i dont know what to do anymore, i feel like im going mad, one moment im really happy and i can feel it going through me i can feel the euphoria and then the next i feel like driving full speed into a brick wall.
i left 6th form in may this year and since then i feel like im so alone. all my friends have gone off to university, they all have great boyfreinds or girlfriends, they all did really really well at school. whereas i feel like i have nothing.
i feel like i have nothing, my best friend recently got a new boyfriend so she spends all her time with him, and barely speaks to me anymore, for my birthday a few weeks ago she took me for dinner, to where she works (which also happens to be where her boyfriend works too) and i thought it would be really nice for me and her to have some time together, but she spent it worrying about how she looked because he was there. so that was my birthday.
and then my boyfriend finished with me, and weve been rowing since, but he turns to me with all his problems, he told me last night he wanted to kill himself, and when i talked to him about it he said im the only person who cares about him. the problem here is that i care about him alot, so its hard hearing how im 'one of his best friends' and not good enough to be his girlfriend.
it confirms one of my worst fears, that im good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to love.
i cant trust the people who i call my closest friends because none of them can see that im desparate to be asked how i am. its not good enough me telling them i need to know they care, i want someone to ask me how i am, and even though i say i dont want to talk about it, persist, i want to know if theyre willing to go 'against what i want' to find out whats wrong (if that makes sense) its not good enough just saying it i want them to show how much they care which clearly they dont.
i feel so alone, im scared that one day im going to break and do something that i cant take back. i just want to be happy with who i am, i want someone to show they care i feel like i have no one. i feel like theres nothing going to be anything to ever look forward to, i wish i could be more positive but i cant see the point in my life, my future, in myself.
i dont know what to do, my head is buzzing all the time, i can never switch off i feel like im going mad, everything is so overwhelming.
im always there to help other people like when friends spilt up with their partners or theyv had a bad day im always there because its what friends do, but no one has the time for me. im always the one everyone comes to with problems but when i have one, no one cares.
i dont want to end up killing myself but im finding everything too much. i want someone to promise that its going to be ok one day, but i dont think there is a single person in my life who can do that.
it also scares me how erratic my mood is. i can be on top of the world, i can feel the happiness flowing through me, but sometimes as soon as 4 or 5 hours have passed i will be crying for no reason. this happens alot particularly at night, ill go to my room so i can cry.
i also end up being really really horrible to my mum, shes only trying to help and she really is. but i end up shouting and screaming at her, and being really difficult. anyone looking at my behaviour would think im deliberatly trying to make her life difficult and that im an awful person. truth is i dont know why i do that to her, im scared shes going to end up hating me.
i dont know what to do to stop me from feeling like this.

please
i feel like im going mad.