Splitting w/ Fiance - Trying to Understand the Reasons ?

I'm not one to cheer you up because I've never dated, but I can tell you that your PE is quite likely from the stress and anxiety that you feel as a consequence of your arguments about it with her. You've probably drilled it into your mind every day or something about your PE issues so its always just popping into your head whenever you think about sex or about to have sex with her. With that obstacle on your mind, heightening your anxiety, you could very likely be "jinxing" yourself to being a minute man at every given opportunity. Confidence and being level headed is key, for most everything in life, having a lack of them shows visibly. If you think you are going to suck, and drilled it into your head and think about it when you are doing that action, you will suck and it will show like daylight.

It is unfortunate that a relationship of so long is coming to an end. But where one chapter ends, another one begins unless you refuse to flip that page, no? Sex must be a necessity to her if she is leaving you for that, how superficial. Leaving you because of PE issues instead of trying to comfort you or seeking help for you to get back in the game. Just flip that page.

Thanks Mikolas, that is pretty much the way I saw it with her too. I told her I thought it was incredibly shallow not to see if she could help me get things right, but all she did was get annoyed and told me she didn't want to make love due to the fact it made her feel awful as it didn't last long enough. I think you're right mate, I need to flip the page.

Hi:

I’m so sorry that things have turned out this way but, and I know this won’t cheer you up much, but it’s probably a good thing they did. Based on what you’ve written what your similarities aren’t enough to overcome your differences.

How did you manage to stay together this long if she told you awhile ago that you weren’t satisfying her? It doesn’t sound like she did anything to help you nor does it sound like the both of you talked about it. Communication is a vital thing in a relationship; without it there is no solid foundation on which to build a relationship. I can’t imagine you wanting to satisfy her after being so thoroughly humiliated. Looks like you really tried but, as Mickolas said there was an incredible pressure for you to satisfy her. Sex is not a race, it’s a dance. She didn’t want to show you how to dance so you did what you could. Dreading sex must be a terrible thing—like a punishment.

Now, how to cheer you up:

1. If the thought of being in that home is just too much to bear then find another house. I don’t know what the housing market is where you are but here is the US it isn’t very good. Otherwise, can you redecorate? Choose your own colors, rearrange the furniture, get new wall hangings, whatever. Make what you have a statement of who *you* are. If anything, being busy will keep your mind occupied and away from your unhappiness.

2. Cut her completely out of your life. If you decide to stay where you are, change your phone number, change the locks, do whatever you need to. If you have mutual friends you may decide to avoid them for awhile. Somehow in conversation that sore subject may come up. Friends may think they’re doing you a favor by letting you know what she’s doing but it will only tear you up for now. Change the subject, let them know you’re not interested, walk away if you need to.

3. Take up a new interest. What have you wanted to do for the longest time? Now’s the time. I know you’re not one to go out but this is for a good reason, because you want to do something that will make you happy. You’ll meet new people who will have at least one thing in common with you. You’ll meet friends of friends and your social circle will widen. Once you get your confidence up maybe you can have a little party at your place. You won’t have to go out but you’ll have people around you.

4. What kind of support network do you have? Get in touch with them and cry on their shoulders for awhile. Your friends can be very understanding and extremely helpful. I was engaged to a guy for over four years and whenever things went bad they were always my fault. It took awhile for me to realize he didn’t have my best interests at heart. I knew things were going to end but I was still devastated when they did. I cried, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I kept to myself, I kept a journal (extremely helpful—helped me follow my progress). We had no mutual friends so I never ran into him.

5. Become friends with yourself. It appears that the sex thing really has you in knots. Somehow you need to let go of that problem and I believe that will happen over time. Have you considered going to counseling to deal with this? Right now you need to focus on what’s right with you not what’s wrong with you. You have a great deal to offer other people. You are a good person. You are kind and caring. You are NOT a doormat.

6. Find at least one thing to be grateful about every day: a beautiful sunrise or sunset, a song on the radio, a snippet of conversation that makes you smile, a nice breeze, whatever. It doesn’t have to be anything big. If you can see the joy in sadness you’re on your way.

7. As far as another relationship is concerned, put it out of your mind. It sounds like you have some issues you need to sort through. The time will come, sometime, when you may surprise yourself and you can develop first a friendship, then something more with someone else. When the time for taking the next step happens, you’ll know. I had several disastrous (and, fortunately short-lived) relationships during my 20s and early 30s and I took a good, long time before I took the plunge again. I was content to be alone because I wasn’t lonely (there is a difference between being “alone” and “lonely” although right now you probably don’t see it). I was 38 when I married and neither my husband nor I were ever planning on marrying. We were both happy by ourselves. Little did we know…We waited for five years (I think it was more on my part than on his but he was willing to wait) before we married.

I don’t know if any of this will help you but it may give you something to think about. Time is the only thing that helps you heal but you can help the process along.

Good luck and do keep posting.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a long post, I really appreciate it. To be honest I have offered to move back out (as for me the memories of this house would upset me) and I can move away to my parents area - the other side of London - so there is no chance I will bump into her again and can start again in my childhood area. The curious thing is that since she suggested we part she has told me now she isn't sure it is what she wants. But that is too late - "That ship has sailed" as they say - for me there is no going back the things that have been said can't be taken back. Sad as that is, after 5 yrs together it is for the best I think.

I think we stayed together as it did work in many ways, just not that one.

I have (in the past 2 weeks) managed to get a new job at a new company so I will be able to really throw myself into that in the next few months (and the extra money will help me with the house). It is funny how things work out in life.

Thanks again I will re-read your post a few times and let it all sink in..

Hey, I am so sorry that your heart has been broken like this. A broken heart is never hard to deal with, especially when you are in such a long, committed relationship.

When it comes to sex and lack of fixing it, that is not your fault at all. If she was pressuring you like you said she was, then she ruined it. Pressure takes away the desire for sex. Instead of her coming down on you saying you weren't good in bed, she should have nicely showed you what she likes and given you suggestions. It is not your fault at all.

Honestly, this sounds terrible, but I'm glad you two split up. I'm not glad because it hurt you, but I'm glad because she just didn't sound good for you. She hurt your ego.

Relationships need balance. They need a give and a take. Instead of always staying in or always going out, there should be some of both.

When it comes to PE in the future, my boyfriend used to have a problem with that, and what helped us overcome that is when he feels like he has to, he slows down and focuses on kissing my body/doing other things until the urge goes away a bit and he goes back at it. Maybe that would help you, and it'd make the woman you are with feel good as well because you are still being intimate with her even though the actual sex part has been put on hold for a minute or two until you calm down.

I would try your best to just get back out there, focus on friends and things that make you happy, and give yourself time to heal. Remember the good times you had and cherish them, but don't let it control your life and your future. Take the experience and learn from it, and everything will be okay. One day you will feel like you can date again, and you will find trust in someone again, and next time it will be even better. You need to find someone who respects and loves you for who you are instead of shunning you for it.

Good luck!