Darn It, This Stinks

I am so freakin' depressed right now. I have to leave to go to work around 6:40 or else I am late. It's only two days a week but it's so hard to make it on time. I have been late three times but since about five staff members depend on me (I lead meetings), I need to be on time. This morning I was about 35 minutes late. The principal had a "talk" with me and I just bursted out in tears. I literally couldn't get out of bed this morning because I think depression is hitting me. I tried so hard but the exhaustion was overwhelming. It already takes me 45 min. to get to work and since the elementary school starts at 8:00, I need to be there at 7:45.

Things have been slowly building up. My son, nathan, was dx with Autism at age 2. He was undx but I suspect he is still on the spectrum. When he was three months, he didn't even look at me. He would just look at things in his environment. I didn't feel too guilty when I had to go back to work full time because the connection wasn't hardly there. He didn't seem to notice how I was different then a stranger. When I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months, it was hard but not too hard. He never coo'ed and hardly babbled. He very rarely smiled at me. He was interested in new faces and smiled sometimes with them, but that was still a little rare. I knew then he had a lot of autism features. Now Brian is 3 1/2 months and he smiles at me all the time. He actually turns his head sometimes when I call his name (very unusual at this age). Nate didn't even respond to his name at 2 years (common for children who are on the autism spectrum). Brian is already starting to cry when I am not around and then feels comforted when I am there. Nathan was never like that. Just the connection Brian has with me is something I never had with Nathan.

Can you imagine having a child that doesn't hardly make eye contact with you or show any interest in you?? Nathan does now. He has come a very long way but still has some difficulties. You would never know he is on the spectrum unless you see him in specific situations. It is hard leaving Brian just for the two days a week I do work. It's so hard because now I see what I never had with Nathan. Brian is a typical developing child. The guilt and sadness is just so intense. I feel guilty that I don't feel as connected with nathan when he was a baby. It wasn't his fault at all. He was the cutest little baby. I gave him loads of kisses and provided him a lot of intervention that I knew to do because of my educational background.

I feel such sadness because Nathan has just started Karate and I see how he really can't keep up with the constant transition of activities and just gets so distracted even in a very small group. He is highly intelligent, almost gifted (like his dad) but if he can't function around a group of kids then his intelligence really doesn't matter. ADHD is also a possibility because it runs in our family and he is already exhibiting the signs of it, darn it. I was told by the karate head that we should consider a Montessori for his kindergarten year or a private school with a smaller group of kids. I was already thinking that but it's hard when other people tell you that. This woman has taught karate to kids for 30 years so she really can tell. Nathan is in preschool and has attended two other preschools in the past few years. All have stated that he does get way overstimulated around a group of kids. Sometimes he will actually cover his ears and say, "You are hurting my ears or you are talking too much." Hypersensitivity is very common for children on the autism spectrum, sensory integration disorder and ADHD. So, seeing Nathan like this breaks my heart because I see how HARD children who are a bit older than him have it in school. I am the person who develops behavior intervention plans for those kids, dx them for special education and work with parents, teachers and staff to help them reach their full potential.

So, my depression just hit yesterday. I haven't stopped crying since. My poor Nate. If you knew him, you would probably think he is the funniest little guy. He is very sociable now. Seeing him struggle so much in a group of people is so hard. He starts kindergarten next year and I fear the battle will start.

OH...I also feel guilt because I get so annoyed with Nathan, very annoyed. He NEVER stops talking, which is often common with Aspergers children. Even if you leave, he will still talk. It is so constant and I lose patience. I feel so bad for him. I wish that I was more easy going.

that's not everything. As I drive home, I think of other little things that just make me bawl. I am sitting here, crying. I never had postpartum issues with Nathan.

Two weeks ago I stopped taking Zoloft. I started taking it while Brian was in NICU because I feared postpartum depression. A psychiatrist told me to stop taking it because it's not the right med for me. He stated that in order to get on the right med., I need to stop breastfeeding. I am NOT stopping that unless I get suicidal or something. I have such a connection going with Brian and he seems to love it so much. I just can't. I think it's more difficult because I didn't have any of this kind of connection with Nate due to his lack of eye contact and interest in me. I am sure my psychiatrist will let me back on Zoloft until I am ready to stop breastfeeding. Only 3% of the Zoloft is actually secreted through the breastmilk according to studies.



I may be at the point of being a danger behind the wheel due to my slow thinking and reflexes. Yesterday that guy called me "stup.. Bi..h" because I didn't see him trying to cross the cross walk. Today, I almost pulled in front of another person driving and my mind seemed quick but the reflexes were extremely slow. I thought I had put on my break quicker than I really had and came extremely close to hitting him. Is this what depression really feels like? I have honestly never suffered depression before.