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Never Had a Girlfriend

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I need to get this off my chest, am 29 year old guy who has never dated in my life. I have always been shy around other people, in fact, as far back as I can remember going back to elementary school. Recently, I had just gotten out of the military about 2 months ago. I remember when I joined 7 years ago thinking that it was going to change my life, you know? Start making friends, learn a career and a trade, travel, and finally get a girlfriend, well all of that never happened. I had been struggling with depression during my whole term, and finally got discharged because of it,, actually they wrote Honorable Dishcharge with a "Personality Disorder" on my 214 when I got out. The fact was, I had become so fed up, doing everything I knew how to do in life, and got little or no result and felt that I was incapatable with the military after 7 years. They made see a psychologist, put me on celexia, etc., now am transitioned back into civilian life.
I don't take the anti-d's anymore, but had recently quit a couple of jobs due to my anxiety around people, which stemed from years of verbal and some physical abuse by my peers in school. I spoke to a female psychiatrist who started asking me all the personal questions as to try to find out why I feel the way I do now which went a little like this:

Doc: So, why did you come to see me today?

Me: Not sure, I just got out of the military, and have already quit two jobs since then.

Doc: Why?

Me: Because I'm not really comfortable around others..never have been

Doc: Have you ever had a gf?

Me: No, I have never dated before

Doc: Are you gay?

At this point, I went from feeling a little ashamed by the nature of this questions, to almost furious when she asked me if I was gay. Am I gay?? I was at the point I could have picked up the couch I was sitting on and smacked her with it. I couldn't believe this person who apparently was going by the text book style of questioning for depressed people as myself, had just try to insuiate that because I am 29 years old, never have dated, never have asked out a girl, don't know what the hell to say to girls, have always have had people as well as authority figures in my life do nothing but tell me to shut up, and never mind the fact that I am attracted to woman and not men,, according to her I must be gay. While maintaining my composure and restoring my anger, I got up, walked to the door, turned around and told her "I'm gay??, well, your'e the reason that they invented twin beds" and walked out.
The only thing I have ever in my life since I was in high school was a girlfriend. I have gone through my life watching as other guys are successful in life,, as though as they were born with a silver spoon in their ass or something, while I just stand back and watch as they get all the women. It really never helped either that I have been an only child.
Through school, I was socially awkward, I never played any sports, was mediocre at best with my academics, and on top of it all,, my mother was overpossesive, nice lady, but really overpossesive, you know, afraid that I'll get hurt if I play football and all that crap. As far as friends, I have never had any,,, I never knew what I have doing wrong for all these years, but when I watch other people co exist and socialize,, it seems to come so natural to them.
SO, with all that said, basically, I would just like some down to earth advice sans the obivous: see a shrink, take pills, etc, because I know the whole f***n world cannot possibly be on wellbutrin and such,, at least for the simple task of going out and meeting/talking to girls, and yes I understand that some people have to take it and they depend on it.
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replied November 4th, 2007
Experienced User
Wow...lot of emotion behind that...I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time. I really am...I was pretty much where you are when I was your age--not the same STUFF going on, but at the same level of frustration, probelms (probably a lot worse, actually...)

Anyway...I have to say, that I think the Dr's question was jsut that--a question. It's kinda the next, first logical step in that line of questions--she doesn't know you, she's trying to get the picture. I mean, it's not that common for a guy not to have had a gf at your age, so she's trying to get an idea why that might be. The most OBVIOUS reason is that a person is gay. That does not mean that you are gay, or even that SHE thinks you are gay or even that you are in ANY way abnormal....but DRs use a process of ruling out the obvious things until they get to what's going on. That's just how it works. If a Dr I dont' know asks me if I'm gay, it's not an indictment.....that's what psychiatrists do. They meet you, talk to you, try to get an idea of who you are, what's bothering you, and how they can best help. It's actually pretty straighforward.

The problem is that THAT WASN'T YOUR PROBLEM...and you have been really bothered by it for a really long time. It sounds to me like you had a LOT invested in that DR's visit--maybe had high expectations--and you were REALLY focused on that one thing. So when she asked you that, instead of being able to say NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, in fact, it's quite a problem that I haven't had a gf, you got upset.

I TOTALLY understand what you mean when you talk about people seeming to socialize and co exist with such ease. I myself find myself scratching my head wondering what the secret is. There's a new sitcom on cbs on mon about these young physics profs, and this last week they went to a party and sat on the couch and observed the "normal" people, trying to figure out how to get in on the social action. I was like "YESSSSS!!!!" Interacting with people in person baffles me somewhat, although you might never know it, as I have honed some pretty good presentaion skills over the years. But I'm not the same as my siblings. They seem to make friends easily and get along much better in the world.

