Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 8 Location: London, England
Splitting w/ Fiance - Trying to Understand the Reasons ? Posted: 11-02-07 08:47am
I am just in the process of splitting up
with my fiancee. We've been together for
5 and half yrs. Been engaged for 6 mths,
had the wedding planned for next June.
We have a lovely house, a cat and a nice
life, we both have good jobs and aren't
short of a few quid.
About 2 yrs ago we had problems when
having sex, she'd tell me it just wasn't
satisifying for her. I've only slept
with 3 women and never had any complaints
before, my fiancee is much more
experienced than me.
Initially it didn't upset me as I thought
we could overcome it, however a few
months after it was first mentioned we had
a really nasty row - in which she told me
she "didn't like the way you touch me and
how I was useless in bed" - It destroyed
my self confidence. Ever since then I
almost dreaded sex with her. If we did
have it it would be over before it begun
due to me prematurely ejactulating. I
went to a Dr and all that happenned was
the situation got worse - the less we had
sex the more angry we got and the worse
(when we did it) my PE was getting.
On many other levels we got on very well,
a lot of people told us we were well
suited and we had a very active social
life.
It was mad that on so many levels we were
so very happy, but the one thing that we
wanted to do was something I couldn't
bring myself to do. Over the (last)
year things got worse, we began arguing
about other things too, she was always
going out, I just wanted to stay home and
relax.
To understand the problems you have to
understand the personalities involved.
She is a dominant, headstrong, fiery
lady - I am a laid back, particular,
critical fella. But we hit it off, we
travelled a lot and shared a love of
travelling and seeing places. We both
wanted the best for our home, but when we
spoke about decorating (for instance) it
would normally lead to an argument as
neither of us was prepared to see the
other side.
Then 2 weeks ago she announced she thought
it best we split. I was gutted, totally
amazed it was happening. I knew what
was wrong (sex) but could never bring
myself to make it right. I am now
contimplating moving out and buying a new
home.
I thought I'd come on here and see if
anyone has anything they can say that
might cheer me up, the thought of sex
with someone new destroys me and I find it
hard to think I'll ever be close to anyone
again.
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Mikolas
Supporter
Joined: 02 Aug 2007 Posts: 617 Location: Buffalo University, Hands off! My trained killer kitten has its aim set upon you!
Thanks: 19
Thanked:1
Posted: 11-02-07 10:09am
I'm not one to cheer you up because I've
never dated, but I can tell you that your
PE is quite likely from the stress and
anxiety that you feel as a consequence of
your arguments about it with her. You've
probably drilled it into your mind every
day or something about your PE issues so
its always just popping into your head
whenever you think about sex or about to
have sex with her. With that obstacle on
your mind, heightening your anxiety, you
could very likely be "jinxing" yourself to
being a minute man at every given
opportunity. Confidence and being level
headed is key, for most everything in
life, having a lack of them shows visibly.
If you think you are going to suck, and
drilled it into your head and think about
it when you are doing that action, you
will suck and it will show like daylight.
It is unfortunate that a relationship of
so long is coming to an end. But where one
chapter ends, another one begins unless
you refuse to flip that page, no? Sex must
be a necessity to her if she is leaving
you for that, how superficial. Leaving you
because of PE issues instead of trying to
comfort you or seeking help for you to get
back in the game. Just flip that page.
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Sadfella
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 8 Location: London, England
Posted: 11-02-07 10:38am
Thanks Mikolas, that is pretty much the
way I saw it with her too. I told her I
thought it was incredibly shallow not to
see if she could help me get things right,
but all she did was get annoyed and told
me she didn't want to make love due to the
fact it made her feel awful as it didn't
last long enough. I think you're right
mate, I need to flip the page.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Possible Ways to Feel Better Posted: 11-02-07 11:34am
Hi:
I’m so sorry that things have turned out
this way but, and I know this won’t
cheer you up much, but it’s probably a
good thing they did. Based on what
you’ve written what your similarities
aren’t enough to overcome your
differences.
How did you manage to stay together this
long if she told you awhile ago that you
weren’t satisfying her? It doesn’t
sound like she did anything to help you
nor does it sound like the both of you
talked about it. Communication is a vital
thing in a relationship; without it there
is no solid foundation on which to build a
relationship. I can’t imagine you
wanting to satisfy her after being so
thoroughly humiliated. Looks like you
really tried but, as Mickolas said there
was an incredible pressure for you to
satisfy her. Sex is not a race, it’s a
dance. She didn’t want to show you how
to dance so you did what you could.
Dreading sex must be a terrible
thing—like a punishment.
Now, how to cheer you up:
1. If the thought of being in that home
is just too much to bear then find another
house. I don’t know what the housing
market is where you are but here is the US
it isn’t very good. Otherwise, can you
redecorate? Choose your own colors,
rearrange the furniture, get new wall
hangings, whatever. Make what you have a
statement of who *you* are. If anything,
being busy will keep your mind occupied
and away from your unhappiness.
