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I've never really been able to talk to anyone about my problems face to face. I guess it's pretty common. I have good family and friends but even that isn't enough. I am an only child, I've always been alone and had to learn everything for myself. I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, i've lost friends, almost all of them, terminated relationships which never had a chance in the first place because of my issues. most people tell me not to complain if I do mention something because they think I have a great life. That makes me more depressed because i feel like I have no reason for my short comings. I grew up 20 minutes outside Manhattan where the attitude is be strong. I've always maintained that but it's all just a facade. I've lived in Hollywood for a few years and traveled extensively. Basically I've experienced what many would like to but I always feel empty, always alone. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it, my life used to be picture perfect and I have watched it burn to the ground and I'm only 26. I have no one I can really turn to, there is no one left. I'm always running, always moving around the country but my issues follow me everywhere and things always turn out the same. At times I've turned to drugs and alcohol but was lucky enough it didn't ruin my life more, it only set me back. I'm in treatment but even that I feel is getting me nowhere. I just want someone to understand what I'm saying without passing judgement. I wonder if the mistakes I've made are reversible, usually when I try to sleep at night I don't believe they are. I keep wanting my old life back but I know that wont happen. I cant move foward, I feel stuck, trapped in cage I feel I've built myself. I dont seem to care much about anything and i dont want to bother others with my problems or depress anyone else. My problems have affected my family in such a negative way that it depresses me so much i dont know if I have the strength in me to carry on. I just thought maybe writing about it, where others could see this might help. I wish I had more people to talk to or felt more comfortable discussing these things that are slowly draining all the joy and color out of my life. I used to be someone everyone wanted to be around. Now I'm just a messed up person who finds himself alone and is almost out of hope
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replied November 9th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Dear Swrite1
Sorry we missed this one.
Your life sounds almost like a mirror of mine. I have learned that I have to realize there are things that are totally out of my control and there are things that I can make better. I try to focus on those things that I know I can change and make things for me a happier place to live. We all have a tendency to look at the all the pieces of our puzzel and just set there and wonder how the heck to put them to gether. Well, you start with one piece at a time and just calmly look for the next piece that might fit. I may take a week, it may take a month, it may take a year. But, piece by piece you will be able to get that puzzle together. Also find yourself a good counslor. One you can take to and feel confortable with. One you can open up totally too. That is so important. What it all boils down to is that you have to help yourself too. There is no magic in getting better. You are not alone, believe me.
Just today I have to call my doctor to add my Xanax back on my list of meds as a back up to my Klonopin cause I had such a frantic attack. Over something I can not change the outcome of. That is the worst part.

Carrie
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replied November 9th, 2007
Thanx
It's always good to know there are others like you even if you already knew it. Affirmation is powerful. Xanax, Klonopin, Valium...I've had to use from time to time. Ritalin and Adderol too. Seems like I've sampled the whole store sometimes. I've been thrown out of my comfort zone, thats for sure. I do take things a day at a time, sometimes hour by hour if necessary. i try to find the positive needle in the perverbial haystack. I try to rebuild some of what I've lost, but when you had very high expectations you thought you could achieve realzing your not even at baseline can be an overwhelming feeling for me. I realize the ramafications of the behavior I've exhibited and even though others forgive me for things I can't find it in me to forgive myself. I suppose when I look at the puzzle I can only see the pieces next to me, like I'm too close to see the big picture. It's such a bad feeling when you can't remember what it felt like to be happy. I constantly have to travel from NY to LA and back again. It makes it hard to be grounded or start to build a life .
Thanks for the post. It made my day a little better
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replied November 10th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Yeah,I'm sure glad my Doc knows me for the past 6 years and has seen me at work, cause she would really think I was an addicted just being there two days ago and writting me another RX for #60 Vicodin ES for my disc back pain with three refills. Granted yes, buldging disc's are very painful but, she has a heck of alot of trust in me.

Just try and remember hon, there is power in positive thinking, I try and remember that. Don't always help, but I sure dang try. Wink I am counting on you getting through this. And you will! Hope I was of some help to you. Just try solving one thing at a time, you will find it will go easier for you.

Keep in touch OK

Hugs,
Carrie
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