I've been married for a year and a half and I have a one year old son with my husband. My husband and I started on a bad foot because he lied about multiple things (unfortunately, I didn't find out about some of the stuff until after the wedding) and continue to find out more as we go along. Needless to say, we fight a lot. We fight about things that shoudln't be issues, such as lying, spending time with us, treating me with respect and honoring our marriage.
Every time we get into an arguemnt, he calls his mother and tells her a one sided story. His family doesn't like me and thinks we should seperate. in fact, he has told them that he wants to divorce me, BUT then, he calls me and apologizes and swears he won't involve his family anymore and that he wants another chance. I love him and would want my family together more than anything else, but I am fed up. I don't involve my family and definately would not tell them the things that are said in the midst of a fight, but my husband doesn't have the same filter. I feel that it is damaging and gets in the way of me truly trusting him and giving him an honest chance because I don't trust him. I'm scared to say anything or even argue with him because it will be twisted and manipulated to his family and I don't want bad blood because of my son...even if we were to get divorced. I love my son and I want what is best.
Should we divorce and how can I ensure that I keep my son with me. I'm scared of losing him to my husband if I decide to leave him?
have you ever considered marriage counseling? maybe your husband needs to hear from a neutral party that his behavior is unacceptable... sure he hears it from you but then again he probably thinks you're too emotional to think reasonable (or something in that direction). if he's not willing to go to a counselor, there are great books you could read (written by gary chapman) and maybe find a solution like that...
i hope you can figure it out!!
Thank you both for your kind replies. I have tried individual counseling and marital counseling. Individual counseling has become more focused on how to get through the daily trials of life without a supportive husband and my therapist encouraged that i speak to an attorney because she doesn'y feel my husband understands or will ever change. Marital counseling helps for a week or two, but then my husband's work schedule or something else gets in the way of going consistently.
Most recently, I found out he has been recording our telephone conversations "for proof in court" he says. He then stated that he wanted to record our fights so he could play them to his family or friends to get advice on whether it was him or me and whether I was crazy. Personally, I don't buy it. I think he's trying to catch a nasty fight in which I tell him not to come home or that I won't let him take my baby, etc.
I am very upset by this and have lost the little ounce of love I had for him. i don't trust him whatsoever, believe that he's up to no good and have scheduled a consultation with an attorny this afternoon... I will keep you updated.
I have been married 26 years and i know 2 things, if u fight everyday and he brings family in, he is a selfish bully. If he constantly pushes your buttons and diliberatly underminds you with his family, then quit while your ahead. Keep a diary of all of his abuse, if he searches the house, keep it on line under a pass word. People marriage is a loving institution, if your spouse constantly thinks he is right (right fighter), then you will never win.. Once they drag mama into it, its bullying. DO ANY OF YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR 50 YEARS? Marriage is when you wish to honor the person that you love, every second of every day. I get up and think what can i do for him today that will make his day brighter and see his smile.. don't get me wrong we fight, but we NEVER assisinate EACH OTHERS CHARACTER'S. Your children will grow up mimicing the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR.. Get out while you can, i know its hard and scary for u, but u must now think of your self and your children. Was your husband around that type of an attitude growing up? men don't get that way by them selves?? If mom and dad are so wonderful now, how were they when he was young? Mama's always side with there kids, if they were mature they would say "leave us out of it, your a man and deal with your own problems" If he says your are so stupid, then i would say "well u married me, so what does that make you? Becare full with that comment! U need to know u are beautiful and don't need to be abused for the rest of your life you need to be honored.. u are valued ladies, don't let a marriage define you, you define you.. be strong and don't be bullied, but do watch your behavior and don't feed their rages, walk away, ignore him.. Don't stay in the room, if he is bullying you . If there is physical abuse, don't egg him on.. make a plan, work with a friend to find out where you can go and get help, save and get out!
Therapy is wonderful and even if your husband will not go, you go, it will help.. remember it takes time to find a good therapist, prefably a woman as they see all sides.. good luck to u all and i wish all of you could experience a good marriage, but it takes love, comprimise, commitment and honor and a little spoiling along the way.. remember its a 2 way street ..good luck and god bless. ww
thing is, i have thought about the fact...do i wanna live like this, with no privacy for the rest of my life. i thought the same thing, we're married now and there is no reason we have to involve everyone in our family. its to a point where im afraid of saying ANYTHING i feel to him, because he's gonna go tell his dad.
i keep thinking, with time, maybe one day he'll actually believe in our marriage and understand what it means to have a wife and be a husband. i believe he's supposed to be the one person i can confide in, share my fears with and all that good stuff.....but i've realized i cant do that.
we're both east asian, and i have grown up with the notion that marriage is forever. and i truly believe that. but how do i deal with this?
he almost threatens me by saying things like, we're gonna sit down and talk about this in front of everyone, 'you brought it upon urself'.
now HOW do i trust a man, my husband!! when he says things like this!
i never thought i would have trust issues with him. i have talked about this with him, but it goes nowhere. i cant even press the issue to make him understand how i feel, because i know for a fact he's gonna go running to his parents and tell them everything. things i want HIM to know, not the family to know.
its becoming very upsetting....i dont think any person on this site wants to ask strangers for advice...but what other option is there?
he's not completely at fault when we had arguments....i know i was right up in there. but i can DEAL with that. i CANT deal with the fact that im married to a man, that i love very much, but i cant give him my whole heart. trust, i think, is the essence of a relationship. between a man and woman, how can you respect each other, love someone with every ounce of your being, when you cant trust them?
You can't lovie, if u want to talk to me privatly leave me a message and i will e-mail you back.. My best friend is married to and asian man and she is white. The asian culture is very committed to marriage, how ever your husbands behaviour is learned. His family will always see you as a bad guy, unfortunatly he is playing that card, you know the "wo is me, i done by so badly card".. families should stay out of it, thats what girlfriends are for. I am sorry to say to you but if he will not SEE his issues, there is nothing you can do. and with a child coming into the picture how is he going to feel when the child is screaming.. having a child is a gift, more than a marriage you have to put that child before YOU.. you are suffering abuse.. some men don't see the damage that has been done to them and if there family is alive and undermining you.. as hard as it is to hear, u must reevaluate your choices is..you can't live in hell, there is someone out there for you.. try and better your self, when your bickering, stop and say to him"do you relize that OUR baby is hearing "US" fighting as their 1st sounds.. no one is always right, you are going to win some battles and loose some battles in marriage, take the high road and say i am not going to bicker for the sake of you, don't egg each other on, walk out of the room.. If he is an ass, he cooks, does laundry everything him self.. try and go stay with someone for awhile to clear your head. If his family is so important than he should make a choice, if he promises never to do it again, and he does, demand marriage councleing and he has to go and listen, practice and learn.
DO NOT LIVE IN A BATTLE GROUND you deserve better. There are many places that will help you..as for taking the baby, there has to be serious reasons for removing a infant from its mother, not just what his family & he says.. stand up tall, he's bulling you because he can, u can only change you and your babys life. make a plan.. and its ok to leave a marriage ladies, if the abuse you in any way LEAVE..My husband treats me like gold and i am very ill, i think he knows i will not always be around, so love me while you got me lol! But we try and make each others dreams come true, he would never try and silence me, impossible, i have too much respect for my self, my knowledge, my wit and my brain.. remember take the high road, don't bicker its undermining to you.. ttyl ww