Im Addicted to Being Addicted And Need Help! Posted: 11-08-07 10:57am
Hi, I am a 36 year old mother of 4
children, age's ranging from 19 - 2. I
cant remember a time in my life, since age
15 when I wasn't using any type of drug.
Its been 21 years now since I started
struggling with my alcohol abuse. I have
been on 1 mg, 3 times daily of xanax for
12 years now, but for the last 2 years its
been prescribed for 4 times a day. I have
been on and off vicodin, lortab and
darvocet, since 2000. Now I was put on
ritalin, 20 mgs 3 times a day. I am now a
recovering alcoholic, I have not drank now
in 1 year 11 months. I have tried to stop
taking xanax many times with no sucesss,
withdrawls are just to bad to handle. So I
still take those, most of the time abusing
them, taking more than I should. The
"painkillers" when Im on them, I also
abuse. I wouldn't consider myself to be
addicted to them yet as I can stop taking
them with no problems so far. I though my
addiction and recovery from alcohol was
the worst thing ever, I never imagined
being addicted to a drug that has
completely taken control over every part
of my life like ritalin has now for the
past 4 months. I now crush and snort the
ritalin, I do this many times a day,
probably going through at least 10 a day,
when I run out, I have a "friend" I buy
them off of. So running out of ritalin
every month is not a problem for me.
There are days I do too much I get
paranoid, real shaky and start to have
panic attacks, so I take my xanax to get
back down, then start all over again. I
have tried to quit, I went 2 days without
and it was pure misery, I felt like I was
going to die. I didn't realize just how
bad I am addicted to ritalin. I hate
doing it, it makes me sick now, I dont
enjoy the feeling anymore but yet I cant
stop. I no im in trouble with this drug,
I have to stop, I no the end result will
not be good if I dont. I am too ashamed
to tell my family about this, I dont no
what to do anymore. Has any one beat this
drug addiction, or going through a
addiction, could anyone send advice?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 11-08-07 14:04pm
So, what are you prepared to do to get
clean? If the answer is “anything”
then you have a chance. If the answer is
anything else, your chances just got
slimmer.
AbusingNstrugles… you tell us you are a
recovering alcoholic, if you recovered
using the 12 steps, apply them to all your
problems.
I at various times have been strung out on
just about every major class of drug, and
like you, I am a recovering alcoholic. I
used the 12 steps, they worked for me,
they might work for you as well.
Richard
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rkjginkc
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 6 Location: kansas city
Posted: 11-17-07 05:09am
I don't want to sound harsh and I'm sure
an addiction like this is very hard but,
think of your children and what it must be
doing to them because, I'm sure if you're
strung out you are of no help to them. A 2
year old needs their mother at all times.
Who takes care of them when you are high?
I adopted a child that was born addicted
to crack cocaine and had to watch him go
through horrible withdrawls for about 8
months so knowing how he was makes me know
how you probably feel. You need to go to
treatment and get help so you can be there
for your babies. I'm sure your family and
friends would help and support you. You
have to do this for your children if
nothing else. Think about them every time
you think about getting high. They are
precious and have to have you.
Concerned for you and your children!
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abusingNstrugles
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Update Posted: 11-17-07 12:22pm
Its been 7 days now since I used, its not
a long time, but a good start for me, I
have a long road ahead of me, but I have
the will to do what I have to. I have a
positive attitude and all the support I
need!!
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rkjginkc
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 6 Location: kansas city
Posted: 11-17-07 22:29pm
That's awesome. Keep up the good work. You
can do it! I will keep you in my thoughts
and prayers. If you need to talk, feel
free to contact me.
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CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-21-07 13:00pm
I wish you the best of luck. Your kids
need you and you need to be well for them.
They should not be without a mother.
Sounds like you a doing pretty good on you
own. But, just know that there is help out
there if you need it. This is not going to
be easy for you. You sound like you have
the will power to overcome though. Keep it
up and keep us up to date on how you are
doing. Keep a log for yourself of how many
day you have been clean and sober. That
will also give you some insentive.