There are several things that coudl be going on here. There is a condition called Asperger's Syndrome. These peeople tend to have difficulty making friends, although they crave friends as much as you and I do. But there are a lot of other things that go along with AS that may not pertain to you, I don't know.

From what you've said here, the most likely thing that I would guess is social anxiety disorder, which IS treated with certain of the antideressants and some therapy. But all in all, I think that would kind of be good news. From what little I know, people with this problem get lots of relief with the proper treatment.

The other thing is that there can be some comfort in figuring out what's actually going on--then you know what to do for it, for one, and also, you can meet other people who have similar issues and talk about how they have overcome obstacles. I personally would encourage you to TRY getting help again. I mean...what are you really going to accomplish on the internet? By walking out on that DR you shut the door on an opportunity for help--and by saying that I'm not indicting you. I jsut mean that if that ONE thing had not happened (if she had not asked that question and you had not had that reaction) your life might be a lot different right now.

Look up AS and Social Anxiety Disorder on the net, maybe, see wha tyou think. It can take a while to get used to the lingo...have you ever looked at the NAMI site? It is for people with problems and their families, very user-friendly.

The LAST thing in the world I want to do is upset you further, but I have a lot of experience with doctors and even a master's in psychology. If my language seems formal and straightforward, that's why. I hope you find what you need. I DO think that if you keep pushing forward, trying to find an answer, and MAYBE keeping a semi, partially open mind about diagnosis and treatment, you can find a lot of relief.

Good luck! I'm curious to know what happens.
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replied November 4th, 2007
i never had a gf, im 15.
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replied November 4th, 2007
Appreciate the support daff, thank you
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replied November 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I want to add- if you aren't really getting along with your doc or psychologist, remember that you are the one paying them and you have every right to go find a different one. Set up a few consults with new psychologists just to see how you get along with them and choose the one you trust. If you don't have a good relationship, it's not going to be helpful.
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replied November 5th, 2007
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What Georgia said.

Additionally, I think that you have to get your anxiety/depression taken care of before you can hope to have a successful relationship with a woman. I normally find that other people can't make depression go away (even if they're the type of person you've always wanted). Only you can do that through your own efforts, whether it be seeing a psychiatrist you really trust... trying different medications... etc. etc.

I wish you luck, my friend!
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replied November 6th, 2007
maybe going thru being in the service has been a lot for you and you've had a lot on your plate in the past . How about some just plain old female friends to talk to and become more comfortable with woman in general ?
I added you as a friend so if you ever feel the need to get something off your chest again I'm all ears . Just becautioned I sometimes need to vent myself and I can be a PITA LOL . I'm suffering from depression myself and dealt with lots of (and still am) self esteem issues . I'm thinking I know where your coming from .
Hope things look up for you !!
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replied December 25th, 2007
thank you conanvette. and this site. i have skimmed through the threads.
i realize now there are many people like me. but that doesnt solve anything. that just means i can see into my future.
the solution i must fix my eyes into my ulterior motives. i have to stop dwelling here. they are watching, searching. i cannot be found.
it's natural. it's natural selection.

