Hi there,
I'm struggling to keep my life together. I
joined here because perhaps it's good just
to write these things down in a space
where I know people with similar problems
are reading. I am at a loss as to how to
fix me.
I havn't been to see a doctor about it but
I was in therapy for 2 years and finished
a year ago when I thought things were okay
and that I could manage on my own. I don't
and I need help.
I keep repeating the same cycle over and
over and each time I come up with a new
revelation thinking 'that's it, that's why
I'm so... (Anxious, panicked, angry, sad,
forgetful, selfish, depressed etc)' and
I'll make resolutions to change:
Take St. Johns wort, do medtations,
breathing execises, eat more fruit,
exercise more, make notes / to do lists
etc.
Slowly they fade away after a short while
and the promises I've made to change get
broken and the cycle starts again. Each
time it hurts my relationship and now I
fear it's too late to repair
I get terrified when I realise this is
happening but realising it doesn't stop it
and it's destroying my marriage. I've been
negligent and broken so many promises and
behaved so incosistently that she says she
doesn't know me, doesn't understand me and
neither do I.
She tells me I can't be bothered to make
the effort to change. When I make an
effort it feels like I'm tackling the
wrong problem.
Truth is I don't understand what goes on
in my head half the time, the rest of the
time I'm living in the now - no learning
from past mistakes and doing the same
thing over and over with no idea of the
consequenses of my actions.
It only makes sense when I'm told why I do
them - I parrot the reason and can't think
for myself and think that by merely
thinking I'll change that I'll change.
I have so many emotions but don't know how
to express them except via passive
aggression or repressed anger/sadness.
I cry whenever I feel any even slight
good/bad emotion and I can't say why. It's
been getting worse as I've realised that
the job I'm in isn't the dream-job I
thought it would be and I'm not trained to
do anything different.
I feel so lost, the one person who might
listen is giving up on me and I never say
anything about what I'm thinking or
feeling to her. I'm scared to, and prefer
to pretend that all's okay. I live in a
poster-life of appearances and it's only
when she shouts at me do I snap out of it
and realise that things are going so
horribly wrong.
We're off on holiday for 3 weeks tonight
and had a row last night. I got so tense
packing and worrying about going away.
We've been having a rough time, the
holiday's been booked for months and is
expensive and so we're going to go
anyway.
I froze up totally - staring at our
malaria pills trying to count them, heart
pounding and sweating. I was there for 10
minutes, staring at the cabinet. It was
horrible, I didn't even know it was
happening until my wife got pissed with
me. I hate these feelings and want to
change but don't know how to and if I did
it probably wouldn't stick because I have
no method that works.