Carrie
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lwaters
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Nov 2007 Posts: 11
Posted: 11-26-07 10:15am
abusingNstrugles- I am a recovering
alcoholic of 19 years. Listening to your
story made it green for me. Thank you. I
think as alcoholics we are pre-disposed to
wanting to numb ourselves. I have been
taking ultram for around 2 years now,
2-3mg tablets a day and felt like I had to
have them. I used them for my
osteoarthritis. I know being an addict,
if I have to have them, I am in trouble.
So, I stopped them 3 days ago and at first
felt anxious and depressed. Today, I
stayed home from work and I am starting to
feel better and drinking lots of water. I
try to flush my system out. The xanax I
was addicted to 10 years ago and was
taking .5mg 4x a day. That is a very
difficult drug to come off of. I did it
cold turkey, my Dr said it was ok...well I
got very sick. Thanks for sharing your
story and it sounds like your on the right
track. Use the AA 12 step program to help
you. And I would let your doctor know so
he may give you some suggestions. I want
to be drug free, it's a great way to be!
Please let us know how you are doing.
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CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-26-07 10:32am
You are so right. Addiction is so we can
forget about our real problems and the
real world. Just to find out when we
become sober again, that they are still
there waiting for us just as we left them.
They are not going to disappear under the
rock of addiction.
Carrie
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lwaters
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Nov 2007 Posts: 11
Posted: 11-26-07 10:39am
Thanks Carrie. I just found this website
and it is great! What a better way to
communicate, and to know your not alone in
whatever you may be going through.
Lori
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CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-26-07 10:59am
Just know we are all here for you. We all
care about each other and most of us have
been through or going through similar
issues. No, you are not alone by any
means. Keep on posting and we will
answer.
Hugs,
Carrie
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lwaters
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Nov 2007 Posts: 11
Posted: 11-26-07 13:30pm
Thanks Carrie, I really needed to hear
that today! I stopped the ultrams on
Friday and the anxiety and depression is
hard. I know it only lasts four or five
days, but while your going through it, it
is tough. I keep telling myself this too
shall pass.
Hugs,
Lori
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 11-26-07 13:42pm
It’s funny, we tell ourselves we do it
for our kids. Our kids deserve a sober
parent, and they surly benefit from our
sobriety, and we ought to do it for them.
That is what we say.
But the disease tells us otherwise.
I have found that getting clean and sober
for anyone other than me seems to not have
the staying power. I didn’t get sober
for my wife. I should have,, but I
didn’t. I didn’t get sober for my
kids, again I should have, but I didn’t.
I got sober for me.
When my personal mental and spiritual pain
became more than I could stand, I did what
I needed to do to make my pain stop. My
wife has benefited from my sobriety, and
my kids have benefited from my sobriety
more than I could have imagined. And I am
so very grateful for all of that, but….
AbusingNstrugles, make your sobriety your
first priority. Put it in front of your
kids, put it in front of your husband, put
it in front of everything else in your
life. Because, if we aren’t sober, all
of those other things, we will throw them
away in order to get and stay loaded.
This getting sober is a deadly serious
business. Many of us drink and drug into
the gates of insanity and death rather
than get sober. In fact, most of us do.
You may find that your will power, as
strong as it is, is no match to your
disease.
Someone else mentioned it, and let me
reiterate, look into AA. It saved me and
by extension, my family. It can help you
meet with success too.
Richard
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lwaters
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Nov 2007 Posts: 11
Posted: 11-26-07 13:55pm
Richard, your right. We have to do it for
ourselves, otherwise we don't stay clean
and sober. I have not been to AA meetings
in years, and you have reminded me of how
important they are. I haven't drank
because I still remember the last hangover
and never want to go through that again.
But we need it for our thinking!
AbusingNstrugles, like Richard said, try
AA it is the best place to go when your
having a tough time.
Lori