i know this doesnt make sense but it makes perfect sense to me; i just omitted some words. thnx for letting me vent. i just need closure. i am risking the achievement of my goal by surfing around this topic. so bye.
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replied June 20th, 2010
lets do away with all the women. all of my problems will be solved with the media manipulated pawns who want a knight in a shining porsche instead of a knight with honour. women have no honour, all my life i've been wondering why. why am i alone? i try to be a good and honour man in every aspect of my life. i kneel down to give a homeless person some change instead of just throwning it at him. what do women what??? well my conclusion is that they want a brad pitt punk. god i hope that man meets the most painful end along with his biological children. i refuse to be courteous to any women any more.
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replied June 20th, 2010
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It sounds like you have a lot of bad experiences with women in your life and I'm very sorry to hear that. I know that it is easy to blame all women and to think that all women are like the ones you have come in contact with. I have had similar experiences like you have had but, the difference is mine have been with men. I have a great job and it makes it easy for me to help others which I love to do. I give money to people in need and my time to those who may need me to do things for them. I work a lot and when I'm off I enjoy being around children. Men seem to take my kindness for a weakness and walk all over me. Until one day I sat down and asked myself what I am I doing to attract this type of men. I composed a list of what they all had in common and stuff like that. Well to make a long story short it ws the choices I was making in the company I kept rather than all men being dogs and users. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, I'm just saying don't give up on women just yet you may still find that special someone.
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replied June 21st, 2010
my whole life i've tried to do the right thing. women have more power than they realize and yet they complain about not having equality. i don't have people holding the door for me. i don't have people helping me when it comes to physical labour (not that i need it). when a women is in trouble; about 50 men come to her aid. i remember when i was in highschool. i was standing by the exit during my lunch. this guy throws an eraser at this girl and walks away and she thought it was me. she calls her friend and her fried grabs my shirt from the neck and pulls and rips it. the original girls spits on me. another conclusion i have reached about women is that when they are crossed or screwed over they take that hate that they've been subjected onto a person whose face resembles hate(in other words not so good looking). i've had many experiences such as this one. where's the equality there. i have a sister that used to call me "ugly face" everyday. i remember my grandma gave me 50 dollars (nicest thing anyone has ever done for me still to this day) and my parents steal that money from me to buy my sister a fashionable jacket. i remember before i got my part-time job all my clothing was from goodwill while my lucked out in the gene pool brother and sister got whatever they wanted. BURN THEM ALL I SAY. all you people give advice on here saying "wait, things will change" or "you'll meet her". yesterday, i was going home from work. this guy with his girlfriend asked me if i had a dollor. i did not have a dollar but gave him a 5 dollar bill. he replied saying "god bless you" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA as if. my advice to everyone here who has never had a girlfriend is that screw it. don't bother find the reason why you don't and brew yourself with HATE. that is all i have and that is all you should have. it is pure and it is consistent. to hell with you media manipulated pawn beings that we call women. they are more subjective then any other creature on this planet.
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replied June 30th, 2010
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I'm sorry you feel this way. Have your tried talking to someone about all the anger you have inside? I ask this because if you have a lot of built up anger causing undo stress it can effect your health negatively. Both women and men have obstucles in life it's how we go about over coming them defines who we are. I'm very sure that there are females out there that were mistreated as a child. I'm sorry to hear that someone in school treated you like that. But, there comes a time in life where we have to stop being the victim and start being the survivor. What I mean by this is to let all the anger go we cannot change our past but, we have control over our future.
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replied February 26th, 2012
You should read the books by the Psychiatrist Conrad Baars. Reallly good. By the way, your post could apply to me. No boyfriend, never asked on a date. However, my platonic male friend broke my heart. I didn't know your heart could be broken in friendship. What hurts the most is that this friend is hurting. He's hurting so bad. We won't ever see eachother again. I can't even apologise because I hurt him so many times he doesn't want to ever talk to me again. The worst thing is that this friend is hurt. Why did I not believe he had feelings? How are you doing right now, dear friend.Please don't be hurting. May other people bring you great joy. Forget entirely me and all my selfishness. You are amazing and should be happy all your life. Please tell God you believe in Him and want to be happy after death in heaven.
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replied May 24th, 2012
Im with uk2k9999, very valid points and argument.

and im sorry gotquestions1524 but you replied with the generic "im sorry you feel this way" kind of useless and irrelevant.
Not to mention you probably don't, i mean what use is any of these suggestions?
I bet more than half the people on here giving advice have never had to go through most of these things, they have had everything given to them and just not realized it.
Thats what's annoying, they give advice like "one day you'll find her", "it's easy, I can do it so why can't you?"
Coming from people who were never "off the horse" so to speak, your advice means nothing
They are just YOUR version of how YOUR life worked out so dont go around acting like your yoda.
Its people like you that make the world such an irritating place to live in for us who CHOOSE to be passive and turn the other cheek, ignorant fools like you ingore the facts and go with 'public opinion' because you can't sacrifice your 'status'.
Dont get me started on the whole 'cool' and 'uncool' mentality, if your an adult and you still steriotype in that manner you are not actually 'grown-up' you just dress up as one.
Thats the problem right there with people and their standard of humility.
In this world most people don't understand anything, they have an idea but some never fully grasp it.
Like the word 'Love", its been thrown around and used up so much i can barely recognise it.
One week one couple is "In Love" and then the next week they are both loving someone completely different, so yeah as the Joker said it's all one big joke.
We are in denial, we are living a fantasy and one that cannot be sustained forever.
This world IS broken and until we all grow up and realize we are not the pinnacle of exhistence that will never change.
I mean why do you think the rest of the world hates us.
It's like this world is a building, its foundations are faulty so therefore the rest of it is faulty.
so yeh to the topic starter, you can take the correct although generic advice of getting help but when the world is whats broken, what can you do really?
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