Messed Up, Cheated On Wife Posted: 11-03-07 10:46am
A few years ago my wife fought cancer and
wound up having a hysterectomy. She is
doing fine now but since that time she has
had little if any interest in sex. She
gained weight and seems to be interested
in everything under the sun except me.
Prior to this we always had a very healthy
sex life. Along about this same time I
became attracted to a young lady I had met
through work. We became close friends and
she really helped me cope with what my
wife was going through. As time went on
one thing lead to another and I finally
wound up in a 3 year affair. Now my
mistress is moving on with her life. She
says she loves me but she wants us to be
just friends. I love her too and I still
love my wife but there is no affection in
our relationship. What I am left with is
a life that looks good on the outside but
it is really a train wreck. I have no one
to talk to that I can trust to keep this
quiet. How can I get my life back on
track?
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sillyakchick
Moderator
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2701
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Posted: 11-03-07 11:02am
Come clean and then you will have to let
the chips fall. She may or may not be
able to come to terms with it. They
always say that infidelity is a symptom of
something deeper, which in your case seems
to be true. Maybe you have grown apart
and you would both be more satisfied
apart. Maybe you can tell her and she
will forgive you and the two of you can
start over. I dont know, but I think she
deserves to know the truth.
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MessedUp
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-03-07 12:40pm
That seems like sound advice. If I tell
the truth though I have the potential to
destroy the lives of my wife, kids, and
the woman I had the affair with. If I
keep quiet then it is my burden to bear.
I know, I should have thought about that
before I got into this.
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The Mrs
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 451 Location: , Texas
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Posted: 11-03-07 15:30pm
It's not "your burden to bear." Your wife
is married to you, and she deserves to
know, especially if you say you still love
her. You are not protecting her by not
telling her. More than likely she has
some sort of clue anyway, but regardless,
you are married. She needs to know and
deserves the opportunity to deal with it
as she sees fit. You said that your life
looks good on the outside, but really it's
a train wreck. That makes me wonder if
your wife has no idea at all what is going
on. Please respect her enough to let her
know. What hurts the most in situations
like this is the fact that the partner
doesn't respect the other enough to let
them know what is really going on in the
relationship. You should have talked to
her about your feelings a long time ago,
and she would have been given the
opportunity to fix them.
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sillyakchick
Moderator
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2701
Thanks: 6
Thanked:1
Posted: 11-03-07 19:38pm
MessedUp
wrote:
That seems like sound
advice. If I tell the truth though I
have the potential to destroy the lives of
my wife, kids, and the woman I had the
affair with. If I keep quiet then it is
my burden to bear. I know, I should have
thought about that before I got into
this.
That is true, but the truth, I think, is
more important. I would rather know about
it if my husband did this than hear about
it later from someone else. It will
eventually come out. The truth can set
you both free. Maybe this is the obstacle
that has formed in the relationship? Some
sort of guilty distance on your part
leading to distance on her part?
I really do wish you luck. I don't have
much more helpful advice to give.
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MessedUp
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-04-07 12:43pm
Thanks to both of you. It really helps
to have someone listen objectively and
offer advice.
I am wondering are there any men out there
that have gone through something similar
that could share their experience?
Thanks again.
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sillyakchick
Moderator
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2701
Thanks: 6
Thanked:1
Posted: 11-04-07 15:29pm
My husband hasn't been through this, but I
asked him about this to get a man's point
of view. He said that if it were him, he
would NOT want to know about the affair if
it was over and the guilty party was
making amends. He indicated that he would
instead reccommend a counseling for the
both of you and if the counselor thought
it would bear fruit for this confession to
come out, then it would be OK to do so
with the direction of the counselor. I
don't necessarily agree with him, but that
was his advice as a male. It's pretty
interesting to me that we have such a
fundamental disagreement on this.
Hopefully this never comes up, because we
obviously don't agree!