2. Cut her completely out of your life.
If you decide to stay where you are,
change your phone number, change the
locks, do whatever you need to. If you
have mutual friends you may decide to
avoid them for awhile. Somehow in
conversation that sore subject may come
up. Friends may think they’re doing you
a favor by letting you know what she’s
doing but it will only tear you up for
now. Change the subject, let them know
you’re not interested, walk away if you
need to.
3. Take up a new interest. What have you
wanted to do for the longest time?
Now’s the time. I know you’re not one
to go out but this is for a good reason,
because you want to do something that will
make you happy. You’ll meet new people
who will have at least one thing in common
with you. You’ll meet friends of
friends and your social circle will widen.
Once you get your confidence up maybe you
can have a little party at your place.
You won’t have to go out but you’ll
have people around you.
4. What kind of support network do you
have? Get in touch with them and cry on
their shoulders for awhile. Your friends
can be very understanding and extremely
helpful. I was engaged to a guy for over
four years and whenever things went bad
they were always my fault. It took awhile
for me to realize he didn’t have my best
interests at heart. I knew things were
going to end but I was still devastated
when they did. I cried, I didn’t sleep,
I didn’t eat, I kept to myself, I kept a
journal (extremely helpful—helped me
follow my progress). We had no mutual
friends so I never ran into him.
5. Become friends with yourself. It
appears that the sex thing really has you
in knots. Somehow you need to let go of
that problem and I believe that will
happen over time. Have you considered
going to counseling to deal with this?
Right now you need to focus on what’s
right with you not what’s wrong with
you. You have a great deal to offer other
people. You are a good person. You are
kind and caring. You are NOT a doormat.
6. Find at least one thing to be grateful
about every day: a beautiful sunrise or
sunset, a song on the radio, a snippet of
conversation that makes you smile, a nice
breeze, whatever. It doesn’t have to be
anything big. If you can see the joy in
sadness you’re on your way.
7. As far as another relationship is
concerned, put it out of your mind. It
sounds like you have some issues you need
to sort through. The time will come,
sometime, when you may surprise yourself
and you can develop first a friendship,
then something more with someone else.
When the time for taking the next step
happens, you’ll know. I had several
disastrous (and, fortunately short-lived)
relationships during my 20s and early 30s
and I took a good, long time before I took
the plunge again. I was content to be
alone because I wasn’t lonely (there is
a difference between being “alone” and
“lonely” although right now you
probably don’t see it). I was 38 when I
married and neither my husband nor I were
ever planning on marrying. We were both
happy by ourselves. Little did we
know…We waited for five years (I think
it was more on my part than on his but he
was willing to wait) before we married.
I don’t know if any of this will help
you but it may give you something to think
about. Time is the only thing that helps
you heal but you can help the process
along.
Good luck and do keep posting.
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Sadfella
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 8 Location: London, England
Entices1 Posted: 11-03-07 05:11am
Thank you for taking the time to write
such a long post, I really appreciate it.
To be honest I have offered to move back
out (as for me the memories of this house
would upset me) and I can move away to my
parents area - the other side of London -
so there is no chance I will bump into her
again and can start again in my childhood
area. The curious thing is that since
she suggested we part she has told me now
she isn't sure it is what she wants.
But that is too late - "That ship has
sailed" as they say - for me there is no
going back the things that have been said
can't be taken back. Sad as that is,
after 5 yrs together it is for the best I
think.
I think we stayed together as it did work
in many ways, just not that one.
I have (in the past 2 weeks) managed to
get a new job at a new company so I will
be able to really throw myself into that
in the next few months (and the extra
money will help me with the house). It
is funny how things work out in life.
Thanks again I will re-read your post a
few times and let it all sink in..
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PenguinsRus
Supporter
Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 1228 Location: New York, NY United States
Thanks: 32
Thanked:8
Posted: 11-05-07 14:43pm
Hey, I am so sorry that your heart has
been broken like this. A broken heart is
never hard to deal with, especially when
you are in such a long, committed
relationship.
When it comes to sex and lack of fixing
it, that is not your fault at all. If she
was pressuring you like you said she was,
then she ruined it. Pressure takes away
the desire for sex. Instead of her coming
down on you saying you weren't good in
bed, she should have nicely showed you
what she likes and given you suggestions.
It is not your fault at all.
Honestly, this sounds terrible, but I'm
glad you two split up. I'm not glad
because it hurt you, but I'm glad because
she just didn't sound good for you. She
hurt your ego.
Relationships need balance. They need a
give and a take. Instead of always
staying in or always going out, there
should be some of both.
When it comes to PE in the future, my
boyfriend used to have a problem with
that, and what helped us overcome that is
when he feels like he has to, he slows
down and focuses on kissing my body/doing
other things until the urge goes away a
bit and he goes back at it. Maybe that
would help you, and it'd make the woman
you are with feel good as well because you
are still being intimate with her even
though the actual sex part has been put on
hold for a minute or two until you calm
down.
I would try your best to just get back out
there, focus on friends and things that
make you happy, and give yourself time to
heal. Remember the good times you had and
cherish them, but don't let it control
your life and your future. Take the
experience and learn from it, and
everything will be okay. One day you will
feel like you can date again, and you will
find trust in someone again, and next time
it will be even better. You need to find
someone who respects and loves you for who
you are instead of shunning you for it.