Relationships and Marriage Forum - Messed Up, Cheated On Wife

A few years ago my wife fought cancer and wound up having a hysterectomy. She is doing fine now but since that time she has had little if any interest in sex. She gained weight and seems to be interested in everything under the sun except me. Prior to this we always had a very healthy sex life. Along about this same time I became attracted to a young lady I had met through work. We became close friends and she really helped me cope with what my wife was going through. As time went on one thing lead to another and I finally wound up in a 3 year affair. Now my mistress is moving on with her life. She says she loves me but she wants us to be just friends. I love her too and I still love my wife but there is no affection in our relationship. What I am left with is a life that looks good on the outside but it is really a train wreck. I have no one to talk to that I can trust to keep this quiet. How can I get my life back on track?

Replies(6)

sillyakchick

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Come clean and then you will have to let the chips fall. She may or may not be able to come to terms with it. They always say that infidelity is a symptom of something deeper, which in your case seems to be true. Maybe you have grown apart and you would both be more satisfied apart. Maybe you can tell her and she will forgive you and the two of you can start over. I dont know, but I think she deserves to know the truth.

MessedUp

replied on November 3rd, 2007

New User

That seems like sound advice. If I tell the truth though I have the potential to destroy the lives of my wife, kids, and the woman I had the affair with. If I keep quiet then it is my burden to bear. I know, I should have thought about that before I got into this.

The Mrs

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Experienced User

It's not "your burden to bear." Your wife is married to you, and she deserves to know, especially if you say you still love her. You are not protecting her by not telling her. More than likely she has some sort of clue anyway, but regardless, you are married. She needs to know and deserves the opportunity to deal with it as she sees fit. You said that your life looks good on the outside, but really it's a train wreck. That makes me wonder if your wife has no idea at all what is going on. Please respect her enough to let her know. What hurts the most in situations like this is the fact that the partner doesn't respect the other enough to let them know what is really going on in the relationship. You should have talked to her about your feelings a long time ago, and she would have been given the opportunity to fix them.

sillyakchick

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

MessedUp wrote:

That is true, but the truth, I think, is more important. I would rather know about it if my husband did this than hear about it later from someone else. It will eventually come out. The truth can set you both free. Maybe this is the obstacle that has formed in the relationship? Some sort of guilty distance on your part leading to distance on her part?

I really do wish you luck. I don't have much more helpful advice to give.

MessedUp

replied on November 4th, 2007

New User

Thanks to both of you. It really helps to have someone listen objectively and offer advice.

I am wondering are there any men out there that have gone through something similar that could share their experience?

Thanks again.

sillyakchick

replied on November 4th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

My husband hasn't been through this, but I asked him about this to get a man's point of view. He said that if it were him, he would NOT want to know about the affair if it was over and the guilty party was making amends. He indicated that he would instead reccommend a counseling for the both of you and if the counselor thought it would bear fruit for this confession to come out, then it would be OK to do so with the direction of the counselor. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that was his advice as a male. It's pretty interesting to me that we have such a fundamental disagreement on this. Hopefully this never comes up, because we obviously don't agree!

I hope this has helped you a little.

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