and get help so you can be there for your babies. I'm sure your family and friends would help and support you. You have to do this for your children if nothing else. Think about them every time you think about getting high. They are precious and have to have you.
Concerned for you and your children!
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abusingNstrugles
replied on November 17th, 2007
New User
Update
Its been 7 days now since I used, its not a long time, but a good start for me, I have a long road ahead of me, but I have the will to do what I have to. I have a positive attitude and all the support I need!! Very Happy
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rkjginkc
replied on November 17th, 2007
New User
That's awesome. Keep up the good work. You can do it! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, feel free to contact me.
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CarolDiane
replied on November 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
I wish you the best of luck. Your kids need you and you need to be well for them. They should not be without a mother. Sounds like you a doing pretty good on you own. But, just know that there is help out there if you need it. This is not going to be easy for you. You sound like you have the will power to overcome though. Keep it up and keep us up to date on how you are doing. Keep a log for yourself of how many day you have been clean and sober. That will also give you some insentive.

Carrie
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lwaters
replied on November 26th, 2007
New User
abusingNstrugles- I am a recovering alcoholic of 19 years. Listening to your story made it green for me. Thank you. I think as alcoholics we are pre-disposed to wanting to numb ourselves. I have been taking ultram for around 2 years now, 2-3mg tablets a day and felt like I had to have them. I used them for my osteoarthritis. I know being an addict, if I have to have them, I am in trouble. So, I stopped them 3 days ago and at first felt anxious and depressed. Today, I stayed home from work and I am starting to feel better and drinking lots of water. I try to flush my system out. The xanax I was addicted to 10 years ago and was taking .5mg 4x a day. That is a very difficult drug to come off of. I did it cold turkey, my Dr said it was ok...well I got very sick. Thanks for sharing your story and it sounds like your on the right track. Use the AA 12 step program to help you. And I would let your doctor know so he may give you some suggestions. I want to be drug free, it's a great way to be! Please let us know how you are doing.
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CarolDiane
replied on November 26th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
You are so right. Addiction is so we can forget about our real problems and the real world. Just to find out when we become sober again, that they are still there waiting for us just as we left them. They are not going to disappear under the rock of addiction.

Carrie
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lwaters
replied on November 26th, 2007
New User
Thanks Carrie. I just found this website and it is great! What a better way to communicate, and to know your not alone in whatever you may be going through.
Lori
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CarolDiane
replied on November 26th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Just know we are all here for you. We all care about each other and most of us have been through or going through similar issues. No, you are not alone by any means. Keep on posting and we will answer.

Hugs,
Carrie
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lwaters
replied on November 26th, 2007
New User
Thanks Carrie, I really needed to hear that today! I stopped the ultrams on Friday and the anxiety and depression is hard. I know it only lasts four or five days, but while your going through it, it is tough. I keep telling myself this too shall pass.

Hugs,
Lori
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shadowalker164
replied on November 26th, 2007
Experienced User
It’s funny, we tell ourselves we do it for our kids. Our kids deserve a sober parent, and they surly benefit from our sobriety, and we ought to do it for them. That is what we say.

But the disease tells us otherwise.

I have found that getting clean and sober for anyone other than me seems to not have the staying power. I didn’t get sober for my wife. I should have,, but I didn’t. I didn’t get sober for my kids, again I should have, but I didn’t. I got sober for me.

When my personal mental and spiritual pain became more than I could stand, I did what I needed to do to make my pain stop. My wife has benefited from my sobriety, and my kids have benefited from my sobriety more than I could have imagined. And I am so very grateful for all of that, but….

AbusingNstrugles, make your sobriety your first priority. Put it in front of your kids, put it in front of your husband, put it in front of everything else in your life. Because, if we aren’t sober, all of those other things, we will throw them away in order to get and stay loaded.

This getting sober is a deadly serious business. Many of us drink and drug into the gates of insanity and death rather than get sober. In fact, most of us do. You may find that your will power, as strong as it is, is no match to your disease.

Someone else mentioned it, and let me reiterate, look into AA. It saved me and by extension, my family. It can help you meet with success too.

Richard
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lwaters
replied on November 26th, 2007
New User
Richard, your right. We have to do it for ourselves, otherwise we don't stay clean and sober. I have not been to AA meetings in years, and you have reminded me of how important they are. I haven't drank because I still remember the last hangover and never want to go through that again. But we need it for our thinking!
AbusingNstrugles, like Richard said, try AA it is the best place to go when your having a tough time.
Lori
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