Depression Forum - Recent History Has Me Depressed

I've been a shy, quiet guy my whole life, never had much ability to make friends. Any friendships I've ever had were because the other person initiated it. I was ruthlessly picked on by bullies almost my entire school career. I ended up having a mini emotional breakdown due to this stress and humiliation in high school, and dropped out. A few years later I got my GED. I sat home almost all the time for six years after I dropped out (damn near becoming afraid of human interaction), and finally forced myself to start community college earlier this year (my family is pretty poor and I couldn't afford real college). I wanted to pursue the film production program, but was forced to do many unwanted Gen-Ed classes along with the film ones. Due to my lack of skill in Algebra, I was placed in THREE mandatory prep classes.

With the background out of the way, here goes the bad stuff. In March, I was unjustly arrested and saddled with a trumped up, and untrue felony battery on an officer charge. The cop has gotten other cops to back up his false claims, and I now face up to FIVE YEARS in jail. Even though I have no prior criminal record, and I'm innocent. I've been saddled with an overworked public defender who is rarely in contact with me at all. It's basically the officer's word against mine. This happened in MARCH, and I have literally thought about it every day for all these months. I still haven't started trial, it's driving me nuts, I can't sleep, and the severe depression and anxiety I have battled off-and-on all my life has returned in a major way. Two weeks after the arrest my grades started to drop due to all the stress, and I was forced to withdraw from two classes. They then took away my college financial aid until I improve my GPA. I've been having relatives pay for my classes since then (mostly through copious begging) In May (two weeks after my birthday) my beloved cat (my best friend in the world) got sick suddenly and died all within a week's span. The cause was never determined. This was like having a knife driven into my heart. Now, I need to withdraw from an algebra class, and the college says I'd have to withdraw from my whole schedule to do so.

I am so depressed about my future (or lack thereof). I don't want to go to jail for years for a crime I didn't commit. I miss my cat terribly. I'm drowning in this community college BS, when I really just want to learn how to make films (movies and TV shows are one of my few passions) I have been in and out of counselors offices my whole life, and have tried every anti-depressant in the book. Nothing works. I stay up all night crying uncontrollably. I just don't want to endure this living nightmare anymore. No one other than my mom really seems to care that much anyway.

Replies(5)

CarolDiane

replied on November 8th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Well, first of all, thee is nothing above I see as a life ending situation. Nothing comes easy, we have to work at it. Your just to busy wollowing in your own pain to realize that you can have a grip on all of this. Stop thinking of reasons why your not going to make it, and try and focus on the abilities you have to make it. I hate to be blunt, but you need to stop the hearts and flowers and get a grip on your life and instead of wanting to walk away from it all, face the problems head on and make something out of your life. No one can do that for you. You are not a looser. You are a winner and you would not have made it through that colledge door if you were not. Now get going and may a life of yourself and stop the self pity. There is no pill that is going to help if you don't want it to.

How would you like to trade places with me? Out of work since April of 2006 and living with my son, who basically supports me. Been denied Social Security Disability twice and now have to go to court. I am a white ill female on Medicaid and food stamps. I will gladly trade places with you.

Carrie

living_hell

replied on November 8th, 2007

New User

"How would you like to trade places with me? Out of work since April of 2006 and living with my son, who basically supports me. Been denied Social Security Disability twice and now have to go to court. I am a white ill female on Medicaid and food stamps. I will gladly trade places with you."

In actuality you wouldn't be trading much. I'm also not working (definitely not due to lack of trying that's for sure), live off my mom for everything, and was denied food stamps, am white and from central Florida. Other than being ill (I guess unless you count the depression), that ain't much different. You're also not facing five years in jail for a crime you didn't commit. Won't be able to get much college done if that happens, will I? Not to mention the LIFELONG repercussions of a felony record, much less for supposed violence against a COP! The incidents that are currently happening, are just the tip of the iceberg of all the heaping pile of crap my life has been. As I said, I've always had many emotional and social issues, and have seen multiple counselors, and taken everything from Paxil, to Lexapro to Zoloft you name it. Nothing works for me. I know some would consider my problems minor, but on top of existing depression problems, and the fact that I've felt suicidal MULTIPLE times in my life, make it seem like everything is crumbling down around me. If it weren't for what I thought it would do to my mom, I most likely would have done it already.

CarolDiane

replied on November 8th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Dear living_hell,
Yes, you have had it pretty bad. Your so much like me, Everytime I think the bottom has fallen out, ther is just another bottom to face. I too have lived with a family member all my life. Only one time I can remember for a bout a year I lived along with my mom and sis right across the street. I also suffer from deppression and anxiety and am on Lexepo and Klonopin. Have you tried that duo? I find after being on Xanex for over 4 years, the change is the best thing that could have happened to me. My anxiety has seemed to just have gotton so much better. I am so calm now. I take 1mg three thime a day. Then for deppresion the Lexepro is twice a day. One in the morning and one at night. I am truly surprised the Lexepro did not work for you.
I too have had a miserable life. But, as I got older learned that I can't change the world. I have to change with it. All boils down to adjustment. My heart goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say that would make everything better for you. But, I can't. Only thing I can advise you to do is try and put as much behind you as possible and consintrate on you future.
You know, you are one of the first ones I have supported that said that the only reason you would not commit suicide is because of you mom. How so many forget who they are leaving behind. I admire you for that. My son and I feel the same way. He is way I am here and I am why he is here. We support each other. My son is also on Paxil and it is worthless. Next week he is going to ask to be changed over to Lexepro for depression. He is already on Klonopin. I too have been on Paxil and it did no good. Some work good for some and other do not.
You have to try and get a grip on yourself. You are so young yet with a future ahead of you that only you can make.
Try to pick up the pieces you have and make something out of them. I know you have enough pieces to get your life back in shape. Depprssion is such a monster. Like me, I am doing really good for awhile and then like now finding out about going to court, I had to ask me Doc to double my Lexepro, which she did. I am so lucky to have a Primary Care that I knew from working at the hospital that knows me and my body funtions so very well. I have two herniated disc's that are buldging and she just wrote me another script for Vicodin ES (60 of them) one twice a day for pain.
I am here for you. Even if you just want to talk. Please don't hesitate to PM me anytime.

You are in my thoughts,
Carrie

Can anyone else please ad their thoughts for this poster. Please.

living_hell

replied on November 8th, 2007

New User

MsSky wrote:

We are even more alike than I thought. My mom also suffers from depression and anxiety, and we have always basically been each others rock. We stand by each other, even when other so-called family members would turn their backs on us. My mom made a mistake and a bad decision earlier this year, and my Aunt just jumped down her throat, and basically called her a terrible person. My Aunt used to be one of my closest relatives until she and her husband got hyper-religious a few years back. They now seem to look down on us with some kind of holier-than-thou attitude. It doesn't help that I don't believe in God and ALL my relatives do. That's probably another reason I haven't committed suicide, because I'm wary of what if anything the afterlife might actually hold. For the record, I have no problem with religious people, my Grandma is my next closest family after my mom and is a pretty staunch believer in Jesus and I get along fine with her. I just hate when REALLY religious people look down on people who don't share their beliefs. Anyway, sorry to ramble there. Thanks for the offer to talk, it helps (if only temporarily). Bye.

CarolDiane

replied on November 8th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Hey, This is the place to ramble on. That is how we are able to help you in some ways. So please, ramble as much as you like.
As you can see from my profile, I also live in florida. Cental West Coaster. Don't like the heat anymore. I guess that is why I get to deppressioned now and then. Hoping SSD will come so I can move back up north somewhere.
Please take care of yourself OK.

Carrie

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc