Bipolar Disorder Forum - S O Needs a Bit of Pep Talk

Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum > S O Needs a Bit of Pep Talk - Bipolar Husband

Do you know what bipolar is exactly? And what types of bipolar do doctors classify and diagnose? Learn more basics about bipolar disorder here....

Q: S O Needs a Bit of Pep Talk - Bipolar Husband

asked by: astrid 10 on November 2nd, 2007

New User

i think i.m losing it
my husband of 27 years was provisionally diagnosed with BP about 6 years ago.
he had a pretty awful childhood,
BP mother (undiagnosed)
violent and bullying father (authoritarian control freak)
we spent a reasonably contented 20 years traveling around. relationship always a bit volatile
but we loved each other (well i think he loved me)
he was my bright star, often moody but i put it down to the "cave" thing and learned to leave him be
he is not physically violent but can avoid conflict by running rings around me, turning everthing back on me so disscussion was impossiable

about 6 yo he had his first major episode. business deal went wrong symptoms heavy drinking, loss of appitite, pacic attacks, paranoia
this followed hyper euphoria huge spending etc

had to get the CAT team out (crisis team)

now he recognises he is BP but wont see anyone
last year he started getting irrationally angry and pushed me off a chair and sat on me and was quite violent

I immediatly went to the police and asked them to phone him and give him a warning (had to draw the line somwhere)
this worked as he started taking his sodium valporate and has been good in taking them but drinks about 2ltrs of wine per day

the problem is he seems to be flat all the time,
uncommunicative
wont deal with finances, ignors mail including bills, spends indiscrimiatly
he's going to run into real trouble with tax office.

he seems to be fixated on his parents who continue to harrass and bully him (he only told me about his childhood and the beatings he copped 2 years ago )

his response when it all gets too much is to hop on a plane to japan or the UK for a job interview,
he gives me no warning and somtimes just disappears for a week or so and then rings to say hes got a job there and stays away until he either finishes a short contract or gets the sack.

he has a heart problem but parties like a madman when hes away
leaves me with huge bills and no means to pay them
I have to cope with his mother freaking out
his father making demands for his phone number
I know he sees other women when he's away on a high but have learned that this is part of his mania as is his irrational spending

I really love him as do the kids(hes good and always gentle with them even if he dosent do much with them)

last week he came home from is normal job here, and said he had a job interview in japan and would be away a week, he hasnt called .

I dont know if i can cope with it again
i dont want to leave him because
1 Ilove him
2 the kids love him
3 financial situation and attendant hardship for kids

but my health is starting to suffer

Replies(12)

daffodil67

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Experienced User

OK...um, you say he's good about taking, Depakote? I think? Maybe not so much, as he seems to be having a lot of manic-type symptoms. Plus, 2 liters of wine a day is enough to mess with ANY psychotropic drug's efficacy. People who take mood stabilizers DO complain about feeling "flat," but the chaos you have going on doesnt' sound flat. Maybe he is not on enough, or maybe he's not taking them because he LIKES the highs and the chaos.

I understand why you need a pep talk!!! Gosh...the whole situation sounds so out of control. The part of me that feels activated to respond is the relationship skills part, the boundary setting part, not the mental illness part. I mean, if HE were on here asking "what's happening to me?" my answer would be much different than what I feel like talking to YOU about.

He grew up in chaos....the parents still seem perhaps over-involved/boundary-less

You and the kids need stability.

It sounds like he needs THERAPY, not jsut med mgmt, as he has ISSUES that may be feuling his tendancy to not want to get his illness and LIFE under control.

You had the police draw a line for you.

Perhaps you need to draw another line for him and tell him he needs to get things under control if he wants to continue in the relationship---it could be the most loving thing you could do--for HIM as well as YOU and your kids.

(Honestly, this reminds me of when the husband is alcoholic and does not have another mental illness. The chaos, the lack of responsibility, not knowing what is best for your kids...and he IS drinking quite a bit--I mean, 2 liters is 2 whole bottles, right? You might want to even talk to soem people in AlAnon...they are PROS at figuring out situations such as this, and frankly, alcohol probably has a great deal to do with ehat's happened recently, as the increased use seems to coincide with a lot of the more erratic behavior.)

Your HEALTH is starting to suffer. DAD can't take care of those kids...YOU need to be well...PERIOD.

Good luck...I'll be watching for posts, so fire away if you feel like it!

abnrmlmind

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Experienced User

usually therapy or counceling is continued along with medication. sometimes medication increasement might be needed when going through hard times. that could be why hes drinking. self medication is a quick way of dealing with a mental illness. but also can cause a crippling effect on medication and the mind. help and guidance is needed and perhaps you should look for professional help instead of distance uneducated opinions.

daffodil67

replied on November 3rd, 2007

Experienced User

Distance unedcucated opinions?? LOL

She said "now he recognises he is BP but wont see anyone"

The advice you give is great, abnormal, except for this little tidbit, which it looks liek you missed. It happens.

He definitely seems to need professional help, but where is the spouse supposed to go? I did not think her post was as weird as some of the people on here who are actually HAVING bizarre, serious symptoms of mental illness asking if they indeed have a mental illness (THEY should see a doctor...)

abnrmlmind

replied on November 4th, 2007

Experienced User

distant uneducated opinions i mean she needs to seek physical help from a doctor. so i apoligize. advice is what everyone here is for.

daffodil67

replied on November 4th, 2007

Experienced User

Gotcha...only problem is that SHE is not the patient and HE refuses to go. And not ALL the distant opinions are uneducated, but I DO understand the caveat. Perhaps a therapist of some sort woudl help...but then, I'm pretty well sure that so will AlAnon...

astrid 10

replied on November 5th, 2007

New User

hi,
thanks for all your careing advice
he hasnt turned up
re his meds he takes 2x500 epilim and he does take them
he didnt seem particularly manic when he left
unfortunatly a-anon is part of the prob
hid dad joined when he was about 5 and totally neglected his family except when he wasnt laying down the law or beating his 5yo son
christmas was always filled with guests drying out andd to much harsh religion
funny he always has his worst flip outs around xmas
I know it helps a lot of people but in the hands of a bullying control freak it can add power to those who misuse it.

I think i'll get some therapy for myself to keep me strong
cheers.
one of the great things about these forums, i helps be focus that his behavior is not him but his disorder
Ive known him since he was 16 been together for 27 years
so i know he is not just an assh--l
I somtimes think that in trying to stand up for himself he's gone too far in the "no-ones going to tell me what to do"
and has lost sight of all responsibility

I have heard BP called a selfish dissorder but I think this is wrong
I think that when normally kind people behave irrationally and thoughtlessly it's because they cant see the effects of their behavior on others.
similarly with the lying, when they come down they can always see a rational reason for the behavior and this becomes thier truth.

thanks again
astrid

abnrmlmind

replied on November 5th, 2007

Experienced User

xmas must bring a lot of stress for him. i usually start to trip up around thanksgiving. i think its because i end up having so much to do with family and all. that and i cant go to the store because theres so many people out. which then comes my birthday and of course xmas. stress is the leading cause to my problems and i believe the way i assess the situations.

daffodil67

replied on November 5th, 2007

Experienced User

Stress!!! Yes, me too...I totally understand about acting out cause of the upbringing...I'm glad you seem to see the he is not his behaviors. I was jsut worried about you and your kids. Cause if he's sort of "not there" in terms of responsibility, that leaves it to you, and it's such a big responsiblity.

Good luck...
Sarah

TMJWorld

replied on November 5th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

he may need an increase in depakote

astrid 10

replied on November 6th, 2007

New User

he's run of before
I just wait until he calls,
my kids are 14 and 10 and worry why he dosent call,
the hardest thing is trying to convince them that hes just absent minded (which is true in a big way)
I dont want to worry them unnessecarily as he may turn up tomorrow
he's only been " missing" 3 days this time
last time he called after 10 days and was home 2 weeks later
I'm coping, and took the kids fishing this morning
finananially I'm OK for about 2 months
I took precautions last time and have a slush fund

so my position isnt as bad as for some

but i worry if hes phyisically ill or in jail (japan can hold 23 days without notifying anyone

on the other hand this may be the wake up that he needs to get treatment.

his parents have left 2 messages in 7 days for him to ring them
I dont want to tell them that he's missing again.
that caused a whole lot of crap last time

wobbly Smile

as
astrid

EndlessApathy

replied on November 9th, 2007

New User

Oh yea there we go, drug him up and mess with his frontal lobe some more! No, what hubby needs is to grow up and be a big boy and stop the heavy drinking. If I can do it as a BP college student, he can do it as a grown man with a family.

goldeeelocs

replied on November 17th, 2007

New User

Astrid

OMG my husband sounds very much like that...He owns his own business, has been fairly sucessfull, we've had fun time and he does a lot for me. But, then he will blow up over the smallest things or carry some issue for days, being mad. He's been gambling for the last year or two...out of control. Bus. is failing, our marriage is failing, he just doesn't come home some days. I've tried counseling, he won't go. I threatened selling our home, divorce...nothing works. He comes home says we'll work it out and behaves for a month, only now it's only a week, then only 3 days, before there is major trouble. It's like he just doesn't even think of me, just leaves work early goes to the bars with his "friends" then goes gambling or whatever and I don't get even a call. Two or three days later he calls all apologizing, and says he's "just stupid, and he doesn't mean to hurt me" Doesn't he make a choice at the time? I don't get it!
He says he wants to make it better, doesn't want a divorce, loves me...but can I really believe that? It's all so confusing! He can be very verbally abusive as well when he is "mad" I love him very much, he can be the greatest, most giving romantic, fun, smart man I have known, but lately the bad out weighs the good.

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc